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Small Problem.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forlornspirit, Sep 5, 2007.

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  1. Forlornspirit

    Forlornspirit Well-Known Member

    Hello, my name is David and I'm 16. For the past 2 years I have wanted to kill myself.

    At first, it was because I moved from my childhood place, and it seemed like the world was against me. After a while I made some friends, then we moved again, I made some new friends then. Slowly but surely I got involved in things such as: Band, Track, Tennis, and a few more.

    At the start of my freshman year I met a girl, and life seemed like it was perfect and could never end. A couple weeks later I had found out that during the homecoming dance she had had sex with one of my friends in the bathroom AS I was waiting there. (She had said she was feeling bad and wanted to kill herself, saying her "Depression" was acting up).

    From there it only got worse.. She had roped me in, and to this day I still don't know how she did it. She kept pulling me back, making me more dedicated to her, even though we'd broken up.... In a six month period, I attempted suide over 180 times, every time just as content as the first. I had tried every way I could think of.

    Finally my parents had found out (For a week straight I destroyed my left arm, mashing it with machete's, steak knives, what-ever was sharp and pointy). They decided to send me to a Mental Hospital, where I stayed for a week.

    I met a girl here and had such emotions. The girl had been there, because her entire (male) family had been raping her (including step-father, brother, cousins.). She had tried to commit suicide, it failed.

    We became close friends and started to date. (We lived about 80-100 miles from each other os it was difficult). On her birthday I came to see her one last time, we had sex, she was my first. When I got home, oh so happy, I had found out... That I'd lost her number. My parents wouldn't take me to see her for close to a month. When we finally went to see her, she had moved without a trace...

    Then it was summer, and though frantic that I had lost her, I started to mellow. The january of my sophmore year (the same time I went to the hospital) her mother called me (to this day I don't know how she got my number)... And told me she had killed herself. With a rope I'd tought her how to make, with a song that I'd gotten her into, with alcohol that was my favourite, and a note that only said "I'm sorry for this David"...

    From then on, a count of close to 5 months, every morning I listened to that song, and drank 5 shots of the same liqour.

    That chistmas break, though, (my sophmore year) I'd met another girl, that had many things in common with me. She was also a long-distance person, but this time upwards of 1k miles. We had talked for about 2 weeks and I learned so much about her. She had gone to a mental hospital due to her brother dieing and he wanted to kill herself (she blamed it on herself..).
    She had a boyfriend, who had also become my friend, and I helped her through so many times. More than I can count...

    I don't know what happend, but we lost touch. And it was, at the time, nothing THAT serious, but I did miss her.

    Into the very end of my sophmore year, I had started talking to this girl again. And it was just as amazing as I could imagine. We spent so many hours a day together on a game called "World of Warcraft" and a voice/talking program named "Ventrilo" -- Such as talking on the phone for that many hours of a day.

    She had a new boyfriend that, in my opinion, was a total pig who only had his mind set on sex. For months I helped her with him, until a point that we started becoming more and more serious. So much that she was planning on dumping her boyfriend, and coming to me. We had become more serious in the talk.

    Somewhere along the line, it started to fall apart. I was so happy, and it really started to crumble before my eyes no matter how much I wanted to NOT admit it. I hoped the day would never come.

    Lone and behold, about 2 weeks ago she yelled at me for calling her when I was in a tornado, and yes, fearful of my life. She had gotten in trouble for having her cell on.

    Everything just decayed, and then 2 days ago, we had an arguement, she had been talking about me being a freak, obsessed f**k (excuse my language), and a psyco... I had questioned her on this, and she brought to my attention minor things I had done such as: spending a little money on her (About $15).

    It had fallen apart right there. Everything was gone.

    So I took my tequila, and <mod edit: bunny - methods> I woke up in my bed the following morning, and went to school.

    I truly do want to die, but I've tried so many times, with no luck. I'm not thinking that's a sign, but I just want something to go right in my life.

    Any help OR comments would be MUCH apperciated. If there is anything I can do for anyone else here that reads this, please just let me know. I wish all of you a good day, take care. Bye.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2007
  2. ohnotagain

    ohnotagain Member

    Gday David! Yep, Im an Aussie...
    I know right now the world appear to be against you. It is not easy being a teenager who's heart has been broken. Us girls are unusual creatures David. We want affection but not too much. We want to be seen as the centre of your universe and yet cant take the heat. I am older now and have been through it all. I once had a boyfriend when I was 16 and we lived a distance apart. I liked the thought of him being 'into' me and we did have a brief relationship. But he got too full on. He called constantly, and it all got too heavy for me. It scared me. I just wanted him to chill out a bit, but he forced himself onto me.I broke it off with him and he begged me to stay with him threatening suicide etc. At that age I thought I could still be friends with him but that only gave him mixed messages and he became obsessed with me.

    I dont claim that I know your situation, but as you get older....and you will get older, you will realize all of your suffering has been a learning curve. You don't want to die David, you just need to find yourself and when you do, there will be nothing but roses ahead. Trust me, I have done the attempted suicide thing all of my life. I guess after so may failed attempts there must have been a bigger plan for me. Now I spend a lot of time with kids just like you, although I am not a counsellor.

    I came across this forum and it kind of shocked me to see so many in similar situations as I was. It is sad and breaks my heart.
    Hang in there mate. From me across the other side of the world
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