Smile smile smile smile smile Oh, one more just in case. Hide the scars and hold back tears, walk with your chin up, and pay attention in class. Do the homework, don't fail, succeed, look at the bright side, dance a little, ask your question, speak up, we can't hear you, Heather, speak louder, LOUDER, come on Heather, TELL SOMEONE I can't do this. No. Then subtle hints. Fine. Only for him. There are so many things wrong with myself and how I am shaping my life and how I am living my life. I am far too dependent. I am awful in various ways. Fuck - why am I even trying to explain myself? I know my reasons. I want to act, tonight. I have a slew of methods right at my disposal. But do I wait? Not closer to Christmas, I'd just be 50 times more terrible. And I'm not living to see 2013. I don't want to be here. I don't want to make others suffer by being here. I am always fucking wrong. Probably wrong now too. I don't fucking even KNOW. GAHHHH I WANT TO SCREAM. I can't be upset because then I'll fall into a depression and do NOTHING at least with anger I'm active, positively and negatively and neutrally...in all directions. Just so much energy, I shake. Tell him Just wait! Another 2 minutes. He might still be up then. Then 3 minutes FUCK Just get this OVER with.