Snafu

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarbiped, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. bipolarbiped

    bipolarbiped Active Member

    There are so many things that are racing through my mind that it is difficult to put down here, so I will apologize ahead of time. I am not even sure if this will belong in this forum.
    I feel like I have done something so horrible that I deserve all of the pain and suffering, I don't deserve to be happy. And now that there has been an official diagnoses, and as I become more educated on the subjects the more obvious it becomes that what I have become is detrimental to others mental well-being. I even scare the professionals to such an extent that they [a long term psychiatric unit] would not accept me to their facility; instead I was made to stay in a hospital [that is meant for short term, 3-5 days] for better than a month. On subsequent stays at the hospital (voluntary and involuntary) I am stripped of all clothing/belongings, put in gowns, placed in a room where lights are on 24 hrs and a fulltime 'babysitter'. Unable to socialize or leave the room. After a typical period of 2-3 days I am able to go into the hallway and dayroom but only if there are no other patients present. I seem to be a 'special' kind of sick to deserve this punishment under the pretenses of health care. The staff denies that it is punishment, but I know better.
    I hate what I have become and who I am, I consistently hurt the people around me because I cannot keep my emotions in check and it seems that the harder I try to stay in control the more out of control I get until I explode. The explosion can go either way of course, either internally or externally....I prefer the internal variety, however.
    I hate who I am and what I have become, I see that I am incapable of change and I have but one option left. Through the course of several failed attempts, swallowing razor blades, overdoses, wrist slashing, I now know that those methods are anything but effective. One attempt, however, was just short of effective (due to an unplanned rescue) It was peaceful and reasonably quick.... with a little better planning I should have success. I fantasize about it and think about how to go about following through; including the location and time....how to go about notifying somebody of where to find the corpse without allowing anytime for any type of rescue attempt. I have it all figured out now.... so the day to day life has become secondary. The other attempts were somewhat impulsive but this time it has been my focus for sometime now... thinking through things in a methodical manner; trying to account to all contingencies.
    The internal conflicts I go through are amazing in a way. On one hand, almost every fibre of my being wants to die, that there is no other way to get out of this, but on the other hand I just want the pain to stop; a pain that goes back to childhood, just to forget everything that has happened up to this point and start over anew. But that is not possible. Circuit complete.
     
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