snapping out of it?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by molotov, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    Hi all..

    I am looking for any advice or suggestions you might have as far as.. I dunno, sort of a mental circuit-breaker technique. I can't describe how I feel any better than sometimes things are totally fine and then it is like demons attack my head, either because something triggered it (large problem, small problem, someone else's problem, imaginary problem) or, shit, I don't know, just because all of a sudden Things Are Bad.

    And when Things Get Bad it feels like my head spirals out of control, like the tiny problem quickly builds into something bigger and bigger and all the other problems I have ever had come flooding back and then I can find a reason to feel personally responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened to anyone, and it is like my whole brain shuts down and I absolutely cannot express THE HORROR OF IT ALL let alone move past it. In the past two weeks I have considered calling a crisis hotline three times but I stopped because other than "PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY" I didn't even know what I would say.

    Illustrative example: yesterday in the store my boyfriend and I went to buy some food, and we returned a whole bunch of my old water and soda bottles and got a little receipt for 4 euro 40. Three minutes later I realized the receipt had disappeared out of my hand. Frantic search turned up nothing.

    Internal reaction went like this:

    Swimmy vision, difficulty speaking or breathing or moving, paralyzing difficulty continuing with shopping, (completely and totally unfounded) abject terror that boyfriend will be enraged followed by pathetic self-abasing relief that he is so good and kind and can stand to be with someone as pathetic and wretched as I am, slow-motion sinking into own head to watch mental replay of 17,000 other times I had misplaced or lost or dropped something or spoken out of turn or offended someone or generally screwed up, vicious spiraling shame and mortification and self-hatred, intense desire to cry, scream, tear brain out, crawl in a hole, die, be forgotten by everyone who has had to witness my colossal stupidity.

    External reaction went like this:

    "I'm annoyed with myself that I lost that stupid little piece of paper."
    "Well, there's nothing we can do about it, and it's just four euros. Being annoyed won't bring it back. Maybe you'll find it in your pocket when we get home."
    "Yeah. Ok, let's go."
    "Wait, weren't we going to buy dumplings and cabbage first?"
    "Oh right. Oops."

    This is not an exaggeration, though sometimes it is worse than others, and sometimes I am less able to control my reactions than others, which then adds a whole extra layer of shame because then in addition to "stupid" and "useless" the Head Demons can add "attention-seeking" and "manipulative" and "weak" and "insane" and "crybaby."

    I know how dumb and/or hilarious this sounds and I realize on some level that it is all self-created but I really really do not know how to stop it once it starts and it fucking sucks, frankly. I feel like everything about my life is actually more or less okay (usual little problems of course - school, work, money, etc but nothing I theoretically can't handle).. but I am afraid that one of these days I am going to actually do something regrettable, because the longer I live like this the more ammunition I have to use against myself in these internal battles and the longer it takes me to recover from the attack. And then I am going to end up being remembered as That Chick Who Killed Herself Because She Couldn't Find Her Keys or something equally pathetic.

    I guess my question is: do you guys have any little mental or physical "tricks" you use to sort of "snap out of it" before it goes too far?

    I hope this made sense and I'm sorry to ramble.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You make sense to me. My daughters description of what she goes through is very much like yours. She has a diagnosis of Bi Polar. I'm diagnosed with major depression recurrent.

    When this stuff hits me, (I call it slamming into the brick wall or the rug was pulled out from under me), I tell myself "I am a child of God." Then I let everything go. If I'm out in public, I do the bare minimum I need to do and then get somewhere or home to rest and pray.

    Over time, I've learned that most things in life are not worth stressing over. As they say, "don't sweat the small stuff."

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