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So...a story and seeking advice.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CyanideTripp, Jan 28, 2011.

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  1. CyanideTripp

    CyanideTripp Member

    So it's 2:30 in the morning...I wish I could just sleep. I tried...I took Benedryl and laid down for about two hours staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes I think everything would be ok if I could just get a full night's sleep. I wake up about every hour and a half ... it's frustrating.

    Course that's not why I post, I apologize in advance ...I jump from topic to topic. Sometimes it's hard for me to think in a straight line.

    April 15th 2009 I tried to drive my car off a bridge (My fiance left me for someone else...It was crushing.) , I was admitted to the psych ward, medicated, whatever. The doctor kept bouncing me back and fourth between Borderline Personality disorder and Schizophrenia (Which I was diagnosed with at 16.) Anyway I was hospitalized three times between then and September, lost my job...moved in with two strangers (Though I'm lucky...they are my closest friends now and very good people...they basically took me in and took care of me financially until my unemployment came in.) Moved in with another friend cause we lost our place...that friend kicked me out and I moved back in with my two friend's then about a year ago I met this wonderful boy. He took me out of the basement I was living in...got me setup in a townhouse...took over all my finances (I'm horrible with money, I can't hold onto it, and I have a few vices that do not help the situation...) So...that brings you up to the present...

    Bills are getting paid....the 3,000 dollars car repair (Which still has a loan on it -_-) is coming up...I've still got my boy and my friends and everything I could really want... There are still nights where I just...don't want to be here. I don't feel like a deserve to be here...I know he (Lets call him X) deserves better... I know I lost the job and the insurance and with it the 9 or so pills I was on daily to keep me from bouncing off the walls... but how can you be sad when there's no reason to? Everything is better... I still SI, I still Drink and smoke and ....everything you're supposed to let go of when you 'get better.'

    I feel really hopeless and I'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting X... he doesn't deserve it. He's already been hurt a bunch of times, and I had a boyfriend kill himself- so I know what it feels like. I would never want to do that to him.

    But sometimes... the constant pain (I also have physical illnesses) and fighting to not be sad... doesn't seem to be worth anything. I'm completely at a loss and have no idea what to do.

    When I was really sick I just wished things would get better, and they did. And I'm still broken. :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi the thing about depression is you don't need a reason for it to come back Stress can cause you levels to drop seritonin and dopamine levels and this can cause feelings of sadness. I am glad you have good people looking out for you but i think you need to be on meds okay for depression. I know if i stop them i get really really low. I think if you could get on a med for depression your thoughts about leaving would not always be there. Hugs to you okay please keep safe and get help so you can feel better
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    TE is right, there is no reason why depression can come on. It's horrible having to live with it. If it is BPD though that can be helped by therapy such as DBT so it may be worth giving that a go. It seems a bit mad how they can't decide between that and Schitzophrenia. They are so different from each other. Go back to your doc before things get worse. Go back and get in there and fight it before you don't want to anymore.
  4. CyanideTripp

    CyanideTripp Member

    First, thank you for reading and commenting on my situation.

    Unfortunately I lost my job a year and a half ago because I was in the hospital so much. (17 times in like...six months) so I don't have insurance or any meds anymore. I'm kind of on my own right now.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know where you live but there has to be some social program that can help you. There are doctors that give out samples to their pts that cannot afford meds there is universities that have graduating students that will take on pt for experiance. Maybe even talk to a church person that has counseling skills There has to be someway within your community that you can get some support call the hospitals nearest you and ask what free programs there are okay ask you doctor about getting med coverage somehow as well. Can you not go on disability plan Here my daughter is odsp because she too was in hospital and could not work h ugs to you
  6. CyanideTripp

    CyanideTripp Member

    Thank you for the suggestions...
    In my state I make too much (through unemployment) to warrent any type of help. I put down like...8 differently mental illnesses I've been diagnosed with and they said it wasn't enough. I can try the university thing...but the thought of going to a student doctor makes me a little nervous. I'm also not religious so I can't go to a church. In about a month or two I'm gonna go back onto the job market and see if I can find something with benefits. Until tthen I guess I'm just stuck. Today is better than last night though...Still a little bit of dangerous feeling lurking but not nearly as bad as last night.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It took my duaghter doctor and social worker to fill out the form and in doing so she got help financially. Maybe get you doctor to fill out the form and send them in okay When a professional fills out the disability forms they know what to right to get the support needed. Sometimes the student pdoc are more intune because they are not burn't out and are eager to use their new found knowledge and skills. I am glad you feel a little better today i hope you continue to talk here to let go of some of the sadness fears here okay. It is safe here and noone judges anyone hugs to you
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