So it's 2:30 in the morning...I wish I could just sleep. I tried...I took Benedryl and laid down for about two hours staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes I think everything would be ok if I could just get a full night's sleep. I wake up about every hour and a half ... it's frustrating. Course that's not why I post, I apologize in advance ...I jump from topic to topic. Sometimes it's hard for me to think in a straight line. April 15th 2009 I tried to drive my car off a bridge (My fiance left me for someone else...It was crushing.) , I was admitted to the psych ward, medicated, whatever. The doctor kept bouncing me back and fourth between Borderline Personality disorder and Schizophrenia (Which I was diagnosed with at 16.) Anyway I was hospitalized three times between then and September, lost my job...moved in with two strangers (Though I'm lucky...they are my closest friends now and very good people...they basically took me in and took care of me financially until my unemployment came in.) Moved in with another friend cause we lost our place...that friend kicked me out and I moved back in with my two friend's then about a year ago I met this wonderful boy. He took me out of the basement I was living in...got me setup in a townhouse...took over all my finances (I'm horrible with money, I can't hold onto it, and I have a few vices that do not help the situation...) So...that brings you up to the present... Bills are getting paid....the 3,000 dollars car repair (Which still has a loan on it -_-) is coming up...I've still got my boy and my friends and everything I could really want... There are still nights where I just...don't want to be here. I don't feel like a deserve to be here...I know he (Lets call him X) deserves better... I know I lost the job and the insurance and with it the 9 or so pills I was on daily to keep me from bouncing off the walls... but how can you be sad when there's no reason to? Everything is better... I still SI, I still Drink and smoke and ....everything you're supposed to let go of when you 'get better.' I feel really hopeless and I'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting X... he doesn't deserve it. He's already been hurt a bunch of times, and I had a boyfriend kill himself- so I know what it feels like. I would never want to do that to him. But sometimes... the constant pain (I also have physical illnesses) and fighting to not be sad... doesn't seem to be worth anything. I'm completely at a loss and have no idea what to do. When I was really sick I just wished things would get better, and they did. And I'm still broken.