This is my first post on this forum. I have struggled with depression since I was about 17 or 18 it is just recently become more and more difficult for me to handle. I'm now working extremely stressful job that takes up most of my time I feel like I have no one at home to talk to. My husband works 2nd shift and we never even see each other even when I am around family and friends I feel extremely alone. I feel like my coworkers are constantly laughing at me and making fun of me even though I know I'm just being paranoid. I know that I need to get help and do not feel like reaching out to anyone because I feel that again they will just make fun of me or feel that I'm being childish. I am also the youngest person in my office. This makes things difficult when I'm trying to be taken seriously at work this is increasing my anxiety and depression and making things awfully hard on me here lately I have been popping my pills that are prescribed to me for my anxiety which I'm only supposed to take ONLY when needed. But I am abusing them regularly along with another one of my prescription pills. The slight buzz that I get from them at least helps me get through the day. I feel that as though if I didn't have that I would walk out of my office go<mod edit - methods>. I think today is my turning point because I actually sat down and wrote down a pros-and-cons list of whether I should kill myself. And the pros definitely out weighed the cons. Every single day I contemplate different ways of how I should take my own life and every single day I'm serious about it but then again every single day I don't do it. I'm at the point now where I really just want some real help or someone to talk to. Someone to listen. I feel empty, unloved and like I don't exist. I believe this feeling initially comes from the abandonment feelings that I have from my father. Who has always been in my life but has never really been there for me. My father is an alcoholic and has also been addicted to crack most of my life. I feel like if my own father can't love me and loves drugs and alcohol more, than how could anyone else in the world ever love me or appreciate me. And yes I'm married to a great man but most of the time I think that his love for me is not even real and yes he is perfect in every way but for some reason maybe I'm broken and I just can't really feel love.