So alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Phil smith, Nov 29, 2014.

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  1. Phil smith

    Phil smith Member

    I'm not sure if I want to die, but I know I can't live this way anymore. I've had problems my whole life. I sabotage every good thing that's ever happened to me. I'm A 30 year old male who is married ! 5 yrs diagnosed bi-polar manic depressive while in jail. That was 4 years ago. Long before that I started self medicating with opiates. After 7 years I started going to a methadone clinic. My wife was also an addict. I pushed for her to start taking pills because I didn't like how she was when she drank. Now that we have been clean for 2 years she's been going out to the bar a lot over the last 2 weeks and its completely out of character. I don't think I would mind so much but she never seems to want me to go. She says she dose but never invites me. I've been a major burden for her because of my depression And I understand she needs time away by her self but it's killing me. I feel I'm losing her. I trust her compleatly. I'm Just afraid its to late and she's already gone. I don't want to live without her. I've felt alone my whole life untill we met. Once again I feel alone. I may be able to for a while, but the first time I see or hear about her being happy with someone else and knowing I just couldn't do it will kill me. I'm sick of crying. I don't feel like a man. I feel like a pathetic little puppy that thinks he's going for a ride but he's really getting dropped off at the pound. I'm trying to get help but the earliest appointment I could get with a psychologist is a month away. I don't know how I turned into the horrible person I've become but I hate myself. I can't rember what confidence is its been so long that I've had any. I've never completed anything and the one thing that it would kill me to fail at is my marriage. I used to be an attractive guy but my teeth are bad from drugs, I'm a lot older now, and I have no friends. Between isolating myself for her and pushing everyone away while I was still using, I have no friends or family that will give me the time of day. She is all I have. I wish someone would kill me so I don't have to do it myself and be remembered as a coward.
     
  2. i know how you feel i too am a married man but my wife left me for another man my greatest fear has come true i wish to die because she was everything that i had i too wish to be killed by another so i wont have to be labeled as a coward. i wanted to go to a place that is dangerous and pray for death to take me its good to know that i am not the only one the suffers from the same thing.
     
  3. Phil smith

    Phil smith Member

    I joined the army 11 years ago. Everyone assumed that I was looking for a career but I did it to die. I decided to join at work one day around 9am. By 7pm the next day it was set up and 2 weeks later I was on a plane. My wife and I got closer in the time I was away. I looked for any reason to get kicked out and after a year I fina did it. Now I wish I w have completed my plan. I joined the infantry and volunteered for any and every dangerous thing I could and then dropped it. Now I'm just going to end up another statistic that "took the easy way out".
     
  4. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    Everybody screws up. Life screws everyone over. Women are impossible. You both deserve a second chance.
     
  5. Phil smith

    Phil smith Member

    I want to build my own life. I want so badly to have friends, a job, hobbies and confidence. I have no life. My life is all about being with her and watching tv. Pretending to be someone that everyone is happy to see when they walk into a room. Imagining what it would be like to have good days and have bad days be rare. I Read everything I can just so I can find a way to feel better. I'm very eager to get better. I've got 3 days till I go get evaluated and hopefully get put back on Meds. I hope they work. I'm Tired of talking to myself.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just want to say best of luck with the evaluation, be as honest as possible with them and you are not talking to yourself, we are here for you.
     
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