So angry at myself...

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by wonderer, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    My mom was never quite alright going up, but after my dad died 5 years ago, she got worse, and I moved out because of it. Nothing's happened in five years, so, when I had to leave my apt for a few weeks so it could be treated, I didn't think staying at my mom's would be a problem. I thought she'd gotten better.

    One morning this past week, I got cornered in the laundry room, smacked once, grabbed and immobilized, and dragged into my bedroom. I was screaming my fucking head off that if she didn't let go of, if she hurt me, I was going to call the police. I'm not sure how I got out of her hands, but when I did I grabbed everything I could quickly and left for a hotel.

    The thing is... I'm so mad at MYSELF for this. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to stop her, and that I was stupid enough to believe she could get better. I'm furious with myself that my cell wasn't in my pocket - it was on my bedside stand in my bedroom the whole time. I hate that I said some of the things I did. If I just had the strength to NOT fight the verbal abuse none of this would have happened. I hate that I can't calm down with other people around right now, even if they aren't her. I feel tainted, like I can't say anything to anyone or it will reflect badly on me... cuz statistically speaking I'll probably take after her. But mostly I hate that I wasn't strong enough to stop her -.-

    Sorry for the rant, I'm pretty messed up right now :-/
     
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    wish i knew what to say to that. i don't have any easy answers for you... i wish i did. i suppose some people are so set in your ways that no matter how much time you give them, they still don't change.

    she really sounds like she needs help. i'm assuming that it's not much help trying to convince her, though -- from experience parents dont like taking advice from their kids.

    TDM
     
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew how to make this better for you. All I can say is that I totally understand why you're feeling the way you are, but please don't hate yourself. This is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

    You aren't stupid for believing she was better. People do change, and nothing had happened for so long it's no wonder you thought she had changed. Anyone would think the same.

    I'm not surprised this has affected you so much, as it is so difficult to deal with the emotions involved when abuse comes from a parent as our view of them is so skewed. I'm sorry that I don't know how to make that better (I am affected in the same way), but I will say that you do not have to take after her. Sure, you share some genes, but that doesn't mean you have to become that person. You are stronger than that.

    I'm sorry I can't help more, but I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

    Mim
     
  4. skyred

    skyred Active Member

    hey angry: O l know anger and rage and hate for myself. For a long time now. used to fight it with everyting i could and nothing workedfor me..not relaxation or therapy or hypnosis not even these drugs my doctors have me on now. I even ..while i was looking for a site to help me kill myself..found a "christian" site. WOW !!! seemed this was maybe what i needed and i really thought so at first..I tried all the ways i knew how to be what they all needed me to be even though i thought i had found god and His love a long time ago..but iam not what God wants or anyone else i thought for that matter. so i gave up and stopped praying and believing in Him. I did some real soul searching ..even the bad stuff..but the truth for me anyway is ..i have broken every law in Gods book.which is ok dont matter...but ..all the abuse and hate directed at me ..i finally realized its what i deserve now. The only one i can blame is me and its ok i hurt myself with stabing myself and all but it helps me get past the halucinations.and anxiety and dpression and and pain.and anger and hate for myself now..But for you...:) there is hope and ithink it will help you .. there is a web site that you must check out.. i found it and really think it will help you and bring you some peace and hope . you understand and all. It is .."the powerto change.com Go there please and just listen for a while and then talk maybe and tell them what you feel. I know they along with God can ..help you ..ok..anyway take care and ttfn. Good luck dpont give up He is there for you now k? they know me there as blue- jay but you might not want to mention my nick lol...just fo check it out and any of you that are reading this too...just go and talk and ..see if it is right for you. ttfn



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