i hate how everyone just assumes that everything is ok or that something is or is not their/my fault. im so sick of people guessing without even taking a moment to think maybe what was said had nothing to do with them. im in a place tonight where just about anything could set me off, its been building all night. altho now this is more hurt than anger it still drives me over teh edge harming and wishing more and more that i were dead. so badly i just wanna scream at the world, "look at me, what do u see" and finally get some understanding that i DONT have a fricking choice on most of the things in my life. sure i have a home, and grandparents and am in school but that doesn't automatically mean i am happy, im quite the opposite. I stood looking out over the road tonight, kicking small pieces of snow down the hill and realized even the ice caked snow can get away from its abuser, from its pain and yet i still cannot. i suffer totally alone, no one cares. i can talk til im bue in the face and it still does NOTHING. Id be better off talking to a WALL than the people around me. I cant even begin to explain how badly that hurts. how much it hurts that people i trust i no longer do (that includes my own family). i just started classes again, if i cant pull myself together i may have to drop out. i keep fighting myself, my mind, thoughts and feelings but no matter how much i fight NOTHING EVER CHANGES. and please not say "give it time" ive had nothing but time and look where its gotten me?!? a place worse than HELL. so dont tell me how to feel cuz u have no idea how often i think of suicide and go thru my plans and attempt it. u know why u dont know...cuz i dont broadcast how SUICIDAL i am EVERYDAY of my miserable life. Im just here for everyone else, broken child still standing, holding onto others who have been broken, trying to better them for the future because u know what THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME!!!