So angry i could kill

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    i hate how everyone just assumes that everything is ok or that something is or is not their/my fault. im so sick of people guessing without even taking a moment to think maybe what was said had nothing to do with them. im in a place tonight where just about anything could set me off, its been building all night. altho now this is more hurt than anger it still drives me over teh edge harming and wishing more and more that i were dead. so badly i just wanna scream at the world, "look at me, what do u see" and finally get some understanding that i DONT have a fricking choice on most of the things in my life. sure i have a home, and grandparents and am in school but that doesn't automatically mean i am happy, im quite the opposite. I stood looking out over the road tonight, kicking small pieces of snow down the hill and realized even the ice caked snow can get away from its abuser, from its pain and yet i still cannot. i suffer totally alone, no one cares. i can talk til im bue in the face and it still does NOTHING. Id be better off talking to a WALL than the people around me. I cant even begin to explain how badly that hurts. how much it hurts that people i trust i no longer do (that includes my own family). i just started classes again, if i cant pull myself together i may have to drop out. i keep fighting myself, my mind, thoughts and feelings but no matter how much i fight NOTHING EVER CHANGES. and please not say "give it time" ive had nothing but time and look where its gotten me?!? a place worse than HELL. so dont tell me how to feel cuz u have no idea how often i think of suicide and go thru my plans and attempt it. u know why u dont know...cuz i dont broadcast how SUICIDAL i am EVERYDAY of my miserable life. Im just here for everyone else, broken child still standing, holding onto others who have been broken, trying to better them for the future because u know what THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME!!!
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you don't feel heard Hand...
    would working with your horses be good therapy for some of that anger?
    I don't know if you have a therapist to help you...may be a good idea if you can get one..
    and keep letting it out here..
    I'm listening and I understand what it's like to feel suicidal.

    sending you *hugs*
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry your feeling so down, your right they probably dont understand, how can someone if theyve never been in your shoes before.

    I can tell you I have, and still have those days and Im 33. I wont say give it some time because really nothing changes unless we change it ourselves. We have to take care of our minds and bodies. We have to control our anger even though it gets so hard sometimes.

    I wish you would rethink dropping out of school, it would keep you busy and maybe you could meet some new friends there, maybe some that you will be able to open up to. Dont sell youself short on life, do everything you can to improve yourself and whats around you.

    As for the anger, you got to get it under control because it will eat you up until you hurt yourself or someone around you. Post above says you like horses how lucky to have something that needs you, depends on you to feed, clean, and to give it attention.

    Also give some pysical activities a thought, maybe a punching bag would help, or running around the house as fast as you can until you no longer can move.

    I hope you continue to fight for yourself, I care and yep dont even know you just been where you are to many times to count.