So angry (rambling)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bigman2232, Jul 30, 2011.

  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Everything that I do pretty much leads to me pissed off. It's largely frustration that is shown as anger. I've been this way for at least 4 years and it's getting worse and worse. I have to stop myself from breaking things and I swear one of these days I am going to hurt someone else.

    I just don't have anything to be happy about and my family isn't helping one bit. All I here is that I need a job, that I need to just suck it up and take whatever I can get. Or why don't I do this and this. All of it from people who have no idea what I've done and what I'm going through. They have people who aren't family that love them or at least like them. They've never been to university or involved in my field of study. I was the guniea pig and the results are a completely disaster.

    How am I not supposed to be frustrated when I wasted so much time and money on an education that in today's workplace gives me the same qualifications that aren't enough anymore. Every job I look at requires another degree or a different one, another certificate or another training course. All of which was no where to be found in my 5 year, $40,000 education. Hell I don't even remember any of the stuff I took and I've forgotten a lot of the stuff I used to know because I'm not being questioned about it. Every time I try to demonstrate information I just get laughed at and made fun of for being "smart". Oh and then there's the fact that by the time I am (if I am) able to pay off my loans I will have paid at least another $20,000 in interest. Oh and don't forget about the experience. How the fuck am I supposed to get experience if I can't get a job. Volunteering isn't an option because of the loans.

    Watching your "friends" and family make something of themselves doesn't help. I never fit into my family. I was the quiet, really smart one. And of course the ugly one. The only overweight one. Now they have families or gf/bf, houses, cars, jobs. I'm the failure that just doesn't care about anything anymore. What's the point? I have no reason to want material things. And this wait for it shit, isn't going to fly. I've waited 26 years for something, anything. All I get is friend zoned and only looked at when they are drunk. Sobered up it's back to friend or complete avoidance.

    So I'm stuck in a shitty, boring town with no job and no friends. A town that has absolutely nothing involving what I wanted to do. I don't even know what I want to do anymore. Everything just seems pointless.

    Then I get people lipping off to me, but none of them have the guts to do it to my face. Always online or as they drive by in their car. Call me fat to my face and you'd be spending the time after in a hospital if your lucky.

    I've gotten so angry that I've wanted to hurt these people really badly. I'm talking cutting them open and watching them die. This isn't just any person, but if someone picked a fight with me or was stupid enough to say shit to my face, I don't know what I'd do.

    I've tried everything and it didn't work. Talking might help but I can't afford a therapist and most importantly finding one I can actually talk to and feel comfortable is hard.

    The hardest part is I remember when I was the gentle, calm and patient person. The one people liked and wanted to at least be around. Now I'm so broken that that person is gone. Shit on and pushed around by the world I live in.

    I just want it to be over.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I relate on some levels with you.. I think in today's society jobs are so freaking hard to find.. And even with a degree you aren't guaranteed a job..

    My therapy program has been insisting I just annoy the shit out of ppl to get a job and Ive been looking for about a year.. And I'm not one of those people who just bug u to death u know?

    So I know where you are coming from. They also want me to attend College but I'm against it as I don't want to owe money all my life because I may not have a job.

    Have recently also been annoyed and pissed off at the world and most people.. So yeah..

    Guess that's all I can really say.. Wish the world wasn't so messed up..