So Angry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Damaged_Goods, Oct 25, 2015.

  1. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    I am just so damn angry. Angry at myself, and angry at everyone around me. WTF did I do wrong? I see other people being respected and cared about. I hear people talking about how wonderful someone else is.... and I'm not trying to beg compliments or anything, but damn. It seems like every good thing I do goes unseen, and every bad thing is brought into the spotlight and used to torture me for the rest of my life. And every bad thing anyone does to me? yeh that's my fault too.

    I have a damn mental illness. A few of them actually. Depression. BPD. Bipolar. Anxiety. PTSD. And I'm not trying to blame anyone or anything, but damn. IS it okay to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no to anyone? Is it okay to expect me to do everything because they know I won't stand up for myself? Is it okay to try to trigger me when I actually AM feeling better simply to see my reaction? And then throw it up to me later that I did or said the wrong thing....Is it okay to make fun of me for my illness and constantly remind me that I am a messed up unit? but yeh, they r right, what am I going to do about it? nothing.

    They r right. I am just a stupid worthless bitch. My kitchen cabinets and fridge were bare last week when the church came asking for food to help the needy. So what did I do?I scrounged up a few canned goods and noodles and what little I could find so that I could help. The needy. You know, those people who are living better than me, buying new clothes and drugs and frivolous things while I can't pay my mortgage. But I helped. Because maybe, just maybe, there is someone on their donation list who really IS in need. But I am just a stupid, worthless bitch.

    My IQ is actually extremely high. I was considered "gifted" in school. Gifted? really? Gifted with??? The brains to know that society is cruel?? Gifted with the memories I have of being walked on and abused ALL of my damn life? Gifted with the feelings of self hate and disgust? Yeh I'm gifted.

    I used to be able to put on some make-up and nice clothes and go into the world and, basically, fake everyone out. When I almost succeeded in my attempt to end my life I heard people say "not Amy, she's so pretty and cheerful and nice to everyone"..... but did they ever say those things to me? no. Did anyone ever even say a quick thank you when I took the extra hours at Christmas so they could be with their families? no. Did anyone offer to help when I prepared dinners for 30-40 people "just to be nice and bring our community together"? no. Did anyone ever think to give ME a gift on my birthday or at Christmas... or EVER? no. And I am tired of giving to selfish, ungrateful people. And I am ^%^*^@#! bitter.

    This is how messed up I am: I have tried to commit suicide in the past multiple times, and came close a few.... but I can't even do that right. I do it half assed because I am afraid that, once again, I won't be successful and maybe the next time I'll end up being a vegetable and a burden to others. I actually have visions of ways to be 100% sure it will work. but I doubt myself.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I understand how you're feeling. I doubt very much that you've done anything wrong. You sound like a caring person. Many people's good deeds go unnoticed. I'm impressed that you wanted to give when you felt you had so little yourself - and you did give! That is kind and generous! I'm sorry you've done so many things for others that have not been acknowledged.

    Maybe, just maybe, people believe you are OK and don't have big needs because you are good at putting on a "fake face"? If people never see that we need something or are upset, they might think we don't feel hurt or feel the need for support. They mistake our silence for strength.

    You mention that people trigger you just to see you react, that you don't stand up for yourself. That's just horrible of them! Maybe you could start standing up for yourself by saying here in this thread what you'd like tell them. This a safe place to vent your frustration and anger. Maybe it will help you release some of the initial fiery reaction and find a calm way to tell them not to the next time they try to upset you. *hug*

    You are intelligent and worthwhile. Please keep yourself safe. I hope maybe you'll consider posting what you'd like to say to the people who are insensitive to you.
    2 people like this.
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Fragile, this is the 2nd time I am trying to post a response to you on this, I have a wicked bad Migraine The first one would not post I tried to restart my computer and when I did the first one closed, I do get a bit frustrated with myself when something like that happens I had spent an hour on the other one! If at first you don't succeed................

    Fragile, I want to say I do not happen to believe that You are messed up, You have some medical conditions, that cause you problems and pain, they create a situation that is by all measures, unbearable in the best of circumstances, with no support no one that appears to care or comfort you during these times it is that much worse, you feel alone an tormented, helpless at times and from what I understand reading another post of yours actually compounded and complicated by your husband? I am sorry that you have to deal with a situation and I guess potential misrepresenting of actual events, It is no wonder that you have some issues with what is going on.
    I have tried multiple times as well, you are not alone, I was successful once but I got resuscitated, I spent 7 weeks in a hospital and the day I was released I was not even out the door and I was planning my next attempt! Please don't say what a bang up job you did. I was no brain trust! Ahh your comments on never doing anything right an doing everything wrong strikes home with me as well, I had a very hard time pleasing my father but it was not only him,he told me one time when we went fishing, he said I guess you can't be all bad, you like and that was a compliment!! I know that you are not stupid and worthless or anything else, I would say that you are above average, not saying that to compliment you but I do feel you are very astute, You are caring giving and thoughtful , I would say at this time to much to tolerant, I agree with Acy start standing up for yourself, you will be amazed with what a difference it will make in you! Fragile, I would like to talk more with you,I will tomorrow, I am not done with this yet but My head is making things difficult, I shall return Thank you for Reading and the complimentary remarks, they are appreciated!
    Take care of yourself And Be Gentle to yourself as well!
    2 people like this.
  4. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    oh.. it is going to get ugly................. shut the hell up, stop it urself. Im not your whipping boy..........I'm a person too damn you.Stupid bitch? My IQ is way higher than urs... u want to call me stupid? U quit high school in the 8th grade for God's sake. I GIVE... what do u do.. oh yeh nothing. nothing. not a damn thing. i help people while u tell them they r dumb. f*&^ you. I fucking hate you. Im so damn tired of u walking on me, hurting me........ just fucking stop! stop dammit. i wish i could just die. I dont want to be here. u just keep pushing.....pushing............
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    (hug) I hope it helped to let that out. I heard you loud and clear. Is there more? I would kind of expect some sadness, too, that anyone - ANYONE - could treat you (or anyone else) in a way that hurts so much! If there's more, this is a safe place to vent.

    I think that if someone calls you stupid/says you're stupid, that person is showing you how ignorant s/he is.

    You're right, you're not anybody's little minion to be pushed around! You deserve better than that! You deserve a good life, good people, good times, happiness! All of it!

    I'm guessing...this person/people let you down. You expected better from them, and you have treated them better, and you treat the world at large better. (It's very sad and infuriating when trusted people don't live up to expectations.)

    Be safe. Post anytime. I hope you're feeling a little less stressed now. (((hug)))