I am just so damn angry. Angry at myself, and angry at everyone around me. WTF did I do wrong? I see other people being respected and cared about. I hear people talking about how wonderful someone else is.... and I'm not trying to beg compliments or anything, but damn. It seems like every good thing I do goes unseen, and every bad thing is brought into the spotlight and used to torture me for the rest of my life. And every bad thing anyone does to me? yeh that's my fault too. I have a damn mental illness. A few of them actually. Depression. BPD. Bipolar. Anxiety. PTSD. And I'm not trying to blame anyone or anything, but damn. IS it okay to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no to anyone? Is it okay to expect me to do everything because they know I won't stand up for myself? Is it okay to try to trigger me when I actually AM feeling better simply to see my reaction? And then throw it up to me later that I did or said the wrong thing....Is it okay to make fun of me for my illness and constantly remind me that I am a messed up unit? but yeh, they r right, what am I going to do about it? nothing. They r right. I am just a stupid worthless bitch. My kitchen cabinets and fridge were bare last week when the church came asking for food to help the needy. So what did I do?I scrounged up a few canned goods and noodles and what little I could find so that I could help. The needy. You know, those people who are living better than me, buying new clothes and drugs and frivolous things while I can't pay my mortgage. But I helped. Because maybe, just maybe, there is someone on their donation list who really IS in need. But I am just a stupid, worthless bitch. My IQ is actually extremely high. I was considered "gifted" in school. Gifted? really? Gifted with??? The brains to know that society is cruel?? Gifted with the memories I have of being walked on and abused ALL of my damn life? Gifted with the feelings of self hate and disgust? Yeh I'm gifted. I used to be able to put on some make-up and nice clothes and go into the world and, basically, fake everyone out. When I almost succeeded in my attempt to end my life I heard people say "not Amy, she's so pretty and cheerful and nice to everyone"..... but did they ever say those things to me? no. Did anyone ever even say a quick thank you when I took the extra hours at Christmas so they could be with their families? no. Did anyone offer to help when I prepared dinners for 30-40 people "just to be nice and bring our community together"? no. Did anyone ever think to give ME a gift on my birthday or at Christmas... or EVER? no. And I am tired of giving to selfish, ungrateful people. And I am ^%^*^@#! bitter. This is how messed up I am: I have tried to commit suicide in the past multiple times, and came close a few.... but I can't even do that right. I do it half assed because I am afraid that, once again, I won't be successful and maybe the next time I'll end up being a vegetable and a burden to others. I actually have visions of ways to be 100% sure it will work. but I doubt myself.