So badly down...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrkZ90, Mar 22, 2010.

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  1. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I posted this a month ago on another forum, and today I'm feeling like a thousand times worse, specially knowing that everything is still either just as bad or worse... that emptiness feeling, is horrible, and helps make suicide look like such an awesome way out... well, here it is:

    I thought I was doing relatively well... I wanted to... but I'm starting to think I didn't, and it's getting me not only worried, but scared too...

    I've been sleeping way too little at night... 4 hours at most I'd say... I mainly just do stuff on the laptop to keep my head busy, but once I try to go to sleep I simply break out crying... again, as always, just worse... haven't been able to simply sleep a single day in at least a month and is started to get to me... feeling tired and lifeless (Even more than normal) the whole day... dizziness and headaches are increasingly horrible and common (I've been about to faint a couple of times, horrible feeling)...

    I've been doing increasingly bad academically... grades dropped horrendously, I started skipping classes a lot (I simply can't bring myself together sometimes, let alone going outside, when I feel about breaking down...) and well, that's pretty fucked up... in 5 years I went from being one of the, or the best student to simply being average, barely making it most of the time, and just above average the rest...

    Worst is, I'm not completely sure what's going on with me... only thing I know is I've been looking into the past a lot recently, and I always end up in a hurting memory... re-analizing stuff from my past and gettting to sad, although true, conclusions (at least some stuff makes sense now, and hurts a lot more than before)

    Lately, loneliness feels so bad.... so empty, so cold... I thought I had finally got used to it afterall, that I could control myself when alone... truth is I barely can most of the time, I still can't bring myself to do the stuff I know I love doing...

    I'm very worried, that is starting to be noticeable... I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone start treating me a little better just because they feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone asking questions jusst because they see me miserable, I don't need anymore fake and un-trustworthy friends, I think I have more than enough of those for a lifetime...

    Then are the suicide thoughts, again... it feels such a great idea... end all this shit... so many people would be so happy and glad, so many wouldn't care, makes me wonder, why not? only one losing would be me, not having a future, but that's not much different from now anyway, I wouldn't be missing much...

    And that's what worries me... when I'm relatively normal, it scares me... so much time alone, I might end up doing it, and maybe regretting it... I've turned to self-harm (well, in fact, I've always done it, just being doing it increasingly often as of last)... I don't cut, it leaves scars and bloodstains are easily detected... I hit myself, with whatever is at hand... in my head, in my arms or legs, places where people can't see the bruises... punching myself in the stomach and face, hitting a wall or a table, grabbing and squeezing my neck, all that... that physical pain takes away and shakes away the pain inside...

    There's so much more to this, but I simply can't type it without breaking down, and I try to not give out too much identifiable information, I don't want people's pity, I don't want them treating me better just out of pity
     
  2. PerfectlyMurdered

    PerfectlyMurdered Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down right now, please know that your life is worth saving. Things can and will get better for you. I understand on how you have lost interest on things and your schoolwork, this depression is a tough battle but you are not alone. Please call someone, right now if you are in danger of yourself. Your life is worth it and so is your future. What exactly has been bothering you from the past? Whatever it is, it is not worth beating yourself over for something that has already happened. You need help to get through this and recover for whatever has happened, talk about it more here or talk to a profession please. I used to have the same probelm with things I did in the past, but talking about it does help and I have felt a lot better about it ever since. Call anyone, because I'm sure many people care about you. Please don't think people would want to see you go. Your life is so worth it, as you have many more things to experience in life, I know suicide seems like a good way out, but it is NOT. As getting better is right around the corner. You can get help for your sleeping problems and everything you are going through right now. Do you want to talk more about what has happened in the past?
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry things have declined...is there a MD or such you can talk to so that you can begin a treatment to help you get back to where you were? You deserve to feel good and not have to worry about your well-being...big hugs, J
     
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