There is nothing more that I would love to do right now than to pop a bunch of sleeping pills. That is not an option at the moment. Why? Because there are people counting on my help tomorrow and on Wed., and if I were to die from these od's that I do it would mess up their day. So I am going to get back to it Wed nite. Honestly, it would be a blessing to die like this although I'm not sure that this is my intention. To continue to do this will ultimately take my life I am aware of this, but really I don't care. I want to die. I have never seen myself as growing old anyways. If my actions put me out of order for a few days that is just not going to work considering my next couple of days. Oh I am so not afraid of doing this, and I am finding this harder and harder to stop. I just don't want people in my life to be aware of what is going on. I've been reminded that the hospital is always there if I need it, but it doesn't make sense to me to go if this is what I want to do. Not only that but the last time I tried that they actually made things worse. Why do people try so hard to get people like myself to stop? What is it to them? They don't know me. They don't count on me. I hold no value to them. I am just another person on the street. Why do people act like they care at all? I have to wait one more night and then I can continue. It's hard to do this the waiting that is, but if that is what I must do then so be it.