so close but just couldnt find the courage

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by genericname, Jan 6, 2013.

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  1. genericname

    genericname New Member

    I've been contemplating suicide for some time. yesterday was going to be the day. i wrote a note for my wife and kids and got all of my life insurance information together and organized for my wife. i had the gun to my head at 11:30am yesterday but just couldn't do it. why cant i find the courage to do it? once i do it the pain and suffering will be over. no more tears. i think the only thing stopping me is i keep playing over in my head the reaction my wife and chidlren will have to it. they are the only thing stopping me. i know that suicide is final. once its done it is done and i just dont want to leave my family with holding the broken pieces of my worthless life. if i could kill myself and somehow hide my body so it would never be found i would do that, but i just havent figured out a way to do that yet. driving to mexico and leaving my car at the border and walking into mexico and killing myself might be the answer i would rather my family wonder where i am the rest of their lives than be left wondering if they were the cause of my suicide. my children. i cant stand the thought of what they will think when i kill myself. how do i get over these thoughts and just do it? its not as if i will be the one left in pain and struggling. my pain will finally be over. it is strange. i am semi successful, have 50 employees give or take that all look up to me and think ive got it all together. ive got it all. but i don't. if they only could hear the man in my head. i can lead my employees but i cant control the voice in my head. that voice in my head that tells me how worthtless i am. why cant i control that voice? if i could just get control of that voice i think i would be all right.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you joined, and that you didn't go through with it.

    That voice in your head... do you have any idea where it's coming from, why it's telling you that you're worthless? You aren't worthless, and that voice is wrong; but trying to work out where it's coming from might be at least a starting point in trying to control it.

    Please keep talking to us. I know you're hurting right now, but I can also tell you care deeply about your family. Nothing would take away the pain your kids would face if they lost you, whether it was to suicide or just you disappearing. So I hope you'll try to work through this!
     
  3. blueraz

    blueraz New Member

    You are worth a lot to your family, to the people who work for you, and to me after reading. I'm gald you shared and I'm glad you are still here. Please keep sharing, the fact that you would go through so much lengths to protect your family even amist all you are struggling with show me that you are worth a lot. I wish more people like you were in this world, sure it gets dark but you probably give more light to people than you know. Find the strength to share your pain, that's what I'm trying to do. It's a bit embarrassing for me because everything looks so good on paper and on the outside but inside it hurts. It hurts pretty bad, I don't know where my road leads just yet but I'm trying to steer straight on the path and am exhausting all resources buecause I know I'm worth it...just like you. Don't give up there are so many that will listen and help if you give them a chance. Trust the voices of the many you see and feel love towards than the one you don't and can not. All the best.
     
  4. Vivek85

    Vivek85 Active Member

    Consider seeking professional help, and reading about how other people have handled the 'hurtful voice in the head' phenomenon. Internet search engines might be helpful for this. This forum might even be helpful.

    When you take care of yourself, you take care of others, like your loved ones.
     
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