so close- could trigger

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by msking03, Nov 27, 2008.

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  1. msking03

    msking03 Member

    I really don't know what to do or where to turn. First I started on a forum for depression, but I'm so far past that- and no one is helping. I dunno- I guess I am just tired of what I feel to be empty responses.

    I attempted back when I was 13- still woke up- haven't told anyone in real life about it. I am now 24, and so close to the edge again.

    I have no reason. I've just been depressed for so long that all it has done is cause more problems in my life
    (addictions, eating disorders, and soon a failed marriage)

    I had a wonderful marriage once. I now have a beautiful daughter. I'm so afraid of screwing her life up though. She would be so much better off without me. I know my husband would be happier if I wasn't around (he doesn't mean he wants me dead by that- I know this, but it still feels that way).

    I've done more in planning this time around than I did when I was 13. I was young and naive. I'm scared at how prepared I am I guess. I wrote out a note to give a therapist when I get one- I'm just hoping I make it that long.

    My problem on why I think I am getting closer and closer: I have posted a note online for my husband (one he would only search for if I were to kill myself) about how it's not his fault. Literally a suicide note without details. On top of that I have my plan in actio, ready to go whenever I choose.

    I don't mean to go into detail. I'm sorry if that is a problem- I just think it is all relevant to how scared I am I might go through with it.

    See the kicker is this: As badly as I don't want to be here, as badly as I wish to not exist- I don't actually want to die, but when you feel there is no hope left... I dunno- it seems to be the only option at that point.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2008
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi msking. I'm sorry that you're feeling this bad. But please don't hurt yourself. You have a young daughter who really needs you in her life. You may not be the perfect mother, but nobody is. I think it would hurt her a lot more knowing that her mother committed suicide instead of sticking around to help her grow up. She might even feel guilty, that it was somehow her fault that you did it. Try to work things out with your husband. You're still young and have many good years ahead. Please get help. :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    So often depression leaves us with no feelings of hope and the certainty that no matter how hard we try it won't get any better. The only relief we can see is to escape life. Don't let the depression fool you. Things may not go the way you would like them to, but that doesn't mean life has to end to improve. Your husband would not be better off without you and your daughter definitely needs you to be there for her. Once again, depression will tell you otherwise. Live in the moment. One step at a time. :hug:
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello and welcome to the forum,
    You have come to the right place for support, advice, friendship, and plenty of shoulders to lean on and just let it all out. No one knows who you are so don't feel that you need to hold back.
    I am glad you are thinking of your daughter,try to draw some strength from her. She loves you and needs you. It is not easy for a daughter to be raised by a male. Because we are ignorant to what things and advice that only a mother can help with.
    I realize you are in alot of pain. Do you want to talk about it? If you would prefer a one on one then just PM one of us. Think it over we will be here. Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  5. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum

    please dont give up
    ive tried three times now
    and once on accident
    i would talk to your husband about it
    and seek held as soon as possible

    my grandma killed herself,
    and im taking it hard even now
    it happened when i was in 1999-2000
    and i still am upset by it
    i fear that your daughter will feel the same if she ever finds out

    please seek help
    if you want to talk, please private message (PM) me!

    Take Care
    Taylor<3
     
  6. msking03

    msking03 Member

    Thanks for all of the responses. It's nice to see such a variety of people trying to help eachother. I want to sit here and type up all the reasons I think people would be better of and what not.

    Truth is, I know it would destroy a part of my daughter and husband if I were to follow through. But I feel I would do way more damage being around. Like a lesser of two evils if you will.

    I plan on seeking help- face-to-face help. I am trying to hold on until then, but at least a week and a half I am sure. I'm hanging onto that last little bit of hope that I can get better and be a better wife and mother. Right now I am a burden- not the support I am supposed to be. I can't do my job as a functioning person in society right now. I'm useless until I get help. I want to get help, I just don't know how much longer I can wait, you know? I'm just afraid of it not working. I have just never been this close, this organized, this planned out before. I've never taken it this far other than a half-assed attempt when I was 13 that was spur of the moment.

    And this depression, it brings on so much more than what my body can physically handle. I'm amazed at how it physically affects me, not just mentally- my body is coming to its breaking point on its own.
     
  7. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    Then stop waiting. Depression kills you inside. You're thinking about suicide - of course you can't function. Please get help as soon as you can. It is so much better to try than to not. You have to find that courage inside of yourself, the voice that says you CAN do it. Because you can. Also, your daughter would be crushed inside without you. You are her mother. That kind of bond is irreplaceable. Don't think for a moment that she, or anyone else, would be better off without you. It's not the case.

    Please get the help you deserve. :hug:
     
  8. msking03

    msking03 Member

    I am feeling better today- not as desperate, I guess. Still down.

    I don't know why I have these moments. Like the need to just do it is sooooo strong, but as long as I am strong enough to hold out- it will pass, even if just for a short while. I don't think about that in those moments. I think sub-consciously I know it, and my body does something to just make me hold on a little longer.

    What I am worried about, is that during these episodes, I can think of nothing else; no logic gets through. Like telling cigarette smokers that the cigarettes are blackening their lungs. They already know- they don't care. That's the only way I can describe it (it's not exactly what happens, but close). The other concern is that each time I have one, I get closer and closer. I don't think I will survive many more.

    I was once on a Phen-Pro combo, it made me more suicidal. My problem is that I need the Phentermine again (helps with builmia) and I don't know if it was the combo or that Prozac just doesn't work for me. I don't know if they mix Phentermine with any other type of anti-depressant though. Anyone know?

    Anyway- my daughter is waking up, so I will bbiab
     
  9. stormfront

    stormfront Member

    I have been there. I know that black feeling well, its not me, its not something you can "just snap out of". It takes you over. A walk in the mall doesn't do shit. Seeing a happy family only makes it worse, wishing you could be that way. Even spending a quiet minute with your kid is fruitless, you can't even concentrate through the fog you're going through.

    I was at a McDonalds the other day and this snotty teenager was complaining, "they didn't put crushed nuts on my sundae - I'm SOOOOO depressed..." It took all my might to not slam her in the face. I used to think I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but my attitude has changed. I wish this on EVERY PERSON ALIVE, if only for a few hours, to see exactly what kind of mental torment this really is.

    That being said, you're not alone. Actually, quite a few people have gone through what you're going through and have come out the other side. Many famous people, too. Abraham Lincoln would have depressions so severe, his friends never left his side for fear of him suiciding. Yet he became one of the greatest presidents of all time. Winston Churchill called his episodes of depression the "black dog", yet he fought the tyranny of Adolf Hitler and kept his country together when he could've easily surrendered. He drank, smoked cigars, yet lived into his 80's.

    You sound like you want to live. You just want to escape the pain. Thats the depression talking. And that talking can be quieted, but it does take some hard work. Say there's a buried treasure, you know its there, but you have to dig for it. You wouldn't shovel one pile of dirt, would you? You have to keep shoveling, pile after pile, to finally reach your goal. Overcoming depression is just like that. A great book to read is "Feeling Good", by David Burns. It lists the 10 cognitive distortions that shows where your thinking is wrong. Buy it today and get reading and get to work. Caution - it won't work overnight. It takes practice, you'll fall back, but you WILL get better. There's no magical overnight cure for depression, but damn, the hard work and sweat will be worth it.

    Another good book is "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me" - by Susan Blauner. She writes how all she could do was think about suicide..her brain was so wired into depression, she attempted suicide several times. Yet now she has written a book and is helping others who were in her boat. She freely admits to being suicidal thought free for many years now.

    There is so much help available for this - please do not think of yourself as hopeless. A doctor named Abraham Low once said, "There are no hopeless cases in my practice".
     
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