So close to it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by will_1957, Dec 24, 2010.

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  1. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    Last night was a horrible night for me. I went through some things and I just couldn't stop thinking about dying. I came up with several different plans and my head felt clearer about it than I had ever felt before. If I went through with one of these plans I'm sure they would work, which I had never felt before during previous attempts.

    And what brought this string of thoughts on was just having this flood of horrible things being said about me in my mind. Just the worst things that I'd ever heard. More than just that I'm worthless. That I'm the worst person in the world, that I'm the biggest loser ever, that the rest of my life will be miserable, and countless other things.

    And I sat there and thought about the various ways I could die and they actually seemed like they could be pulled off. I even planned tiny details that I would have never thought about before. And I've never felt calmer about this. I felt that it's going to be okay and my level of fear is much lower. I just want to face whatever it is there is at the end and hope against hope that it's just nothingness.

    I feel so clear headed but it's not like my depression has lifted and I'm feeling enough strength to pull this off. I'm as depressed as I've always been (if not moreso). I've been on so many medications. There are only about one or two classes of meds that I haven't tried yet and they both have horrible side effects. Recently I just got done with 12 sessions of ECT and I wonder if that's why my head is a little more clear. But even that wouldn't break down the depression. I feel like I'm out of options

    But I can't go back to the fucking hospital. I've been there three times and all three times I had a completely miserable time there and nothing they did there helped. So if I do it I'm not going to fuck things up. If I'm going to do it I'm playing for keeps so there's no chance they'll lock me up again.

    I know I'll hurt a lot of people. At least my immediate family but I can't say that they wouldn't expect this from me. I really really like my therapist and we're really close and I know that this would hurt him b/c he was really scared the last time I was hospitalized. But if I'm just going to be a complete drain on every one if I'm alive then I don't want to be alive. It's as simple as that.
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I usually wish people well in their plans but not that plan.

    I thought my depression was bad but I've never had ECT and never actually took any pill I was prescribed. This is NOT something most people should do but obviously I'm coping without the pills.

    What's your situation in the USA? Working or maybe unemployed like millions of us English? Or has your depression been the sort that hinders 'careers'? Obviously, with ECT I'm guessing that your likely struggling with keeping up 'passions' or hobbies and relationships.

    At least you have family though which is a blessing when your feeling ok in yourself - a blessing when your down but with depression even the people you love can seem wicked almost. That's just depression though. Kind of a kindness filter - filters out all the kindness of life.

    Anyhow, I hope you can dig deep for the reasons you obviously once had and still have for being alive. We're so close to a new year that its worth hanging on in the stubborn hope that maybe things will be ok.

    Plus, as a bonus, many reckon 2012 will be the end of the world. Some ships are in China, or something and we all get flooded or die in earthquakes.

    So if 2011 turns out to be a another Year of the Black Dog - at least you can dance a jig when the world ends.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Could there be some lag time with the ECT kicking in?

    I hope that you feel better

    Maybe give your therapist another chance to see if there is something else that can be done to help

    would probably hurt him bad to loose you
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not a drain on anyone you are just not well right now but you can get stable you can get feeling better. It take time okay please know that. I hope you talk to your therapist soon and be honest with him on how you are feeling
    Please hang on okay don't hurt your family or others by leaving them
  5. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    I'm unemployed. I graduated from college with a BA in 2009. After getting out I couldn't find a job and had to work at walmart for almost a year and that experience was so horrible that it ended in my latest suicide attempt which was my most serious yet. Thinking about working in a place like that for longer than a year just made me want to die but there were many other reasons too.

    After getting out of the hospital I went to a support group at another hospital-a day treatment program and then a morning meeting for a while. And then a little while I had to stop going to that and start the ECT and then once I'm done with the ECT I'm hoping to go back to group therapy. But suffice it to say I'm following everyone's advice and following all my doctor's and caregiver's advice and I'm still not seeing any hope on the horizon for me.

    And then within the last few weeks I had a breakthrough with my therapist and we figured out that I was dealing with a lot of gender dysphoria that I had been suppressing throughout the years. Just thinking about all the trouble that could bring me in the future makes me think it's better to end things too.

    My family is really nice and they've taken care of me the best they could but it really wouldn't be a surprise to them or any one else really if I killed myself. If I could just cease to exist without hurting them at all I would do it but that's not possible.

    And I dont believe in all that 2012 stuff so I can't even hope for that :(
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is hard i know when the depression just won't let up My mind also tells me horrible things and i just want to go to sleep get away from it all. I have tried new medication and it has help the sadness go away some. I know even as we speak new meds are out there with less side effects. Your right your family will never recover from you leaving them NEVER i know i have not recover from my bro leaving got it hurts so much .. Please don't ever leave them with that kind of pain. You deserve so much i wish you could try again medication anyways different type therapy dont' give up okay You have us here as well we will help you when it all seems too much hugs
  7. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    I have tried the new meds with less side-effects and they're are usually all in the same class of medications so unless they come out with a new entire class of antidepressants that turn out to work like miracle drugs I wouldn't hold my breath about what could actually help me. And I was always told that ECT was usually a last resort. So if I'm told that and I feel that it has done very little in relieving the depression (and have given me some pretty bad side-effects to boot) then I feel hopeless all over again.

    I like my therapist. He's about the only one I can level with. I've tried a whole range of different therapies (Like DBT and CBT) and found them to be lacking. I would walk into my therapist's office right now and tell him about how bad my suicidal thinking was and I think he'd be there for me and really try to help (I even got a hug from him the last time I saw him) but I just worry that they're are procedures in place that when someone talks about suicide like that then they call the hospital and I would have to be involuntarily admitted. And I know for a fact that the hospital does not do anything for me (at least not in the 3 rather lengthy stays there).

    So I honestly don't know.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ssr don't work for me i use wellbutrin and honestly it works on dopermine not the seratonin levels my t is good too won't hospital you unless you say you are going to kill yourself today. they work with you. have you tried saphris i hear that drug has worked on people that are hard to treat that no other medication has worked saphris has. keep looking okay like i said new meds not even in my country yet being produced take care and please stay safe there is always hope talk with you therapist okay
  9. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    I'm more than close to it. I'm so suicidal right now. But I'm not going to the fucking hospital again ever. The hospital is worse than death. I will never go back there. If I can manage it, I'm going to choose as fool-proof a method as I can, even if it's the most pain I will ever be in before I die. I just have to make sure that nobody finds me and sends me to the shithole hospital.

    I have no hope for the future. I'm stuck where I am and that happens to be in the middle of nowhere with no forseeable future to look forward to. I can't find a job and I'm too fucked up with my depression to even manage one right now.

    And then I find out that I might be transgender and that if I go down that path its probably going to be just more hardship and it may not relieve any of my depression at all. It might just be a money sink and I come to the same conclusion that I've always had. That I need to die.
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Will, can you take life as steps, one step at a time so its not so overwhelming to you? I have no words today to make anyone feel better, but I want you to know that those fighting thoughts you had the other night, thats you fighting the depression disease, you won that night, and I hope you continue to fight and continue to win.
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    What makes you feel that you might be transgender? Are you planning on becoming a girl Michael? Be comfortable with who you are. :hug:
  12. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    I really don't know about what exactly I am. Sometimes I'm so sure that I'm really female in a male body and other times I'm not sure at all. That might mean I'm more genderqueer than transsexual but I really don't know. I've had thoughts like these on and off for a few years and there have been plenty of signs that I'm experiencing at least some gender dysphoria.

    Later today I'm going to see a new therapist that deals exclusively with Gender Identity issues so I'm hoping that at least some things will start to be cleared up for me.
  13. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I hope your meeting with the gender identity therapist goes well.
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my best friend is transgendered. the early years were difficult, especially when it came time to tell his family (he is ftm). but as it turned out they were totally supportive and once he transitioned he found such inner peace and happiness. keep pursuing this with your therapist. i wish you well. being transgendered is not a death sentence.
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Good Luck
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I hope that you're able to sort out your gender identity issues with your therapist Michael. What scares me about being transgendered is the whole 'surgury.' I could never understand how someone can mutilate themselves to change sexes.
  17. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    Surgery isn't necessary to be transgender. There are plenty of people who choose not to go the surgery route but are still living as transgendered men and women. Myself, I don't know if I want to do surgery at all. I know that if I go this route I want to be on hormone therapy and possibly do electrolosis but I don't know about SRS surgery.
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    But why bother going through the hormone therapy? Why not just live your life as a guy, because that's how you were born? I understand that a part of you would like to be a girl, but is it really worth it?
  19. will_1957

    will_1957 Well-Known Member

    Because I think that I should not be defined by some arbitrary decision by the doctor that delivered me when I was a baby. There is a very large part of me that can't stand anything about me that I see as masculine. In my mind I am already feeling more like a woman than a man so I would always feel this intense hatred for my outward appearance and it would cause more problems with my depression and anxiety (if it hasn't already).

    I don't know for sure that I'm a MtF transsexual. I may just be genderqueer, and in that case I would not be able to get hormones at all so it all depends. I'm still trying to figure all this out but I know that if I just stay as a "normal" man I am not going to be happy.
  20. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    follow what's in your heart.

    how did it go with the new therapist?
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