Last night was a horrible night for me. I went through some things and I just couldn't stop thinking about dying. I came up with several different plans and my head felt clearer about it than I had ever felt before. If I went through with one of these plans I'm sure they would work, which I had never felt before during previous attempts. And what brought this string of thoughts on was just having this flood of horrible things being said about me in my mind. Just the worst things that I'd ever heard. More than just that I'm worthless. That I'm the worst person in the world, that I'm the biggest loser ever, that the rest of my life will be miserable, and countless other things. And I sat there and thought about the various ways I could die and they actually seemed like they could be pulled off. I even planned tiny details that I would have never thought about before. And I've never felt calmer about this. I felt that it's going to be okay and my level of fear is much lower. I just want to face whatever it is there is at the end and hope against hope that it's just nothingness. I feel so clear headed but it's not like my depression has lifted and I'm feeling enough strength to pull this off. I'm as depressed as I've always been (if not moreso). I've been on so many medications. There are only about one or two classes of meds that I haven't tried yet and they both have horrible side effects. Recently I just got done with 12 sessions of ECT and I wonder if that's why my head is a little more clear. But even that wouldn't break down the depression. I feel like I'm out of options But I can't go back to the fucking hospital. I've been there three times and all three times I had a completely miserable time there and nothing they did there helped. So if I do it I'm not going to fuck things up. If I'm going to do it I'm playing for keeps so there's no chance they'll lock me up again. I know I'll hurt a lot of people. At least my immediate family but I can't say that they wouldn't expect this from me. I really really like my therapist and we're really close and I know that this would hurt him b/c he was really scared the last time I was hospitalized. But if I'm just going to be a complete drain on every one if I'm alive then I don't want to be alive. It's as simple as that.