So close to throwing myself off...

In my town there is a tall bridge, in the background cars make a muffled grumble as they blitz by, underneath the dark merciless river becons me. It's cold and the wind is blowing unbearably tonight...
I have no one in the world who really knows me. It sounds stupid to me to be lamenting like this, to even start a post like this but I have no more hope in the world... I'm a loneley soul at only 24. I have travelled my whole life, everytime leaving an existence behind, shedding a piece of my heart... Now, alone and hurt I have nowhere to turn so I spin endlessly, carrying an incesant hate in my belly. Mostly towards myslef, how funny and how wretched...

I was diagnosed with BPD six months ago, am on medication and seeing a doctor... I really need someone to talk to... I am the vilain in every spectrum of my life, when really I'm just lost and in terrible pain, gropping at everyone histerically for acceptance and love...

Maybe sharing my story openly (yet annonymously ) will help relieve some of my strife so I can learn more about myself and others in the same situation...
Every night I get nearer and nearer the breaking point. I howl as tears stream from my face, I wail... Have you ever been so close to dying while being alive?

Sending love and support to those who are giving up.
Eagerly awaiting a reply... Thanks*

 

Hi BellaOnTheBridge
Welcome to SF! I'm sorry.. things sound pretty unbearable for you right now. It doesn't sound as if your current medication is working for you. Is there any chance you can get it altered? That may elevate your mood slightly, so you can work towards feeling better about life and yourself. I think talking to a doctor is good, you seem to be hurting a great deal. While on this forum, I think you will meet people with whom you can relate to, and who can relate to you. You are not alone in feeling this way, and I hope that you can find support and kindness here, which is what you need and deserve. Please keep posting, letting us know what is going on for you, and if you need to talk feel free to PM me. Take care of yourself :arms:

 

Bella...firstly, you write so well and are so gifted...I would hate for the world to lose that...many of us here know the feelings you expressed...incriminated because of our illnesses which make us so far from our truer selves...I have had that a lot lately...been told I am too rageful, etc. and all it does is enrage me more...please know there are so many of us who relate to what you have written and we are here to support you and to let you know you are not alone...please stay safe and keep posting and letting us know how you are doing...big hugs, J

 

Bella, I sincerely think you should channel your thoughts and feelings into a self penned book. This will not only help with your anger but also be a goal to aim towards. Hope you get all the help you need as you're obviously a very bright & intelligent person.

 

Bella read my introductory post here: http://suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=96250 I consider myself as one of the wretched people on the face of the earth. I was about to commit suicide. Now I think I shouldn't as I realized finally that this is not the solution to my problem. There are so many people around here who share the same feelings. This forum is a treasure. Stick to this forum and keep updating us of your status. We will help one another. You are not alone. You are a family member of suicide forum.

 

Hi, welcome to SF. I agree with J. You do have a great way with words.