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So close

#1
I just need to vent ... I am so close to getting this all to just stop. I know my family will be devastated but how can I keep this fakeness going on. I love them so much and love the life I created but trauma destroyed it all. I am petrified of burning in hell....but I have my own hell here. Meds, therapy, etc....nothing works. I just do not see a future. I cringe at the embarrassment and humiliation I could cause my family but they will be ok eventually. My hat is off to all of you who have been at this for years. maybe You can offer some words of wisdom. Thanks,...
 

Human Ex Machinae

Void Where Prohibited
#2
HMD, to maybe get a better perspective on it, put yourself in your family's position. You love them very much. Now, imagine if one of them did what you're contemplating. Do you think it would be no big deal, because after all you'd be ok eventually?
 
#3
Hi HMD, I've been where you are a number of times. Trying to keep myself around for other people took a lot out of me. I finally came around to keeping myself around for me instead.
You've been through therapy, so I assume you have created a wellness plan with the help of your therapist. These plans really do help with the anxiety caused by your traumas.
What happened in your life happened, that can't be changed. Instead maybe try to accept them. This by no means, means you should condone what happened. It simply means you're accepting the fact that they happened.
You'll find that you'll always feel better then you do when you fight something that cannot be changed.

I hope this message comes across as intended. Please be kind to yourself. You are a much needed part of this life.
 
#4
Hi HMD, I've been where you are a number of times. Trying to keep myself around for other people took a lot out of me. I finally came around to keeping myself around for me instead.
You've been through therapy, so I assume you have created a wellness plan with the help of your therapist. These plans really do help with the anxiety caused by your traumas.
What happened in your life happened, that can't be changed. Instead maybe try to accept them. This by no means, means you should condone what happened. It simply means you're accepting the fact that they happened.
You'll find that you'll always feel better then you do when you fight something that cannot be changed.

I hope this message comes across as intended. Please be kind to yourself. You are a much needed part of this life.
Thanks....it is so difficult because I am 62 and had a real normal life until the trauma 3 years ago. I then did some real shitty things to people I love that was totally out of character for me. I didn’t hurt them physically but nonetheless hurt them. I hate myself. It is only a matter of time
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
I then did some real shitty things to people I love that was totally out of character for me. I didn’t hurt them physically but nonetheless hurt them. I hate myself
Sometimes we hurt people. All we can do is apologize. The fact that you feel so bad about it shows that you care, if you were such an awful person it wouldn't bother you.
Like you I hurt someone I love very much. I had my reasons, some were very valid although it doesn't excuse what I did. But no matter how much I may want to, I can't change it now. So what choice do I have other than to accept it, apologize and move on. They will either forgive me or they won't.

Whatever happens your family and friends will never be ok eventually. They'd rather have you, mistakes and all, than to lose you forever.
 

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