So Close..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Sep 6, 2011.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    I stopped coming here a year ago, things appeared to be looking up. Now they've spiralled downward again. Worse this time. I'm so close to just saying screw it all and getting the hell off this planet. Don't see a way out of the problems that have stacked up on me
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome back. I hope you find the support that you need here. :hug:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome back, and I wish it were under better circumstances...what is going on and how can we support you?
  4. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    I've only been here a few months. I was really lucky, as my situation improved dramatically shortly after finding SF. I've been on a good, upward climb for the past 2 months, and my life and mind are doing well. I've noticed one thing about SF that I didn't expect. After having my good fortune, by returning here almost daily I keep in touch with how bad things were for me, and how delicate the balance is. Coming back each day helps me keep my focus - and hopefully occaisonally help others.

    I hope you can talk to us some more.

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you come back hun post some more okay so we can support you hugs
  6. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the kindness... I appreciate it... this has not been a good year for me. Late 2009 showed much improvement. I got approved for disability for the multi-system health problems i have. List is massive.

    Bi-Polar, Depression, Anxiety and Social Anxiety, Peripheral Vascular Disease, Narcolepsy, Abcessed Wisdom Teeth (i cant get removed), Degenerative Disc Disease, 4 Partially Herniated Discs, Asthma, IBS, Ulcers, Polycystic Ovaries (have small cysts), and Chronic undiagnosed Skin Conditions. I know it sounds impossible in a lifetime let alone by the time one is 32 years old to have these problems, but i do and have.

    I Stuggle all the time to even function through daily activities. Cooking, Cleaning, Grocery Shoping. Managing our stairs in our apartment building is hell, walking is a nightmare and excruciatingly painful. Then the Narcolepsy...

    I know it is hard for my family to deal with me falling asleep on a daily basis.. sometimes in mid conversation.. They blame my being up all night. I have horrible night anxiety and panic attacks, and often times if i do fall asleep i have issues with my body waking up before my brain is fully awake, let me tell you the nightmares are hidious and in the moment very real, cant tell reality from the nightmares.

    Daytime i sleep much better. So my schedule has shifted from night sleeper to day sleeper, which my early to bed, early to rise family for years hasnt understood. They think it's because i like to stay up all night and exhaust myself, then sleep all day. NOT the case. I'm missing 90% of my life with my family and it hurts deeply that im wasting my life sleeping. I can get 12 hours of sleep and still wake up drained and tired.

    I have no friends in real life, NONE what-so-ever that i can hang out with, just close friends via the net whom i can text or chat to on messenger, half of them avoid me now because im not a ray of sunshine. I have no quality of life, i dont have money to even go out for a cup of coffee anymore, or see a movie, my life is spent at home, in a recliner chair, watching tv or using the net. When i do go out to the store or in public people laugh at me and make snide comments. I'm quite overweight due to not being active from health issues. Everyone assumes overweight people just stuff their face, few realize sometimes its medical problems creating the weight not food.

    Also have lost my dad in 2006 (not recovered from losing him), a close friend in 2007, family friend in 2008, grandad in 2010, and great uncle in 2011. In such a short space of time every keeps dying or they decide im not worth their time. I'm paranoid to the point of checking my family several times a night to make sure they've not passed on (which annoys them).

    Just moved to a new state in May, lost my medical insurance through the State i was in previously, re-started my medical in the new state, now family is moving BACK to the state i lost insurance in. I was being treated by a pain management doctor and am on strong medications, was given enough to get me through until the end of September (when i was supposed to be established with a new Doc) well even if i closed my medical application process now that takes 30 days. then 30 days to re-start my application and get approved in Arizona. THEN 30 days wait to see my pain management doc again. i've got 28 days left on my meds. not 90 days.

    Sorry for the rant but this is what lead me back here, im not sure how long i can keep this up... just feel terrified and overwhelmed. Hate my life and medical problems, im a huge screw up.
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts. ~ All the best, Alex ~
  8. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Thank you Mr.Alex, :hug:
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anam Cara I remember you...Welcome back..Can you establish a family GP.. Maybe he can give you some more pain meds to get yopu thru..I know how it is to live in chronic pain..Theres nothing they can do for mine..Just wanted you to know that you were remembered..
  10. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the welcome back Stranger1, it's been quite a while.. Just wish my return was with better news...and circumstances.

    Dearly would i love to establish a GP. Had one but id have to be back in Arizona and i no longer have state medical insurance. GP isnt able to prescribe my meds as they're only able to be prescribed by a pain management doctor now. I can go to the ER but ill get billed (cant afford the bills right now and my credit is already suffering from years of medical problems without insurance).

    If i do go to the ER they'll give me 15 vicodin, pat me on the head and suggest i see a pain management doctor, which i WOULD if i could. Doesn't do anything for the serious withdrawls i'll be having soon. I tried cutting my meds to one dose a day to extend it and ended up with mild seizures and pain rebounding ten-fold.

    My pain management Doc in AZ, told me they can't touch my case now as i'm across state lines and no longer under their practice's juristiction. Nice to know that after two years of being treated with powerful meds they'll not even discuss solutions. Like I said, I'd have to close my case in the state im in (takes 30 days), re-apply in AZ after moving back (takes 30 days), then move back to AZ, reapply for medical there, schedule an appointment with my GP (2 weeks to 30 days to do that forgot i have to have a referral), referral process can take up to 30 days, THEN it usually is 30 days to get in and see the Pain Management doctor.

    I forgot about needing to see my GP and get a referral that alone could take 60 days. the math makes me ill.. im down to 28 days of meds, and potentially 150 days to get my medical ready and me back to pain management. I CANT do that, i wont be able to function.
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