So Complicated

Racheliz

Well-Known Member
#1
First off, thanks for reading. Please no advice, I just need understanding and a listening ear.

I've been on here before, typically for loneliness, saying I don't have a relationship. I said that because I don't know what I have.

I have a man I love with all my heart. I see him every Sunday and sometimes an evening or two during the week. In the past, we were definitely more than friends, though he always introduced me as his "friend".

Nearly ten months ago, when this depression began, he started to pull away from me emotionally. I didn't know what was wrong. Long story short, he eventually told me he had suffered flashbacks from the abuse he had experienced in his prior marriage. He has been experiencing anxiety, nightmares, and other PTSD symptoms ever since and has been emotionally distant. Things kind of came to a head six weeks ago, and he said he was going to get help, that things would be okay.

Over the last two weeks, he has still not gotten help and is still having a great deal of anxiety. However, he seems to have loosened up around me as my depression has begun to lift and I know I've been easier to be around. Last Sunday, he kissed me for the first time since late last summer. But he still won't say he loves me, still says he feels marriage is "a bad idea" because it "will all go bad, like it did before" with his ex wife.

Yesterday I confronted him about getting help. I tried to be as gentle as I could. The problem is that I felt him pull away a little again when I spoke to him about it. When I got home, I sent him some texts letting him know about the relationship anxiety and loneliness I've been feeling with him, and that I no longer know how to interact with him. It was very late when I sent the texts, so I know he hasn't seen them yet. Now I'm beside myself with agonizing anxiety that I may have ruined things by putting my emotions out there too much, and therefore causing him more anxiety and losing his trust.

I feel like I never do the relationship thing right. I don't know what I should be doing. I'm a person who always gently shares what I'm feeling and thinking. I've always been this way. But he is not like this. So to spare him additional anxiety, I try to keep it to myself until I burst. Then think I share too much and too emotionally because of pent-up anxiety. It's ridiculous. I should do better. I'm 34 years old and should be more mature about it.

The advice I run across is contradictory and confusing. "You should be able to share everything you're feeling with him." "Don't smother him, or you'll lose him." "Your needs are what are most important. Don't put up with this crap anymore." "Just relax, and he'll relax with you." And, most of all, "He's not worth being so distressed over. Kick him to the curb, get over him, and move on."

So the last thing I need is more advice. He is worth it to me. He's the only man I've ever loved. He is different than other men I've met. He's kind and gentle and endlessly patient. He's hung in there with me through my severe depression and a psychiatric hospitalization. Not only is he my only ever love, he's also my only friend. I don't think I'll love again. Yes, I'm suffering, but I see how he's suffering, too. How could I callously abandon him because MY needs aren't being completely met????

It's so very complicated. I feel so alone in dealing with this. I feel like no one understands why this is so important to me. I feel constantly judged for staying with him, so I don't talk about this relationship, my biggest source of fear, joy, anxiety, and love, with anyone anymore. I feel like it will eventually end, but a small part of me thinks it will work out into something wonderful in the end. But I'm afraid to hope too much.

I also think, what if a large part of the problem has been me, my depression, and my relationship anxiety? It's the first time I've thought this. Now it's four o'clock in the morning, I've barely slept tonight, and the anxiety is killing me. He will wake up in an hour and see my texts, which I regret sending but can't take back now. I'm distraught.
 
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