I'm tired of all this. Tired of trying and tired of working so hard to convince myself that there's a point to trying. A few days ago i was talking with one of my friends about random stuff and our parents came up and as it turns out I was abused as a child and didnt even realize it until now. I told her the truth, that if i did something bad i would get spanked, but it was usually on my arms or the backs of my ankles or [sometimes] i would get hit in the head. Most of the time my arms and ankles would bruise. I dont think that my head ever did. I would also get locked out in the backyard for about an hour at a time, which doesnt seem too bad except that i was severely afraid of the dark, and i would start having panic attacks and not be able to breathe. Because i couldn't breathe i would never scream, which was basically the reason that they did it in the first place, they knew they would never get in trouble because i would never scream. How did i not realize this was abuse? I have no idea. I didnt even want to believe it when she told me, i had to ask 2 other friends because i didn't believe it. How naive could i be? But it's over now. They haven't hit me in a good 3 years. And i'm graduating soon so i'll be away from home. But my whole life is just kind of pointless. I dont really see the point in living anymore. It doesnt make me happy, i dont remember the last time i was happy. And right now the only reason i'm even still here is because of my friends, every time i want to do it, i call one of my friends and i just start a random conversation like I'm bored, what r u doing... and usually end up talking 2 them for about an hour or 2, and then i convince myself that it's worth living so that they don't have to suffer the loss of a friend. But really i dont know if it wouldn't be easier on them, considering the burden i am. Siigh. I just really dont know anymore.