So confused.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nessamichellle, Nov 12, 2007.

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  1. nessamichellle

    nessamichellle New Member

    I'm tired of all this. Tired of trying and tired of working so hard to convince myself that there's a point to trying. A few days ago i was talking with one of my friends about random stuff and our parents came up and as it turns out I was abused as a child and didnt even realize it until now. I told her the truth, that if i did something bad i would get spanked, but it was usually on my arms or the backs of my ankles or [sometimes] i would get hit in the head. Most of the time my arms and ankles would bruise. I dont think that my head ever did. I would also get locked out in the backyard for about an hour at a time, which doesnt seem too bad except that i was severely afraid of the dark, and i would start having panic attacks and not be able to breathe. Because i couldn't breathe i would never scream, which was basically the reason that they did it in the first place, they knew they would never get in trouble because i would never scream. How did i not realize this was abuse? I have no idea. I didnt even want to believe it when she told me, i had to ask 2 other friends because i didn't believe it.
    How naive could i be?
    But it's over now. They haven't hit me in a good 3 years. And i'm graduating soon so i'll be away from home. But my whole life is just kind of pointless. I dont really see the point in living anymore. It doesnt make me happy, i dont remember the last time i was happy. And right now the only reason i'm even still here is because of my friends, every time i want to do it, i call one of my friends and i just start a random conversation like I'm bored, what r u doing... and usually end up talking 2 them for about an hour or 2, and then i convince myself that it's worth living so that they don't have to suffer the loss of a friend. But really i dont know if it wouldn't be easier on them, considering the burden i am.

    I just really dont know anymore.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If your friends thought of you as a burden, they wouldn't be there when you call. Forget about all the other stuff just for a moment. Give yourself a chance to take a deep breath. You are so young to have to be facing so many demons. If you ever need another friend to let it all out with PM me here and we can talk. Sometimes just getting it out in the open is enough to rid you of that burden. Be safe.
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