So confused..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TBear, Oct 24, 2010.

  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It has been a long time snice I have beeen here

    So turbulent - still fighting

    At this point - my therapist thinks I have become too dependent, and has cut off the phone interventions that were so helpful, which sent me into a cutting spree tonight

    But another piece of who I am cannot kill myself, since I just became a grandma!!

    I have a grandson - born on Saturday - I couldn't do this to my children - So what is the solution? Kill the feeling parts of who I am and go thru life without feeling...

    But that is just a living death....

    So i am killing 5 of the 13 personalities.... or at least isolating them...

    Feeling so confused and hurt
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That does sound very confusing (this is ggg btw) :hug:

    I don't understand his reasoning. You were using his service that helps you which is non-harmful phone interventions when you're fragile. I believe it's unfair of him, especially if you've relied on him for so much support.

    What do you think?

    Did you have a long discussion about this recent change or did he spring this on you suddenly?

    Your feelings are so completely understandable, but don't damage the parts of you that reached out for his help. It's not your fault he can't deal with whatever you're bringing to him, which might be the case? If you did, you'd undo what you've done by coming together, which is what I understand you've been doing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2010
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on the grandson! I'm glad you have him as a reason to continue on.

    What will happen when you isolate them? How do you do that?

  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    He had a consultation that told him that i was relying on him too much, more as a friend and not a therapist...

    That yes, the interventions were needed in the weaker state - but I needed something to get us out of the rut and prompt change...

    It hurts though - he said he would be there for me, and he has -

    He thinks I am strong enough and resilient enough to move forward - but it is devastating!!!

    The flashbacks are much less - but his seeming abandonment has sent me into wanting to die again...

    He said that the appointment slot would be there - he would be ther at the alotted times to work through whatever I needed... I can't think right now - want to dissappear

    I have to shut down the feeling pieces and only use the functioning ones.... But then I can't feel the joy when I hold my grandson....

    Can't deal with the pain though...

    Life sucks!
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I feel for you.

    I can completely understand the shock and needing to repress the parts that were reaching out to him.

    Do you have parts that could look after the ones needing lots of care/attention?- because I empathise with the suffering you're going through. They need love not harm, isolation, violence- it's not your fault

    Wow. At least you know it isn't him but the management/supervisor.

    I wish your grandson well. It sounds like an exciting, wonderful but also very painful time you're at :hug:
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Yeah - he said that he was a bit embarrassed - that he had let it go so far - he did not want to hold me back and his consultation ... he was told he was hurting me in the long run...that I needed to either be hospitalized or be able to handle being more independent...

    Hurts - Don't know if there is any way to have some parts help the others....

    He said he cared and realized that he was in fear when he couldn't call me back, and that told him that something needed to change - He didn't want me to be in danger... But i am! Yet, I know I can wall them away in isolation and function - That is what I have done all my lif, but i was just beginning to feel, it is hard to give that up

    He has grounded me thru so many flashbacks and put them to rest.... I am stronger, but the little ones want him....
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :( I know, wow.

    If walling them away helps you survive for now, then maybe that's the way to go? It's wonderful they had your therapist to help you process and ground yourself. Maybe it's a matter of time before you can cope better by yourself with your therapists weekly appointments?

    Be gentle to yourself. Do you journal? That might help loads. Letting them speak somehow- their feelings are so so important. :hug:
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi TBEar i don't think it is fair he does this to you. You should be the one making the choices of when you are ready to seperate a bit from therapist. I too am a grandma for first time i have a grandaughter. It is your grandson that will give you the coping skills some. Just his smile and holding him will help heal your pain in your heart I think writing down everything you are feeling and then present it to your therapist will help as you are still keeping in touch with how you feel. It feels like abandonment i know but your T cares enough to try to get you stronger on your own. Call crisis i have just to talk they help me alot just by listening. I am glad you came back here to share what is going on with you and i hope you continue to vent to let the pain out here okay
    take care of you now okay do all kinds of special things just for you T is not letting you go he is trying to get you strong again he cares a great deal abt you even though you don't feel it now you will.
  9. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Yeah - I guess I just feel like such a everyone

    Oh well...

    Thanks for your responses - I needed someone to hear

    Time to put the organizer and the mommy in charge - work and kids out the door for school

    Take care:cry::cry:

    I hate life right now and wonder how I ended up having such a wonderful set of kids.....and grandson...

    Guess mommy does a pretty good job
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Congrads on the new baby and finding that his light and joy can add to yours...hope you have a good day, J
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur right you are doing a great job and your grandson will have all that great love too. Now it is time to show that care to you okay. TBear i know the pain of abandonment and of other things but you are strong inside you are I hope you are taking meds for your sadness maybe ask Doctor to increase them a bit at this time while your adjusting to being more strong on your own. Keeping busy is one coping mechanism i use as well but also taking just 10-15 min a day for you okay. Your NOT ALONE okay you can pm me anytime i will listen i am good at that. Keep holding on to your children and grandchild and allow them to help heal you as well. YOU are NOT a burden you are a godsend to your children and grandchild.