I am a new member here and I am not sure what I want to say, or where to post it. All I know is that I have the most troubling thoughts and feelings, which at times scare me and in the past have led me to starting to act on them, just to try to stop them. I don't think I want to die - well most of the time I don't, but then something seems to happen to my brain and I get engulfed by all this stuff that seems more powerful than me - like I have awareness of what I am doing, but another part of me is in control. I really don't understand what is happening to me - I have had and am having a really tough time with life at the moment and get so confused whether these thoughts mean I do want to kill myself, or whether they mean something else. Sometimes I get so down, the future just seems more and more painful for as far as I can look. But I put on my "Yes I'm fine thanks" face and no-one knows. I feel so alone with this, I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to, who can explain to me what is going on and when it might stop. Sometimes it just feels like this is how it is going to be forever.