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So confused

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I am a new member here and I am not sure what I want to say, or where to post it. All I know is that I have the most troubling thoughts and feelings, which at times scare me and in the past have led me to starting to act on them, just to try to stop them.

I don't think I want to die - well most of the time I don't, but then something seems to happen to my brain and I get engulfed by all this stuff that seems more powerful than me - like I have awareness of what I am doing, but another part of me is in control.

I really don't understand what is happening to me - I have had and am having a really tough time with life at the moment and get so confused whether these thoughts mean I do want to kill myself, or whether they mean something else.

Sometimes I get so down, the future just seems more and more painful for as far as I can look. But I put on my "Yes I'm fine thanks" face and no-one knows.

I feel so alone with this, I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to, who can explain to me what is going on and when it might stop.

Sometimes it just feels like this is how it is going to be forever.

While I can't be 100% certain, I would call what you're going through right now either a defense mechanism or a form of escapism, or both. What I am seeing is a person who isn't in the best of situations right now, and perhaps feels a little trapped by it. When we feel trapped, our adrenaline kicks in and triggers the fight or flight response. In your case, since there's no escape, the results to your mental state can be very erratic. You're all hopped up on adrenaline with no visible outlet. Therefore, your mind takes on this "altered state" feeling as those hormones work themselves out of your system.

As for the feeling down, that's only natural. There's tons of tragic news out there every day. It's hard not to see the future as looking somewhat bleak at times. Realize, however, that your future is largely your own, and guided by the choices you make. The more you own your choices, good and bad, the more in control of your life you'll feel.

Hope that helped,


Thanks z for your post. This seems logical in terms of the adrenaline and actually less scarey than thinking I am about to top myself or that I am going crazy. I guess it is just making sure I can keep myself safe when this "altered state" descends.

I don't feel much in control of my life - had a very controlling ex husband, who still has a key to my house and comes and goes and treats my home as hs own - yes east to say give me my key back, but he is so controlling and I am terrified of losing my kids.

And of course you are right, my future is my own, there is no knight in shining armour outside of fairy tales is there?
No problem, SoupDragon. Glad that it seems to have given you some perspective about the situation! I understand fully how difficult relationships can be. While not in one of my own, I've experienced enough of the good and the bad to know it's quite often mixtures of both. I hope you are able to find some peace between you and your ex. It's tough when you've had children with someone, and then things end up not working out. Suddenly, it's not just your issue anymore, but something that could affect the well-being of your children. Maybe you can gently remind him of this fact, and hope that his love for his children will help guide his behavior to a better, less controlling, place.

As for the knight in shining armor, well, I'm going to say "not so much..." As a guy, I see a lot of really messed up behavior from my gender, and far fewer behaving with any sort of decency and insight. Guys in many ways seem to be regressing a bit, leaning more on the physical solutions to problems and less on the mental. I know that they aren't ALL like this, but that does seem to be what I'm witnessing, generally speaking. So, best advice I can give you is try to wind up with someone who can engage you fully in conversation. If he can do that, he's probably got more going for him, overall.
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