So Confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wolfpack, May 17, 2012.

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  1. Wolfpack

    Wolfpack New Member

    Hi this is my first post a friend told me about this site ... turns out I really like the friend but I will get to that later.So yeah I've been feeling possibly the lowest I have ever been and I have been pretty low for 3 years and i have just made it out of school by the skin of my teeth.But getting to the point at school I met my Ex I know people say it wasn't love but I actually believe it was it felt unbelievable even 2 years later it hurts to even think about her after we broke up the only thing that could keep me calm is to smoke .she seemed perfect little did I know she was cheating on me ,lying to my face and used me for sex and money.A lot later on after we broke up a friend who had heard told me she had miscarried our child about 1 year into our 3 year relationship that I knew nothing about ... That hit me like a bullet.I went home and self-harmed but all I could think about is what i did wrong and couldn't stop thinking about her my brain was trying to process what i did i didn't get it i done everything i could with her to make her happy and am not good enough ? Then i though how she attempted suicide and how i didn't read the signs.After that day i could forgive my self I attempted suicide twice the first time i failed and the second time i was caught by my parents.But anyway years later it dwells in the back of my mind to this day .But after that found out 3 months before she had the miscarriage she cheated on me with her current boyfriend so it might not be mine ...but anyway this is getting long .Okay long story short is people judge me i can find friends and i always wear my heart on my sleeve I really cant talk to people i always freeze up or get scared and while people i like fancy i freeze up completely (cant speak to them or think ect ect).This has happened a lot of time cause i realised they have already judged me on:My skin colour ,my looks,my height ,my build ,the music i listen to . And there you go I'm judged because I am a different skin colour , tall , naturally built and because I listen to metal/heavy metal.But yes people judging me has put my confidence down a lot but I started talking to someone who has been through what I've been through seemed like they cared and helped me turns out I like her now.She is going through her own trouble so I know there no point in making it complicated.But anyway i was meant to keep this short...I'm giving my life story here :l .Anyway I just miss the old times how easy it was but I didn't even see it was.and it has got me down but I keep trying not to attempt suicide again because I think I really like her but I seem to be always alone and I don't think its ever going to change and the good and easy part of life seems to of gone so it will just get worse right? I feel like such a idiot writing this at the moment. If I was to cut off the rest of the world i meant my life would be perfect I get any item I want and born into a well off family but money cant by happiness if your heart is always lost to someone you will never have.
    p.s sorry for wasting you time if you have read this .It doesn't seem like a lot or may not make sense to you but for me I am seriously one of those people who needs someone to trust friend or lover...*Edit*I forget to mention I'm not sure if its just my mind but I sometimes here myself arguing in my head and I cant get it to shut up it is really hard to describe sorry.
    Thanks for reading
    "You never get what you get .No?"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2012
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome here. We care, we're not judgmental, and you can write almost anything you need to (see the FAQ)

    There are a lot of people here who can identify with you. We try to support and encourage each other.

    You're in a good place here.
     
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Welcome, fellow wolf fan. :biggrin:

    I'm sorry about the situation with your ex, that sounds bad. I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, but I do know what it feels like to be lied to and cheated on. I've also experienced the same problem of freezing up sometimes when talking to people that I don't know, but I'm getting much better with that as I get older. A lot of people here can probably relate to some of what you're going through. And yes, I have also argued with myself in my head before. Most of us are here because we have problems and issues that we're trying to sort out, and sometimes talking about it is the best way to deal with it.

    Don't worry about your posts being too long, I'm pretty notorious for leaving long posts myself (not just here, as I'm relatively new here; I do it everywhere). I thought for sure they would kick me out for typing too much, but they haven't, so you're safe.
     
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