So dirty you can't touch it!!!!!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by non-existent, Oct 12, 2010.

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  1. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    Some time ago I liked seeing my blood... In fact I loved it and I cannot understand that anymore...

    It is... dirty. Poisoned with the things I've done. Ugly. I feel disgusted. Could just keep myself from throwing the bloody blade against the white wall out of senseless rage.

    My best friend told me my blood was beautiful and he'd do anything to touch or even drink it and what concerns me I know it looks completely normal and is normal so it must be as good as other people's but .... it is mine it is as dirty as anything I start to hate it!!!! It's so disgusting!!!!!

    Want to get out of myself. Ugly dirty worthless thing!!!! You earn to live in that thing for years still!!!!

    I used to beat that thing daily several times for more than 11 years and it had never been enough it has gotten more and more until I was completely black and blue. I even planned it. Last times with a coat hanger (wood, heavy) or a rolling pin (from marble). I'm freaking out of rage but can't do that for people will see it. Sometimes feel to disgusted of that thing called me I need to see how much I hurt her so there is no "a little bit".
    And sometimes I'm too much disgusted to move so I'm even to disgusted to beat the shit out of that girl.

    I used to stand under cold water until I was too much cooled down to feel anything anymore... Which was relieving but 1. this thing is to ugly to look at and 2. does not earn relief!!!

    I would so much like to do some burns and yes I like the scars of it but don't want that people find that out... Besides it has to be 3rd degree burn to be satisfying, and I can't afford any infections right now..

    Besides that piece of dirt does not earn anything good!!!!!!!! Oh how much I would wish to beat that thing up at least I won't have to touch her but people will see it...
     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hi non existent, i was wondering what makes you think your blood is dirty? blood is just a part of our body, perhaps u feel its poisoned with the things you've done, but blood is just blood. I think that perhaps u feel your blood is disgusting because u've been hurting yourself for too long and now your brain is trying to keep you away from it.
    Sweety the best thing u can do when you feel the urge is to go out for a run. Run, do heavy exercise, is the best thing u can do, you will feel your body Purified and the urge reduced big time.

    Hun we\re here, talk to us! tell us more.! relief yourself here
     
  3. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    Thank you for your answer Jane_Doe....

    What makes me think my blood is dirty, ugly, disgusting, poisoned? The things I've done... Usually I think blood is very beautiful. When I was still doing a lot of fotographing (of anything) I even worked with blood in some of my pictures.

    It's just what I've done... It's so terrible I can't imagine me having been that and I haven't improved.... Besides, behaving better or being good for decades couldn't make up for that...

    It's so terrible I wish I could die.. There's no way to undo it.. It makes me the worst person in the world... I want to set myself on fire but can't do so... My parents wouldn't stand that..

    So it's no even sentence enough to live with what I have done.... There will be no right sentence in the world....

    I wanted to kill myself emotionally but I don't earn not to feel the pain from what I have done anymore...
    There's no way no way and I earn it no I earn worse...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2010
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