So done with this...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xxRedTearsxx, Sep 27, 2013.

  1. xxRedTearsxx

    xxRedTearsxx Member

    I am SO sick and tired of fighting these thoughts!! Its like, they won't stop!!!! Constantly running through my head, spinning around. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, I see death. Can't get it out of mind. I don't want to do this anymore. I've come so far, but to stack homicidal thoughts on top of all the crap I've been through?? I just can't deal. I don't even know where they come from or why I have them. And I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend tonight, and I waited and waited, from 3:45 to 7:30, until she called and told me we couldn't go out cuz she had a really bad day. She gave me a ride home, thank God, and she apoogized over and over, and I said I understand (which I do) and that its fine...but it's not fine. I'm not fine. I feel forgotten. And abandoned. I feel like an after-thought. What the hell? I need somebody!! Does anybody care?! Didn't think so. No one has any answers for me. No one can help me. I'm alone. Alone in this fight...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You don't have to be alone many of us have thoughts like yours we fight Have you talked to a professional about these thoughts asked for help to stop them
    You have to just acknowledge them as that just thoughts and let it go through you ok say oh dam there is that thought again then get on with something else ok
    you keep posting here but also you need to talk to your doctor maybe get meds changed up a bit You are not alone hun so keep reaching out ok
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am SO sorry, Of course that person treated you badly. Probably in her mind she wasnt disrespecting you at all. It may be the way she lives her life. But it was totally inconsiderate as far as I am concerned. I am very sorry she treats people like that. I think your feelings are appropriate. Even though I bet she does this kind of thing to other people also. I cannot imagine treating another human like that. :hug:

    As far as the thoughts are concerned, that sure does sound very difficult to live with. I am sorry. I agree with what total eclipse suggested. Please keep posting here, at sf. In as many places as you want. As often as you want. And can you call your doctor? Are you on meds now? Sending a :hug: for you
     
  4. xxRedTearsxx

    xxRedTearsxx Member

    I am on meds, and they just perscribed me a new med for the homicidal thoughts. I hope they go away soon, because I find myself thinking of suicide and cutting again. And I don't want to go back there. That's a bad, bad place for me to be. I'm feeling a little better tonight. It just bothers me that no one seems to have a good answer to why I have these thoughts. Is it psychotic thoughts from my borderline? I can talk and talk all I want to my friends, but they can't really help me. And I guess I don't expect them to. Because I know they can't. I think I just wished they could, ya know?
     
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    people forgetting arrangements- ugh
    what flowers says, i second:

    and it's pushing you over the edge on top of everything?
    chin up, we're here for you
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    So Glad you are on meds. I hope they take effect very soon. so you do not have to live this way. I am sure it is very upsetting, to say the least. I am no expert to be sure. But I think you may be right that it is from the "Borderline". Just hold on and give the pills a chance to work. Those thoughts are not your thoughts. So please do not blame yourself for having them. Okay? I know it must be frighting to have the thoughts. But please do not take your life because of them. And I do hope you can find a way to resist self injuring. Although I know that everything is so awrful right now for you.

    Your friends may not be able to understand. But you have found a community where many people will understand. :hug: I wish there were people irl who you could talk with. But you now do have this community. Post as much as you need to. And if you want to try it, there is the chat area. Some people like it. Others dont. Sending one more of these :hug: and one of these :arms: