Rationally, I would like to kill myself. I have an almost foolproof method. Not messy either. The problem is that when I just think about it I don't feel the determination in my soul that I imagine would be needed to actually go through with the act. Every night I review the plan in my head hoping that mental rehearsal will improve my will to go through with it. I seem to be creeping in that direction, I how the resolve comes soon. Lots of insurance money would be a huge help to those I leave behind, would in fact, remove a major source of conflict and worry. They would consider it blood money until they began to spend it.