so empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by trux, Feb 19, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I want to die. Lately this feeling has been getting stronger and stronger, and now I don't see how it could ever go away. I feel like I'm never going to be happy, that I'll have to suffer my whole life, and that I'll never be able to live it.
    I've had so many problems when I was younger than I thought I had got enough for my whole life. But they just keep coming, this is never going to end...

    I've always been shy, and that's one of the reasons why I've never been good at making friends. I don't have any friend. When I think about who would be with me in tough moments, I see no one.

    I was a normal boy before, until around 10. Then everything went wrong. No need to give you the details, so I'm just gonna list the consequences : people have been making fun of me for 8 years, I'm ugly (oh don't tell me that's what I think, cause that's what everybody keeps telling me in every possible way), everyone avoids me, I've never had any girlfriend and probably never will, I can't put my shirt off (no I'm not fat, it's something much much more horrible than this), my parents don't believe in me, people think I'm weird, and I want to kill myself.

    I don't understand why people are so mean, and why I feel so different, alone. I've never hurted anyone, either physically or psychologically, not even those who made me suffer the most. All the mockeries have affected me deeply, and I now find myself being touchy about everything.

    I don't have any motivation anymore, I just want to give up. To go far away. I wish I could just go back to when I was younger, and start again. I've wasted my youth, as I'm going to waste the rest of my life. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this, I'm gonna be told to be strong and not to give up, that it will eventually get better. I don't believe it, how could that help me anyhow. I don't believe in anything, so no need to tell me about God either. I guess I just need to rest.

    ps : don't mind the lack of structure, nor the grammar, as english isn't my first language. why would i care anyway
  2. zetaf

    zetaf Well-Known Member

    Reading your post was like reciting my own thoughts aloud.

    I am in the same situation. I have been suffering for nearly the same time span and have lost my opportunities to enjoy a normal lifestyle because of medical problems and anxiety/negative reinforcement tactics I've used to avoid the anxiety. I have also never really had a girlfriend. I am 20. I feel ugly and ... I'm guessing you have some acne problems or a skin disease? Well me too... severely.

    I always avoided social situations throughout high school because I was pretty much a foot shorter or more than most of the other students my age and I was on a drug that didn't allow me to go through puberty until senior year (it really hurt my social development)... Now I'm slowly wasting away from complications caused by this drug and it hurts emotionally and physically. I became an alcoholic (among other things) to escape my problems. This only hurt my health and damaged my relationships with the last few people who accepted me. It has also made it nearly impossible to develop as a person behind all the abuse. It feels like I can't regain the self confidence I once had as a kid.

    You aren't alone in your suffering man. Maybe this doesn't help so much... but I think I understand your situation and I sympathize with you. Regardless of your outward appearance and personality, deep down I guarantee you're an interesting person with a lot to offer. If we can find a way to show others this, we might just recover.
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I read your post, and i feel exactly the same. Yes, im ugly, im lonely, i understand you how you feel, i feel the same. I have some friends, i dont have a gf, probably i never will. So i cant see a point to continue with my life, but someway, im still here. So if you want you can add me to your msn, and we can chat. Perhaps we can share some thoughts, and we can understand each other, because, others who are not like us, they cant understand our pain completely.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2009
  4. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    Indeed I have a skin disease, but I'm not giving you the name because you would make nightmares if you looked it up on google.
    The difference with you is I had a precocious puberty at the age of 10. So I wasn't a foot shorter but rather a foot taller, and the only one with a lot of acne, a deep voice, ... .
    But it seems to have had the same effects on both of us. I'm 18 now.

    For some reason I've never felt the need to drink/use drugs. Until not so long ago I managed to accept my situation...well I wasn't accepting it, but I was getting so used to it that I didn't even think about the fact that it could get better, so in a way I was getting by (damn I hate feeling like I can't express myself, there are so much things I need to say but I never seem to find the right words...)

    Then there is that girl I met a few months ago, and I'm starting to think this is one of the main reasons why I'm feeling so bad right now. Of course she doesn't love me, I didn't expect her to anyway, but lately she has started to avoid me aswell, just like everyone else, and that feels terribly awul.

    Also I believe the fact we have such a low self-esteem is what's affecting us so much. The problems are there aswell, but they won't go away if we don't manage to start believing in ourselves.
  5. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    @touglytobeloved : I'm going to add you, it feels reassuring to know I can at least talk about those things to other people than myself. I never told those things to anyone before.

    Just one thing : from my experience it's not a good idea posting your email address in public...well unless you like spam, lots of it
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.