So exhausted

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, May 24, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Whats new with all of that, you ask?

    Nothing really. A tough day today, back to reality courtesy of doctors. Finding out more information that we should have known a while back. Being handled dismissively which of course got my back up. Who do they think they are? This is people's lives they are dealing with, compassion and understanding would go a long way. Not to feel rushed, as though the questions asked are simply wasting their time.

    Thinking on asking for copies of all scan reports myself.

    Maybe I'm grasping at straws rather than wishing to face reality here? Perhaps my anger at them is inappropriate?

    And one of my own tests came back with levels of something off, which is good I suppose in that it can be treated. Its just something else to add to the pile.

    I do okay for a day or two or half a day etc., and then more stuff happens which just puts me back to square one. Am completely frustrated with things.

    Am scared too, energy levels are dropping a bit which isn't good. Will have to see how new treatment goes and if it helps or makes the quality of life worse. Everyone says over and over to live for today. All I can think of is being there as they die.

    The nightmares have started up again, mind is too busy trying to sort out my life for me. Funny that.

    I feel as though I am letting them down, my frustrations are not their fault. Their reactions and words to me aren't really them speaking. There are too many outside factors ripping the "us" apart, well whats left of us anyhow.

    Am very lonely going through this, its hard to admit, but there we go.

    Am having huge difficulties controlling my emotions and reactions to things. I am tending to completely fly off the handle which is just not appropriate nor helpful. I feel like a complete shit for acting the way I do at times, its as though its not me reacting. Its odd to explain. Perhaps its the only way I know how to deal with things going on currently? I need to try and control the anger, not to hurt myself.

    Easier said than done. I don't know quite how to get a grip on things right now.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2011
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, I'm thinking of you. I don't know what else to say atm. :hug:
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Its ok Acy, but thank you for thinking of me. You take care.
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Doctors are very good at making us feel worse instead of better ! Im sorry that its so bad for you. I know i say that alot but i genuinely mean it from the bottom of my heart. I hope you get the best possible answer you can get for them. You are perfectly entitled to feel angry. I am thinking of you. xxx
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, too, Shadowgirl

    I think its not healthy to be this angry, as much as I am, too. Its anger at a lot of things. Its all a bit stupid.

    Please take care of you too.
  7. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    dont feel bad for aything are dealing with a double whammy in a short space of time. neither of you have had time to mentally adjust..and when things move so fast you cant keep up and it just throws you off balance. you cant control your fears and emotions and when you are tired...its doubly worse. i can only repeat again what my Alc therapist said yesterday, that altho she was concerned with alc consumption, she was also concerned that now is not the right time for her to intervene due to my mental state, hence the acupuncture. so maybe that is an option for you. the point is that sometimes you coping levels get so cant cope with anything else. just remember its not your fault :hug:
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    OF COURSE its my fault.

    It always is.

    If I do or I don't, its on my shoulders.


    No one else involved or to blame.

    And soon no one else to worry about and no one left who would give a rats.

    I need to do something, right now. Fuck it.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I apologize to you all.
  10. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    What are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything wrong. :hug:
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    For wasting everyone's time and energy.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid.

    A selfish, uncompassionate, ignoramus of a person. I deserve the life I've lived. And now, if unwilling to change and be courageous then I deserve my future too. Am I willing to take a risk for the possibility of future contentment? We have been extraordinarily lucky to be given life - at what point will I live it or will I instead squander the rest away, if indeed I get that far?
  12. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    its not a waste of someones time and energy to stop and ask a friend if they are having a bad day. Done be so hard on yourself. xxx
  13. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Dealing with doctors is not easy.most of them dont agree on the same treatments.its hard.
    You shouldnt be sorry.just try take that bath.what cheers me up is some nice lotions and shower gels.even ten minutes mousturise and smell good.know you take care of yourself
    Spend.some time on your hair.sounds silly but it does cheer you up.
    Watch something funny.check out some fav songs on you tube.
    I dont know about meds? Try get something to calm the thoughts.
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks starryeyed & shadowgirl

    I'm consciously trying to look after myself, its a little difficult to do currently.

    And here I sit at 3:30am and need to get up in four hours. This type of stuff is wearing me down .

    Just a bit sad tonight.

    You both take care.
  15. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Hope you feel better today
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Lost, scared, quite alone.

    Angry, tearful, sad.

    Tired of always appearing strong.

    Tired of trying to reach out and have nothing given back.

    Tired of trying to trust but always being taken advantage of.

    Just over feeling this way.
  17. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    You say you are trying to look after yourself. hmmm

    I have an idea. I have decided to start a challenge for myself. If you would like you are welcome to do this challenge with me. I put this as my Facebook status and I am going to do this each morning.

    "The person we often see in the mirror has the most judgmental eyes staring at them. Sometimes we become so judgmental of that reflection we forget that person needs encouragement from the one who has the most influence. The next time we begin to harshly judge that reflection, pause and spend a few seconds on an encouraging compliment. You might find it will put a smile on their face."

    I plan on doing that and seeing if it works. I have no idea if it will but you are welcome to try also. :) :hug:
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    That is a good statement and a great way to start your day. We do tend to judge ourselves most harshly, it takes a lot of work and time to actually love oneself and many of us may never get there unfortunately.

    Thanks for sharing, I hope it helps you.
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ugh, hate nights like tonight. Wound up like a spring. Worried, scared and pondering the future. That's a scary thought. Don't know... All is blank. Mind won't shut off, thoughts racing. So crazy, too late and I feel wrecked yet can't relax. All nonsense.
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Am not sure why I bother posting. I'm tired of doing it, you're all tired of seeing it. Same $hit, different day.

    Have spent the evening/night wondering about my life, reflecting.
    am unsure where I go from here. Wounded and torn apart.

    No real vent, just another day in my mind. :cry: