Whats new with all of that, you ask? Nothing really. A tough day today, back to reality courtesy of doctors. Finding out more information that we should have known a while back. Being handled dismissively which of course got my back up. Who do they think they are? This is people's lives they are dealing with, compassion and understanding would go a long way. Not to feel rushed, as though the questions asked are simply wasting their time. Thinking on asking for copies of all scan reports myself. Maybe I'm grasping at straws rather than wishing to face reality here? Perhaps my anger at them is inappropriate? And one of my own tests came back with levels of something off, which is good I suppose in that it can be treated. Its just something else to add to the pile. I do okay for a day or two or half a day etc., and then more stuff happens which just puts me back to square one. Am completely frustrated with things. Am scared too, energy levels are dropping a bit which isn't good. Will have to see how new treatment goes and if it helps or makes the quality of life worse. Everyone says over and over to live for today. All I can think of is being there as they die. The nightmares have started up again, mind is too busy trying to sort out my life for me. Funny that. I feel as though I am letting them down, my frustrations are not their fault. Their reactions and words to me aren't really them speaking. There are too many outside factors ripping the "us" apart, well whats left of us anyhow. Am very lonely going through this, its hard to admit, but there we go. Am having huge difficulties controlling my emotions and reactions to things. I am tending to completely fly off the handle which is just not appropriate nor helpful. I feel like a complete shit for acting the way I do at times, its as though its not me reacting. Its odd to explain. Perhaps its the only way I know how to deal with things going on currently? I need to try and control the anger, not to hurt myself. Easier said than done. I don't know quite how to get a grip on things right now.