So f*cking confused

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songie, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I dont know what i am thinking right now. I dont know what I'm feeling. I guess I'll start at the beginning. Me and my girlfriend have been dating on and off since i was in the 8th grade (i'm in the 11th right now). And...we broke up for 10 months (we got back together in June). we broke up because i had sex with a guy. I know that may seem wrong to you, because it IS cheating. wasnt like that. Awhile back I had gotten pregnant (how that happened is a whole different story that belongs in the rape section) and i lost the baby. To some people that probably seems like a good thing, because I'm so young. But...that baby was a part of me. Im sure that any mothers out there can understand that. And so i really wanted one after that, despite how it would affect my life. she told me that i could have sex with a guy to get pregant, if i wanted to. And so I did...and she left me over it (which i think is a little f*cked up, but that's not the point). So, when we got back together, we both promised that we wouldn't keep anything from eachother. Because, even if we had permission to do it, it causes serious issues between us. About a week ago, i wanted her to come to my house and she/her parents said that she couldnt because her dad had a strange bump under his eye and they wanted her here. I didnt find this very strange because her parents are weird like that...although it did seem a bit off to me. So, a few days later i asked again and they said she couldnt because she had to be at home to sign for a package thing, because they werent going to be here. Finally, a few days later, she fessed up and said that she had lied because she didnt want to come over. She said that she didnt like my family, or my house. I asked her why she didnt just tell me that, and she said that she was terrified of my anger. That really hurt me. Partially because she lied, and partially because she said she was terrified my anger. She also explained, a few days later, that she wasnt afraid of me hurting her or anything, but she didnt really explain it either. So...she lied to me. And i still dont understand why she would do that. I cried for an hour on the phone with her and i finally started understand why she wouldnt like it over there (its my Uncle's fault...damn him). And then i finally got some things through her head,she got some things through mine and she came over and it was all okay. We went back to our original agreement not to hide things from eachother. And then a little while ago we were talking about this girl we both know that she used to be friends with. This girl (who i will call "J") made her feel extremely bad about herself and was an all-around b*tch. I asked her what she would do if she saw her again. She said that she would tell her that she didnt want to be around her because of the things she had said and done. Less than 30 minutes after we talked about this, J showed up. I didnt really know what was going to happen, because they went out onto the porch to talk. But they talked and laughed and the last thing i heard when they seperated was J saying "love you" and my girlfriend say "love you too". I'm not worried that she's cheating on me or anything. But...she lied again. And i dont really know how i should feel about this. I mean, in a way, i know that i should be happy that they are getting along. But...they always get along until J says her b*tchy remarks and makes my girlfriend feel bad about herself (and she has enough self-esteem problems as it is). I dont know what I should do...or what i should think...or what i should feel...its emotions are a big ball of anger, hurt and confusion.And some other things that I cant even identify.......