I really feel as though the only reason I'm still breathing is for my family and friend. I have seen what suicide does to other people and I hate the thought of my younger siblings crying over my casket. Or for them to start contemplating suicide because I did it. I am just so lost and alone. It started when I found my best friend <Mod Edit Graphic/Method> on the ground beside him. Ever since I have been so angry. He suffered from depression which was made worse by the seasons but me and shay were always there for him. Two days before he died he did something that I refused to forgive him for and I got my retribution by telling him to cut ties with me and as far as I was concerned he was dead to me. I then topped it off by removing shay from his life as well. The last time I saw him I saw the sorrow in his eyes, he begged for me to just talk and that he needed someone but I remained unwaivered. Everyone tells me not to blame myself and that his death was his choice, to an extent they are right, but I know that I own part of that responsibility for pushing him away when he was at his worst. Ever since then I have had everything from full ride scholarships to six figure job offers and I have ruined them all. At first it was dumb and young type mistakes. But now I feel like I am just pushing away every ounce of hope on my life so that leaving this world be easier. The root of my depression used to be his death, when that was all it was I could push these thoughts to the back of my head. But now every choice I've made and action I've taken is why my thoughts are dark. I am alone, hopeless, and logical. I can't contiously make an emotional decision.