So far gone: My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sofargone, Dec 13, 2014.

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  1. sofargone

    sofargone New Member

    I really feel as though the only reason I'm still breathing is for my family and friend. I have seen what suicide does to other people and I hate the thought of my younger siblings crying over my casket. Or for them to start contemplating suicide because I did it. I am just so lost and alone.

    It started when I found my best friend <Mod Edit Graphic/Method> on the ground beside him. Ever since I have been so angry. He suffered from depression which was made worse by the seasons but me and shay were always there for him. Two days before he died he did something that I refused to forgive him for and I got my retribution by telling him to cut ties with me and as far as I was concerned he was dead to me. I then topped it off by removing shay from his life as well. The last time I saw him I saw the sorrow in his eyes, he begged for me to just talk and that he needed someone but I remained unwaivered. Everyone tells me not to blame myself and that his death was his choice, to an extent they are right, but I know that I own part of that responsibility for pushing him away when he was at his worst.

    Ever since then I have had everything from full ride scholarships to six figure job offers and I have ruined them all. At first it was dumb and young type mistakes. But now I feel like I am just pushing away every ounce of hope on my life so that leaving this world be easier.

    The root of my depression used to be his death, when that was all it was I could push these thoughts to the back of my head. But now every choice I've made and action I've taken is why my thoughts are dark. I am alone, hopeless, and logical. I can't contiously make an emotional decision.
     
  2. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    Family and friends are a good reason to stick around. Never forget how blessed you are to have people who love you and who you love in return. You have so many reasons left to live, I think, if you have to be destroying them to make dying easier.

    You aren't responsible for his death. You know that it takes more than one failed relationship for somebody to convince themselves that their life isn't worth living. People like us are the results of many, many little drops in a cup. One little drop at a time we get closer to the point where we feel we can't take it anymore. There are so many reasons why he ended your life, and while the pain caused by losing you may be one, it is one of many, and you are certainly not to blame. It was his choice.

    Don't try to push the bad stuff into a corner. It's there, and so you must address it. The more you try to run from what you feel the worse it will be when it all finally catches up to you.
     
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