So fed up with this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ace, May 3, 2011.

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  1. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I've had a gutful completely you keep trying and nothing changes,I've had enough of everything the conditions/illnesses/diseases whatever you want to call them.I can't stand this anymore I don't know why I haven't built up the courage to end this anymore.Hopefully I can do this I'm so tired of all this constant pain everyday it's a pointless existance.The nights are the best time to go I know I can't keep on saying another night gone and just not do it anymore.Who knows tonight may just be the right time to go.
     
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I hope that tonight is not your time, I hope that you keep putting up the fight to keep going, to find the answers to all these questions.

    I do understand how you feel, its disgusting to keep thinking about it for me, brings on anger, but for me its just being fed up with the disease not the fight, there are tons of things that I havent done or tried. Most days Im to drained but then a day comes around and I give it my all and it seems to work out, sometimes going with the flow is easier than the fight, give yourself a break, gain your strength back and start all over again.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep fighting Ace okay i know it is hard but one day a door will open that will help hugs
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Don't leave us ace, we've been with you the whole way and we're still here. stay strong, pm me if you think it would help x
     
  5. R Wolf

    R Wolf Member

    It’s not about the people you know right know, think about the people you will meet, maybe someone will change your world forever, but if you quit now you will never know what would happened.

    Think about this like a movie, maybe the part right now that you are watching have many suffering and you don’t like it, but if you stop watching it you will never know the ending, maybe it has an incredible happy ending later because something changes.
     
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone again for your kind support,words,care etc etc.I'm finding it so hard to go on I feel kind of scared it never stops I feel good for a matter of seconds then bang I'm depressed as hell in no time.The night is so scary for me the temptation is so much each night I feel it's the one.I'm trying so hard but I don't know what to do anymore I really don't:sad::sad::sad:.
     
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Ace, Can you change your routine around, maybe a part time night job, or use that time to clean the house. Business has alot to do with keeping us sane. I hope that you continue to fight and find strength in you to keep going.

    Hugs
     
  8. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hope you feeling a little easier today ace...and agree with above suggestions. i think nights are worse because of the quiet and the dark, that seems to have some effect...maybe play some upbeat music, clean house as another poster said...call a crisis line..do anything to distract yourself, and of course you have everyone here. give yourself a break. :hug:
     
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your responses nights have become worse I think because I'm in a cold house and have no access to a car at the moment.My motivation and Interest levels are so shockingly down.I don't have any desire to want to do anything,I try to listen to music,put a favourite tv program on but nothing works really.I've always wanted to return to work I'll even work for free I don't care like I have done many times in the past.

    I miss my old job so much that I had to stop because of the breakdown I had,my Dr said when the time is right he'll help and do what he can to approach them in giving my old job back.The hardest thing has been being so low and suicidal and struggling badly with my other illnesses OCD,BDD and anxiety.Really I'm so messed up badly I don't think there is any other person as fucked up as me in the world.

    I just don't know what to do anymore the days are so scary now just as much as the nights,the not knowing or maube knowing I'm in for another hell of a day/night.I'm trying hard to battle against everything I just don't know at the moment,last night I put my alarm on as usual that I was going to really attempt but I didn't and ended up falling asleep.Maybe lucky or not that I took the Seroquel to try and sleep that it got me through to daylight again.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep taking your meds as prescribed Ace that is w hat they are there for to help you Maybe getting your old job back and working only 4 hours a day would help you Keep you busy and stop the ruminating some
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ace, I'm just the opposite.. I freak out during the day.. Nights aren't so bad..I also hate when there is no one home at night.. I don't sleep so good..I usually sleep during the day to get thru it with out my anxiety kicking my ass..I hope you are able to hold on.. Keep talking to us.. You've been strong for so long so I know you are petered out.. You just have to keep pushing your way thru it all..
     
  12. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks once again TE&Joseph it's night time here and it gets very tempting to attempt something.As much as I've been trying to think positive it's not really happening.TE I've been wondering about doing my old job I've been struggling like hell with motivational and interest problems it's very bad.I really don't know how to keep on going anymore it's so hard now,especially seeing everyone succeeding with their lives and being happy doing well and me feeling well just being a bum.
     
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    does volunteering sound like something you could do till you can work again?
    you're doing an amazing job fighting this illness ace..keep it up ok
     
  14. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    lack of motivation and interest is a hard thing to over come, but you shouldnt feel guilty about it. you will do what you have to do when ready. as previous poster said...how about a bit of voluntary work to see how you cope. not sure going straight back to work after a breakdown would be doing you any favours, so at least if you did a bit of voluntary you can judge how you cope in real life. we all know its hard to keep fighting, but somehow we do, there is no magic solution, but at least one thing you can count on is the support here, till you feel strong enough. dont give up. :hug:
     
  15. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Ace - dude, there are people who are so fu**** up that they make you look like just another normal guy, maybe going through a bad time.

    Sure, its no use me giving worse cases for you to feel better about yourself over. It does not work like that - and for me, my understanding is that the pain we can feel CAN feel like the worse in the world. Depression is a real nasty thing to have.

    You feel like your the most screwed up man here - but I feel it - and other men looking in will be thinking 'screw you two - I'm more screwed up than you both together.'

    On and on it goes - someone else looking in will see our problems as enviable and state that they are more screwed up than three of us put together'

    We could all meet up with axes in a field somewhere - show each other how really fu**** up we are. But, I'm guessing that you would not want to meet up with axes and nor would most men. We may have issues, sure we have, but our conditions are not something that make us dangerous to anyone but ourselves. I'm sure your a gentleman Ace - you'd not want to put obstacles in other people's ways. Your a decent guy - but your perception of yourself due to the depression means you really put yourself down bro. I bet you let those negative voices sing the blues to you sometimes and just agree. That is what we gotta fight!

    If I had the money and said I'd pay for us all to meet up in Amsterdam, and we could all get high as a kite in the safety of Europe - maybe some would say 'count me in'.

    Shame I'm pretty poor! But If I ever won the lotto (if I ever played it) I'd charter a flight no problem.

    Everyone is fu**** up in there own way Ace. We all have failings but most ate things we accept and not let get us too down. I know your life is no picnic right now - but even that position you have would seem great for billions in the world who don't have basic health care, let alone any help for depression.

    Same for me - I ruminate too much, you do also - many others are too busy ruminating now to read this!

    I never used to take meds - but I'm taking that seriously now and have my diary. Not much of a diary though - I'm just keeping track of my meds and how I feel, how much sleep, whether I went out and done anything - mostly summed up in three word sentences such as feel bad today or felt OK today. Real in depth stuff, lol. But that's me opening up.

    As for the worry you have - you know its worry that you don't need. The only good worry we have is the worry over our own health. At least we can act upon this and eat healthy foods and try to get some exercise.

    Also, you got to have some hope in life - this is were it difficult for some folk especially with depression. That said, I think its entirely possible to overcome the process by which we 'allow' the negativity to gain a hold in the first place.

    I try to surround myself with creative things to do. I know that not working is a big factor also as when I'm not creating something or working on some project I feel pretty useless.

    Anyhow Ace. enough of me crying the blues - I guess we just have to hope things change for the better. Life always changes - that is for sure - so hang on in there and you can be there when it happens for you.

    Good luck brother!
     
  16. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear peacelovingguy,Icequeen and IV thanks so much for your replies they're very much appreciated.Yeh it is very hard when you see people going about their lives and you feel you're so stuck and just doing nothing.I can see how my conditions cripple me so much though I try to fight against them as much as I can.I've had to deal with alot of cruel comments by people some family and some friends as well.

    IV I suppose I could do voluntary work somewhere,I even feel like saying to my old job I'll come in everyday and work all day long for free.But I really wonder how and if I could cope with that for now.I just want some normality in my life I hate having depression like we all do,I hate having OCD I hate having BDD even the anxiety but I can deal with that.Yeh the motivation and lack of Interest are really big obstacles for me.

    I'm having alot of ongoing therapy I'm doing what I can to follow it and take it on board.My concentration levels are very poor as well in saying that when I have my sessions I do the best I can I feel to follow instructions.PLG I follow what you're saying dude in your post yeh in my brain/head I suppose I feel so twisted,I just want to get better and not exist as I have been like I have for so many years now.

    So I saw my Dr yesterday and we spoke about quite a few things,after the visit I felt not so bad the problem is later on that I start to feel rotten again.Or really when the depression and the other conditions start to settle back in again.So I'm finding myself trying to fight against this rotten mood,the OCD etc and damn it's so hard.The BDD is so rotten unless I can get my depression lifted at least I am so screwed.Anyway my Dr did reassure me as always when the time is right and I'm much better he'll do what he can to help me to return to my old job.

    So at the moment I'm in a state of confusion alot going on in my head but unsure of what to do really.I have quite a few decisions to make it seems like the same old record playing over and over again.
     
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