Hey Ace - dude, there are people who are so fu**** up that they make you look like just another normal guy, maybe going through a bad time.
Sure, its no use me giving worse cases for you to feel better about yourself over. It does not work like that - and for me, my understanding is that the pain we can feel CAN feel like the worse in the world. Depression is a real nasty thing to have.
You feel like your the most screwed up man here - but I feel it - and other men looking in will be thinking 'screw you two - I'm more screwed up than you both together.'
On and on it goes - someone else looking in will see our problems as enviable and state that they are more screwed up than three of us put together'
We could all meet up with axes in a field somewhere - show each other how really fu**** up we are. But, I'm guessing that you would not want to meet up with axes and nor would most men. We may have issues, sure we have, but our conditions are not something that make us dangerous to anyone but ourselves. I'm sure your a gentleman Ace - you'd not want to put obstacles in other people's ways. Your a decent guy - but your perception of yourself due to the depression means you really put yourself down bro. I bet you let those negative voices sing the blues to you sometimes and just agree. That is what we gotta fight!
If I had the money and said I'd pay for us all to meet up in Amsterdam, and we could all get high as a kite in the safety of Europe - maybe some would say 'count me in'.
Shame I'm pretty poor! But If I ever won the lotto (if I ever played it) I'd charter a flight no problem.
Everyone is fu**** up in there own way Ace. We all have failings but most ate things we accept and not let get us too down. I know your life is no picnic right now - but even that position you have would seem great for billions in the world who don't have basic health care, let alone any help for depression.
Same for me - I ruminate too much, you do also - many others are too busy ruminating now to read this!
I never used to take meds - but I'm taking that seriously now and have my diary. Not much of a diary though - I'm just keeping track of my meds and how I feel, how much sleep, whether I went out and done anything - mostly summed up in three word sentences such as feel bad today or felt OK today. Real in depth stuff, lol. But that's me opening up.
As for the worry you have - you know its worry that you don't need. The only good worry we have is the worry over our own health. At least we can act upon this and eat healthy foods and try to get some exercise.
Also, you got to have some hope in life - this is were it difficult for some folk especially with depression. That said, I think its entirely possible to overcome the process by which we 'allow' the negativity to gain a hold in the first place.
I try to surround myself with creative things to do. I know that not working is a big factor also as when I'm not creating something or working on some project I feel pretty useless.
Anyhow Ace. enough of me crying the blues - I guess we just have to hope things change for the better. Life always changes - that is for sure - so hang on in there and you can be there when it happens for you.
Good luck brother!