So fed up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darkesthour, May 27, 2008.

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  1. darkesthour

    darkesthour New Member

    So here I am at the grand old age of 42 and everything in life is shit.

    It took me a long while to sort out my career - I went to uni got a degree, now doing a PhD, but I'm failing miserably - my thesis is due in soon and I have not even collected any data.

    I have had one relationship in all my life. Never thought I was attractive to women, but since that relationship I've noticed that women are interested - problem is I caught genital warts from her, have had them for two years, treatment has helped, but has not rid me of them, so I can't have a relationship. I tried some online STD dating sites, but most have HIV - no one with warts.

    My family treat me like dirt. My dad always told me how useless I was and beat me. My mum never gave a shit - she made sure I was fed but that was about it.

    I live with my sister and she is abusive - she does not let me cook in my own home, watch TV, clean my clothes - I know others would say I should stick up for myself, but that just causes big arguments - my sister will never compromise and wants it all her way. Also I have no motivation to do anything about it. I just want a peaceful life without arguments.

    I have no social life - most of my friends have moved on or are in relationships. The one friend I do see... well I only see him because if I didn't I wouldn't go out anywhere. Even then, I would prefer to be home alone when I am out with him.

    So what is the point? Every aspect of my life is crap. I don't see the point in continuing. I have always been an optimist, but after 42 years I start to realise that I am deluded and nothing will change, nothing good will happen in my life.

    I have tried therapy, but it was the worse experience of my life - I felt worse than ever.

    All i want to find out is if there is a quick, painless, guaranteed way of killing myself. I can no longer stand going to bed and hoping that I will not wake in the morning.
  2. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    What an accomplishment Darkest. I can't believe you are putting yourself down when you have gotten this far in your studies. I couldn't do it. Please don't do this to yourself. You deserve so much credit.

    Thank god you don't have other more serious problems Darkest. Warts can come from anything. I had them as a child and the gynocologist scared me when he told me what they were. They didn't come from sex, that's for sure. But they are not permanent. You are one of the lucky ones.

    Do you realize that the failure to love is not something that we are born with? This is not how life is supposed to be. But we must earn the truth. Unfortunately, your mother suffered from ghosts from the past. Your dad suffered also. Put the two together and you can understand why it was so difficult. Sadly, you are getting the fallout, but if you understand the reasons where you are today, you will be able to forgive yourself as well as your parents, even though it will be difficult. This will free you to be the person you were meant to be in spite of the legacy that has been passed down. You have so much to live for especially when you understand how you can change how the previous generation will affect the next generation. Please don't give up; YOU ARE IMPORTANT. It would be so sad for everyone Darkesthour, including me.

    According to the course in miracles, you don't have to fight her at all. She is also struggling, and cooking is what makes her feel important. Please forgive her, don't judge at all, and you will be rewarded because when we don't judge, people won't judge us.

    How wonderful that you still desire going out. You aren't at the point of no return where you could care less about anything. I hope you go out and enjoy Darkest. You are special to the world even if you don't see it. Please trust in who created you. You are not junk. You are important, and if anything happens to you we all will suffer.

    The point is that we are tested all the time, and we are given the strength to overcome. You are in a struggle right now. My prayer is that you overcome. You have it within you my friend.

    Therapy is not the only answer. Drugs are not the only answer. The only answer, in my opinion, is a change of attitude toward life regardless of the hand we have been dealt. You are on the right path. I believe you can win this fight. If you need a friend, I'm here. ;)
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No there isnt. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You've survived 42 years so that suggests that you are a fighter a survivor. Dont give up on those qualities please. You're just tired of fighting alone. Tired of feeling like you have to fight for everything. It's time you started being you for you and to Hell with the rest of the world. Instead of therapy could you try a support group? You get support, friendship, understanding and all at your own pace. You also have the members here to help you through this. Dont give up yet, you have so much out there to help you get that fight back again.
  4. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Itmahanh, you put this into words I couldn't. I agree with everything you said and I only can add support what you already know and are trying to express. The truth is, therapy is not the only answer. Friendship is. It's hard when we are given a bad hand of cards to deal with, but human beings are truly kind if we just give them a chance. We, the people who are strong at the moment, are compelled to love you itmahanh, which will give you the strengh to help someone else in his or her time of need. This is how life is supposed to work. Therefore, I am committed to being there for anyone who is suffering because I know they would help me if I was suffering. Nothing in life matters if this is a lie. And I know it is the most important truth we could ever believe in.
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