So freeking angry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cutiepie132, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I guess part of not dealing with things in the right way, is it's really hard for me to just ask for help. I feel like a little crybaby that can't handle anything, and then I just let myself feel bad, cause I feel like I have to ask so much, and then there comes the shame, from needing the help the start with.

    Well whatever, I wanted to overdose on Imuran the other day, really took alot out of me to talk myself out of that one. But I did.. Figured if I could get a pain shot today, go back to physical therapy, it might calm my back pain down some to the point that I am not feeling like taking my life.

    Plan in action. Needed one.

    Jesus christ, help me here..

    When I saw my doctor Monday, he wanted me to go back to councelling, because I OD'd sunday. So I tell my nasty ex-husband (I live here with him & my daughter), he says I can't go. That the wear and tear on his truck, is more important, than whether or not his daughter has her mother around, YES the MF'R knows what I did.

    So today, when I went back to the doctor, I find out he's home running off at the mouth, he tells my daughter I can't use his truck anymore to go to the doctor. I have to lie about where I was just so he'd shut his freeking mouth.

    I know we're not in a relationship or anything. But we stabalized enough of a friendship to raise our daughter together,, well that's going down hill pretty fast cause I just want to knock him one crossways in the damn head with a ballbat.

    I HATE HIS GUTS!

    I don't treat him in a bad way, I help with the bills and groceries. I do all the housework.. What the hell does he want from me? I'm getting sick and tired of his selfish ass shit..
     
  2. pbobble

    pbobble Well-Known Member

    Its sad that you are in so much pain and difficulty I hope things improve for you.

    I know the experience of feeling shame for how I feel and the help I need, yet its not our fault we feel this way, we don't want to be like this, please endeavour to seek the help you need.

    Please find a way to see your counsellor if you can I think it can be very helpful, I also hope your back pain works out.

    Your husband sounds like a real ass, perhaps there is another way to get to your doctors or counsellor? I assume there's no way for you to leave and live independently.

    Regards
     
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    It sounds like he still retains a lot of control over you, or rather wants to.

    is there a bus you could take perhaps? or a friend who could take you? taxi maybe although they are expensive.

    I hope you figure it out soon, it sounds like you have the right idea but have a few obsticals to climb.

    Take care of you xxx Amy
     
  4. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry your husband sounds like a real piece of work. Are there any counseling hotlines that you maybe able to call? Maybe you can go for a walk and talk to someone?
    I hope it gets better for you.
     
  5. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I think a bad relationship is worse than no relationship. Kids are both more perceptive and stronger than we give them credit for. Talk to your daughter. She needs to know what is going on.
     
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well please quit calling this man my husband. Your making me nauseas. Seriously..

    I could do better than that and I know I deserve better.

    The doctor I talked to today just made me sad. He was talking about how if I was his sister, or mom, or wife, or whatever, that he'd do whatever he could to make sure I went into the hospital and got the care I needed. That what I did was an obvious cry for help.

    I don't get any support. If they need me to go somewhere, or if I'm sick and don't have the housework done, or having to go to the doctor more than usual, whatever. Worthless lazy piece of crap with a meanlingless life. I've had so many nasty things said to me over being sick. My ex says it's all in my head so he has my kids feeling that same way.

    It just hurts not having any support from the very people that are supposed to care about you..

    I have no other way back and forth. I'd have to walk to the bus, which would be fine, but it wouldn't always work. Like my appt monday morning is 7:45 am. I can't catch a bus out here that early. I don't even have a clue if I'd catch one, what time I'd be able to transfer to another, if it would get me there on time or not. I shouldn't have to go through all that trouble anyways.

    I'm not pulling my daughter in on these issues. Definetly would not tell her I'm feeling suicidal again. Not giving her a reason to resent me anymore than she already has over being sick. She doesn't understand any of this, and there is no point in trying. She does however understand what a jerk off her father can be.
     
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Wonder if you could be admitted into the hospital for depression without being locked up in a ward for it?? Is that possible??
     
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    never mind, i don't care now

    i have very little desire left in me to live

    i don't want to suffer anymore, and if that makes me a piece of shit, well so be it
     
  9. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hiya Cutiepie,

    please dont give up, sounds like you have a lot worth going on for. If that Idiot wants to make your life a misery then i suggest you leave.
    perhaps talk about dividing the house and getting your own place, or him compensate you for your half so you can get a place to live with your little girl.
    i dont know much about hospitals as iv avoided them like the plague, only going in once on a failed attempt that went so wrong it was unreal.
    you CAN get free of this man, change is hard but it might be just what you need. Get your own little flat and car and move on because you wont be able to while he is in every bit of your life.
     
  10. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I could care less about him, other than the fact of what I feel for any human being.

    The day I would want to give my life up over some dumb ass jerk would be the day hell freezes over..

    I don't want to feel the pain from having a chronic disease anymore. I have no strength to hardly even walk today. Why in the hell would I keep torchering myself like this??

    It's like I keep fighting the inevidible. Like god keeps telling me it's time to go and I just keep saying no. Well I don't want to say no anymore. For I don't have the strength to do so.

    :sigh:
     
  11. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Is there no other pain medication that the doctors can give you? I dont know anything about your condition but im sorry its so bad. my friend has firbromyalgia and i know that is ripping him apart some days.
    It wouldnt be destroying your life if you left him, it would be changing you life, perhaps you need to talk to him then about your freedom and the needs you have regarding your illness and talking to your doctor.
    Either way it seems something has to be done to help you at the moment.
    I dont know, i wish i could say something that would make it better but to be honest I havent a clue.
    only you know whats right for you
     
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well my financial situation sucks. I'm only getting SSI since I am unable to work, so I guess I will go sign up on Hud, and that will take about a year, but it will help me have my own place. Mean time, I think I am going to do some online college courses for nursing, I realize that I may never be able to work, but I can aim for something just incase I get better. Maybe it'll get my mind off of the depression.

    I've been scared to death that I wouldn't make it through the weekend. My thoughts were to have a drink and then continue taking pills until I did not feel anything anymore. I didn't need to go past the amount really that was prescribed to me anyways, and I am a little better right now. Took a really long nap.

    It's like I can feel everything I have been through in the past 14 yrs, piled up on me all at once, it's hard to explain, but it's too much to endur. I need help.

    I was going to go to the hospital. Then the issue came up about taking my straightening iron & blow dryer. Well, my daughter blowed up, she was mouthing off to the point that I told her ok, I'd either not go, or see if her father would get her a set before I went, like 40 stupid dollars. Well he can't find it in his heart to do that, he said no way, and he has plenty of money. I'm broke, I can't get it for her.

    I told him it may come down to the point that they are going to have to take me to the hospital without any choice. My suffering is too much. I just wish they could understand, and help me out here. I'm not asking for much, am I??

    I have fibromyalgia too. I also have mixed connective tissue disease but it's not evident to the point that I can get any treatment for that but plaquenil. Prednisone would probably be god sent right now. My neurologist wanted me to start taking it but my rheumatologist said no.. Her choice to not do anything further with me set me off into this depression I am in. I was suffering so bad the day I went and saw her, and I begged her to help me, serious cry for help, all I could do was get up and leave balling and crying, and they just let me do it..

    I have been told I should go to a Lupus speciality clinic but no way to get there, where it's out of state, I could rent a car, but I don't have anyone to drive me. Soooooo kind of stuck in this situation. I guess they could put me in pain management but I really don't want narcotics. Most of them make me vomit and nauseas, and hurt my stomach.

    I just need to wake up one day and get back to that point that everything doesn't feel like it's hitting me all at once. I was better before, I can get that way again, but in the mean time, I really need to be in the hospital. I need help with my physical pain and I need councelling so bad. :(
     
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well I made the call. My doctor won't admit me into the hospital. I don't understand why they won't do that. I just have to go to the ER and sit around as awful as I feel and wait to see if they will admit me or not. FKN bull shit.. I'm not able to sit around in that waiting room. If I wake up tomorrow and things are as horrible as they have been, I guess I will call 911. My daughter said she'd use the straightening iron here that doesn't work that well. I guess someone is finally feeling sorry for me. awwwww..
     
  14. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Mary - my financial situation kinda sucks - but get help in applying for ANYTHING out there! Also - your interest in academic studies is a great plan and life affirming that you have that eye on the future despite the pessimism which is part of depressions bag of tricks!

    Your EX - well I know he is not your husband and that offends you (as it would any women who is separated) - and although its great you remain cordial for the kids - your children are growing up and maybe he uses that as a control thing. Well - that is not happening soon - the kids will be grown and its time for you to actually live a life for you!!!

    You sound a nice enough lady - your still young and just have to kind of hope you will live a long time - and have time to get educated, grab a job - maybe even buy a new home when your working - but HUD is a great thing - like the UK council house. In the UK - a woman like yourself could in theory move a long way from the EX - I know a lot do - to escape whatever bad life they are in.

    Well apply for this HUD (Housing and urban development?) and get your name down!

    A lot of woman here are in the kind of 'rut' you are in. Some don't speak out cutiepie!!! YOU DO - which is a strength and an inspiration also. Even guys like me - I might be strong - but I can keep things in and spent most of my life doing so. Only recently have I really opened up - and feel more secure as a man for doing so.

    We all have doubts - it is the human condition or part of it! Life is hard at times - and anyone who thinks is going to think at some time "What is this about?"

    Well - life is about making mistakes and correcting them. We do this often enough and we become good at something - anything - we can choose it but actually it chooses us - we WILL be drawn towards something that is in our hearts to do.

    but be practical - work is work - it earns us money - money is good but not the real treasure you should have in life. Education is VERY important - because even if your like me and avoid working for anyone apart from me - I'm thankful I'm educated and pay attention to what people have taught me. I'm 46 - but people aged 18 teach me so much!! There is too much to know in life for us to become experts in it all.

    The only thing you ought to know - if nothing else - is YOU. Know yourself - and you will know what you need and what you want. There is a difference!

    We all need some things in life. We all need love - and I see that basic love as a right to be expected by those close to you. Sometimes - as a mother and wife - your experience is such that your really not afforded that right.

    Husbands you married turn into someone else. Children - can seem unkind when teenagers, I was the same - and think I offered my father to step outside so I could beat him up - lol - like as if thumping your poor old dad makes you a man!

    But I've never hit a woman - and the rare times I've said something cruel I have regretted it deeply - and apologised. Thankfully I'm fantastic at apologising - and man enough to do that.

    All my male friends are good guys - none control their women - its all the other way around - lol.

    I know quite a few women who married young - got divorced - and one female friend - some university lecturer was actually married for years to an abusive man.

    If you met her now - its like a BIG difference. Confidence anew! Its like watching someone freed from a prison - which bad relationships can be like!

    Anyhow - hope some of this helps - I know things are bad right now and if you have to go to hospital - It's best to go there sooner than later - I mean do not wait until some people do - and ruminate on their own and not speak to anyone.

    You can always speak to us and you know my PM is always open for you and all the friends who I'm lucky enough to have around here.

    I got a lot of faith in you Mary - and if you need a rest - it seems your not getting that at home. Maybe a few days in hospital will wake people up a little.

    It would for me if any loved one went in for a rest.

    So my thoughts and prayers for you right now.

    M
     
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I was really hoping my doctor would admit me, only other way I am going to be admitted is over feeling suicidal. And lock up. I don't want that. I need help with councelling but I also need help where I am so sick right now. This just sucks.

    Back in jan I think when I had all this pain so bad, I started OD'n on ambien and lexapro until it knocked me out cold. I told the ER doctor it was so bad, i wanted to put a bullet in my mouth. I was puking blood from the Lortab and having really bad stomach pain from it. Had bad rhythyms on my EKG when the ambulance was checking me. They knew I had taken too many sleeping pills. They did some blood work, said it was okay, gave me some shots, gave me a script for lortab, and sent me home.

    Kept going back to my doctor crying for help. It did not change the situation. I had to order toradol online (likely illegal at that) to get my pain under control. And when I chose not to get anymore, this is when it all went bad again. My reaction to a medicine, inflicted pain from hell.

    This same ER doctor, told me once before that they don't treat chronic pain, so he let me know I shouldn't be there asking for help.

    I can't believe what I am going to have to deal with if I go. I keep trying to get help but it feels like I'm getting kicked in the ass everytime I ask.
     
  16. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I decided to move out. I think all of you are right !!!!! This sucks one, and I am really sick and tired of dealing with my ex-husband. I'll survive out there on my own.. I'm going to try to find an apartment.

    Getting an engine for my car next week even if that means I have to give up smoking to get one. Whatever, it's worth the price I have to pay to get that fixed. Might get my nephew to let me make him payments to put it in. If not, I'll figure out how to do it myself. I know it would be hard, but hell, I changed the radiator all by myself, don't know what I'm capable of doing until I try, do I?? But one way or the other, I am going to get all this shit worked out.

    So his battery died on him in town today, of course that is going to be my fault since I go to town 3 or 4 times a month. Hahahaaaa. Now I can't use it anymore. But whatever.. He can take his little inconsiderate additude and ramn it right up his ass. I'm not dealing with it anymore.

    I'm so tired of no one having the capability of acting like they care. I am a good hearted person. I don't deserve this. I think my daughter finally felt sorry for me today, and it did make me feel like she cares, which I really needed that. But my son, I'm texting him and told him if he brings his wife in while he goes to training, that I might be admitted in the hospital, and may not be here, so he doesn't even bother asking what's wrong. I wouldn't say anything to him about it but that is really hurtful.

    I'm better emotionally at the moment, other than just an overall feeling of being sad, but the moment I step back into the zone of wanting to kill myself again, I am going to go get help. I don't care if I have to walk to the hospital, I will get there.. I guess I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to live or not, but I realized I am not ready to give up, no matter how bad my life sucks one. Whatever you know. I'll survive.
     
  17. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    I f you replaced your own radiator, there isn't ANYTHING you cannot do. Think about it? What a weird and foreign thing to attempt... And you won!!!

    That action automatically qualifies you for the "no quitter club"

    And I have absolutely no doubt that you WILL survive!
     
  18. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well it isn't because I wanted to, haha, but I didn't have the money to put it in a garage and I wanted my car fixed. I normally don't pay too much attention to financial issues, money doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but I am getting kind of sick of all this. I wish I was able to work.

    :sigh:
     
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