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so frustrated

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by meh__, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    I come on this site quite often but I don't post much because even on an anonymous website I still feel anxious about writing..(wow ima loser) I don't really know what the point of this post is but I need to be heard somewhere. Today my mom came home from work and found me sitting on my bed bawling my eyes out. I was honestly crying for no reason at all. This happens alot. I finished highschool last June and I have done fuck all since then besides isolate myself from everyone and wallow in my own misery. I have had clinical depression for a while, back to when I was 11/12 years old.

    I don't have alot to be depressed about..sure there are some incidents from when I was younger but I feel like I have accepted those things and moved on but I still am so horribly depressed. I am beginning to question everything I have ever thought or believed. I honestly do nothing all day besides cry,eat and smoke. In September I was going through a bad time and was depressed (of course) and decided I would move across the country to live with some family I have there and get a job. I figured leaving would make everything better. Well, what an ignorant thought that was. I was just as depressed when I was there but I had things to keep me busy at least..although at the end of the day I would go home and cry anyway. After being there for only a month I realized my depression was just as bad as when I left and I started getting more anxious being there than I was at home. I decided to return home and force myself to get another job. I lasted one day at this job. ONE FUCKIN DAY! haha, must be a record. I just couldnt even force myself to go because my anxiety was so bad I'd have the worst panic attack that would last an hour..I'd hyperventilate to the point where I'd throw up(tmi?sorry)

    And now here I am months later and it feels like the days all mold into one long, shitty, neverending day because I do the same shit everyday. Even if I try doing fun stuff or going out for a night with friends the whole time I'm wishing I could be home alone with my dog. I have been through many therapists (I have a semi-good one now) and I've been on tons of anti-depressants but I stopped taking them last summer. Do you think I should go back to a doctor and get them again?

    Anyway this is getting incredibly long so I should shut the hell up now..Im sure noone will read this but I needed to rant somewhere. I'm just getting to the point where I want to give up and end it all. I havent attempted anything in a year(yay) but I'm starting to feel again like I have ZERO purpose on this earth so what is the fucking point of wasting oxygen.

    sorry for the length..