so fucking confused (may trigger?)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Smashed__, Apr 9, 2008.

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  1. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    I haven't belted my neck in months and I honestly don't know how.
    I do miss the comfort it gave me. :(

    I pretty much know what I'd want to do as far as a career i'd enjoy and have passion for. Canine training. whether its basic obedience, advanced training, Search and rescue, police dogs or whayt I truely want- Human remains detection(cadaver dogs). I took in another foster puppy so i'm training him now, in addition to the other four.

    As much as i've got that figured out I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I cry inside every time because I am begining to feel selfish for even harboring the thoughts I feel like one of these days i'm going to snap or accidentally die while strangling myself. I wish to disapear but i have so many things to set/get rid of first and I just don't want to go out that way.

    I had a check up with my oncologist last month and all my blood came back great so my scan will be at the end of May. I should be greatful that i'm an ovarian cancer surviver. I should be happy when women say i'm an "inspiration", but i'm not. Every scan that comes back clean, every blood panel that comes back normal, everytime another visit passes I just smile and nod. I hold my tongue and think to myself "fucking Hell.. why couldn't I have died on the table?!" and then I feel like shit for thinking that.

    I'm tired of hurting and suffering inside. I want to make the time while i'm hear decent, and to please those around me. I just can't help feeling i'm doing EVERYTHING, including breathing, for someone else.

    I have plans for living, I have plans for dieing. I have dreams about a life, I have fantasies about death. I am so fucking confused and torn up.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that I have no words of wisdom...but wanted to send my caring so that you know you have been heard and it is important that you stay...big hugs, J
     
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :sad: Dresdenface..I'm around..xxxxx
     
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