So fucking lonely

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SadDude87, Jun 26, 2008.

  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I have never had anyone. I simply have far too much damage and baggage. I have fucked countless whores, and they all say the same thing. Why are you here, where is your girlfriend, you are the type of guy I'd like for a boyfriend.

    Hhahahaahah. If only they knew.

    If only they knew how truly fucked up I am! 20 years old and never been honest with anyone. Always acting. Always playing the character I want to be seen as, but it is so far from the truth. 20 years of insecurities, illusions of grandeur and depression. If only I could find someone as messed up as me. Or maybe everyone has problems, and I have shut myself off to the extent that noone has ever really been honest with me either. I guess when I try to project perfection, who would want to be honest with their own failures with me. I hate these low mood swings when I wnat to die.
     
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    There is no such thing as perfection. You will be trying to achieve that until you die. Perfection is just an illusion that people torture themselves with. Once you realize that people will accept you for who you are than you will start to heal.

    Sit back andt hink about this. Everyone has faults, everyone has screwed up in their life and everyone wants everyone else to think they are perfect and that in other words their shit don't stink. People are going around and around in an endless battle trying to achieve something that will never appear.

    I pose a question, what is perfection anyways?
     
  3. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response. It sounds extremely childish but 'perfection' to me simply means being better than everyone I have to socialise with.

    I mean it's terrible. But growing up, I mean as a kid like 8 - 15. I was always, or atleast thought I was the 'best' - strongest, best looking, smartest etc etc. I probably wasn't, but I atleast thought I was. And this made me feel very comfortable. That was how I viewed myself, and it became my identity. I needed that reassurance of being better to feel comfortable.

    Now, I know that it was all an illusion. So now, unless I surround myself with degenerates, I feel a sudden identity crisis, surges of anxiety, etc etc.

    Something went wrong in my development somewhere, and I never managed to develop a base self esteem without comparing myself as superior to others.

    I sound like a brat, I know. But I'm just being honest about my thought processes to try and somehow fix them. But they are so entrenched I don't know what to do about it. These confusing and conflicting feelings (Superiority vs Inferiority, Smugness vs Major Anxiety) are the basis of why I am here. And they are also what have stopped me from developing genuine relationships.
     
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    That is kind of awfully mean to call other people degenerates etc. Maybe that's me being judgmental I don't know. Why not surround yourself with people that will simply like you for who you are? You are going to live in a cold and lonely world if you continuously try and surround yourself with "lesser" people b/c they will figure out what you're doing and ditch you. People pick up on things pretty fast and they will see through the facade you put up. There are people who will like/love you for who you are rather than what you portray if you jsut let them.

    Somewhere along the lines your view of what you should be and what you ought to be got skewed. You should be who you want to be adn stop pretending to be some stuck up, arrogant, "perfect" person. No one will want to be around that eventually.
     
  5. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    You probably won't read this but I'm going to say it anyway. I know exactly how you feel. I've had 17 (4 more months until I turn 18!!) years without anyone except for one guy who was 7/8 years older than me. I don't really want to talk about that though. About playing the character though, I know that only too well. I try so hard just to be what everyone wants me to be and I break down. . . a lot. I'm at a really low point right now too, and you probably won't take me up on this offer, but PM me anytime you need someone to just listen. I know a lot of people who say they will never get anyone and they end up with really awesome people so I would say you still have hope :smile:.
     
  6. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member


    better in whos opinion though everyone is different and no one is perfect in everyone's eyes. you're going down a dead end road...
     
  7. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    You sound like a bunch of guys on here, including myself. Why do you feel that way? Do you mind talking about what type of trauma you've experienced? For me it all started soon after I was born when my father left me. He's alive still but I was abandoned.:sad: I've always been mistrusting, angry, sad, and quiet. My mom never kept her relationships for long, mostly because of us. I never cared, my brother stole, my sister was a smart-ass. I lost faith in all women, I hated my sister, my mother hated me, and girls were never interested. But I don't blame anyone but myself since it was always my fault.
     
  8. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    A combination of having no male role models, and a dick that didn't work until I was nearly 20. Left me extremely confused about my role in the world, and my sexuality. Ended up manifesting into narcissistic tendencies (probably as a cover for shortcomings, and a way to define my place and somehow develop self esteem), unhappiness with how I look, and after the age of about 16 very poor and sporadic relationships with others.
     
  9. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Well at least you know or have a pretty good idea of whats wrong. You can now develop strategiews to overcome these flaws and move on. But you are alot further than I am. I am still in the dark about whats wrong with me and women and my depression. You see I really cannot start a relationship with a woman because when I'm around them I get really stressed out, so much so that my back and shoulder become unbearably painful, I get uncomfortable, I feel less important and unwanted. I cant understand why I get into such a bad condition.
     
  10. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Did you mean that you didn't know whether you were "straight", gay, or bi? because I think a lot of people think, "Oh no, maybe I'm this way and I don't want to be." but did you ever think, and this is going to sound really dumb, but did you ever think that maybe you were attracted to the same sex's personality? like maybe that you wanted to be like them so you developed kind of an infatuation? idk if you didn't question it that way forget everything i just wrote. you're not alone though SadDude87. sorry you feel so low. i wish i could help, i really do.