So Fucking Sick Of Being Alone.

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by LetItGo, Nov 17, 2006.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Im trapped. Ive spent my entire life setting myself up for failure. Ive distanced myself from friends, and family, to the point where there are only two people on this entire planet that have any idea of how I think.

    Im so alone, ive isolated myself from everyone and all because im too fucking useless to go out there and change it!!! Why cant I do it? whats holding me back? When i was a kid I had so much energy, I was so fit, I was kicking the ass of kids 5 years older than me on the squash court, now Id be dead in 15 minutes. What the hell happened to me. Im bordering on crying here just thinking about where 33 years of my life have gone. I have nothing left - no friends, no money, no job, no house, no girlfriend, nothing! I spend the entire day trapped in this little bubble ive created for myself, and in the meantime everybody else my age is married, with 2 kids and on there tenth trip to Hawaii.

    Im the weakest fucking link alright. Im delluding myself to think that anybody cares....I told Carolyn the other night that id be lucky to get 6 people at my funeral. Actually thats optimistic, more like 3 or 4. She is possibly the only person on this planet that has any idea of how I feel.

    Now I think my mind is starting to slip away....my thoughts are getting increasingly hazy and fuzzy. I cant think straight, or type correctly most of the time....Its like my mind is disconnected from what I want to say...it really worries me.

    Most of all though, Im desperate for someone to hold. The thought of holding someone, of loving someone so much you would do anything for them. Ive never had that...ever!

    Whenever I think of having a girlfriend...I smile, its the only thing that keeps me going really, yet Im too fucked up to go out there and get one...or at least try. I think about holding, touching, kissing and just enjoying being with various imaginery woman that I make up in my head. I think about it 99% of the time, seriously its nearly the only thing I think about these days..im completed fixated on it. Perhaps thats why my mind is so foggy.

    My sexual desires are of the chart...its insane. We all know that men think about sex a lot generally, well multiply that by 10 fold, and you got me atm...

    I think its just because im desperately lonely....I know that. God, when I think about it, it makes me smile...but it also makes me cry, because I know its something I will never have...

    I cant do this much longer, seriously, I cant.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh MJ don't hun.

    Wish you weren't on the other side of the world, I'd invite a load of you round to dinner (I love to cook) and we'd all hug you to death.

    For now these will have to do :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    pm me anytime.
     
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Awww hun, I am so sorry :hug: try and hang in there, Don't say never, please don't, remember sweetie, we are working on goals, possitivity and support. We will be ok, don't demand everything at once, the more you demand and stress yourself out the more things will jumble up. Try and focus on 1 or 2 things to work on now, you still have therapy, noone gets better by 2 sessions, so please don't set yourself up, please. I care for you alot, and you know it, and I am here for you forever, you will always have me as a friend, and I can't let you let go of this, we have to try and keep eachother on track, yeah? ...:hug: I do understand how you feel, but it's a negative distortion that a lot of us with depression have. I feel like things will never get better for me, but logically they have to if I don't give up, you wouldn't let me do it and I can't let you. Try your meditation hun, and also, ask your therapist next time about learning mindfulness skills and possibly part of DBT, don't worry about what they mean or stand for, your therapist will know what is means. But from what you are talking about what being hazy and all that, mindfulness sounds like it could help, it's related to meditation, but there is more for it, it is used alot I think for people with anxiety disorders, social phobias, ADD, bpd... and so on. I'm here for you remember that, please don't give up, please I am begging of you. Let me be here for you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: