So hard to explain

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by xXxRNBxXx, Jun 1, 2010.

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  1. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    This is soooo hard to put into words from my mind... But i'll try...

    Ok so I was just explaining to some close friends that When i look at my daughter i dont see or feel like shes my daughter she just feels like another person/human to me. The more i think bout it the more i dont even remember or can feel what it was like to be pregnant or giving birth or being loved or loving her or bonding with her. It such a horrible feeling... Im starting to get paranoid and the voices are shouting at me etc and kinda making me believe ive been drugged/tampered with to believe she is my daughter. I keep shouting at her not badly but kinda maybe like snapping about silly things and kinda feel i just want her to go live with my mum. I guess its kinda why i dont feel guilty etc when i plan to end my life. I dont feel anything what so ever.... Yeah i have been worried bout her having this thing/problem lately but i dunno its weird.

    I cant even explain all this theres so much jumbled inside my head... ive recently moved in a new house and i feel nothing for that either i dont even feel like this is my life i feel really out of place like ireally should not be here at all... i dont feel familiar with my family and friends.. it all feels fake and odd.. I really dont think i should still be living...........

  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Do you have a CPN, social worker or CMHT you're in contact with?

    What you're going through sounds serious.

    How old is your daughter, and do you think your mum could look after her until you feel better?
  3. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I know hun, you were telling me this a little while ago.
    But I've been thinking on it, and I think maybe its just all you've been through. Maybe your mind is telling you she isn't your daughter, so you don't 'hurt' her..but hunny she always is and always will be your daughter. She'll be thirty five and remembering how great of a mother you are. Just keep your chin up sweetie you are strong.
  4. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Well i dont have a cpn at the moment but when i was last in hossy they talked bout getting me one but nothing came of it.

    she will be 6 in august...

    I have never spoken bout things/how i feel to my family ever.... they know very little... im just so empty and lost bout this whole thing. i really feel like a alien whos in a mould work.... to kinda be here for the devil to spy on things... its like everything i thought i had as a memory has not vanished like it was all a lie and maybe tuned into my head at the time.....

    I know i must sound so weird... im struggling to come to terms with it myself atm :(
  5. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Well I have woke up the same... Last night I took 6x tablets of one of my meds... im only suppose to take 2 a day of them I would have taken more if I had enough if it but they ran out... Ive rang my doctor today and begged him to put me back on monthly meds because im ready and settled hahahaha he said go in the docs at 5pm and I can pick up my perscription.... he said he will decide throughout the day If I can have monthly yet... so.....

    FINGERS CROSSED whoooooooop
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    why do you want a prescription that will give you tablets for a month?
  7. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Because the tablets are great and i love them...

    Im on weekly atm because i have a thing bout taking od's

    But hopefully he will see sense and give me a months worth today
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    have you ever found yourself in hospital over an OD?
    do you live alone?
  9. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    yeah i have been in hossy from them i was in coma once.... :s

    Just me and my daughter... and cat
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    a coma can mean death. if you're ODing regularly now, it might mean, you pass out, your daughter witnesses it, she will be effected, and no one will care for her, and she might not know what to do.

    i know you don't feel like she's yours, but at least, if you're planning on harming yourself through overdoses, please tell your family to come and pick your daughter up, and say you're not feeling well, if you have trouble talking to them about personal issues like ODs, self harming, suicide etc.

    what do these ODs give you, do they make you high, or do you want to die, or punish yourself?
  11. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Apart from taking a few more then perscribed last night i never do them when shes around me. I normally take them when

    1. shes at her dads (at weekends)
    2. Away with my parents for the weekend/week at there caravan.

    Im not making an excuse for what i do saying that doing it then makes it right as i know its not and i know i shouldnt even be doing this when i have a child but i cant help it.

    I guess its a bit of i want to die/punish myself! Im hoping one day ill take too many and never wake up?!?!

    They given me my months worth i now have 56 of one of the certain tablets im on which is about 2240mg of dose. i wont do it tonight or tomorrow as shes here... but they help to add to my "stash" of every medication im on ive saved up in mig groups....

    I bet you think im a right bitch :(
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    no, i don't think you're a bitch. i was just reminding you of your child and to keep her safe.

    is it possible, for you to go to your GP soon, and ask them about a CPN for yourself? you're high risk of harming yourself badly, or killing yourself through this. i know you might want to do it, and you don't ever want to wake up, which shows how much you're suffering. but once that is addressed, you might not want to OD, kill yourself any more. have you ever got support for your depression, low self worth, in terms of therapy?
  13. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Well i was in psych ward last year for 7 months... I got out mid october ish. So its been like 7 months since i got discharged. Im on waiting list for clinical psychology... and i see my psych doc every month. Apart from that no... :eek:( Last night was horrible i had bad nightmares, woke up few times id been crying in my sleep... i also kept waking up half asleep thinking there were things in my bed and bedroom... i remember waking ymself up turning light on screaming... im worried to sleep tonight its actually terrified me...

    I get so paranoid, my daughter stayed with my parents last night (last min thing) and shes there tonight too, then tomorrow night shes at her other nans for weekend so im alone now for like the next 3 nights....

    So i guess thats a good thing that shes safe and not here with me...
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it's good to hear your daughter is with relatives

    do you have the A+E liasion number so you can tell them what you're going through? you sound like you're in a crisis, and you've been ODing and you've got pills. have you ever had crisis team support before?

    i'm not sure where you live, but when you're feeling up to it and you survive this present period, not now: you could search out free counselling centres. these are places that offer some kind of time-limited therapy. you could contact MIND about any near you, but they (and CMHT and a CPN) might offer you a lot more support than what you're getting at the moment.
  15. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Well ive had the crisis team on and off too over past few years... i only just got rid of them roughly bout month or so ago they were coming 2 a day i practically lied to them to get rid of them haha i was sitting on the bridge (dangling my legs over edge) and police turned up etc they took me a & e and they sent me home with crisis team.
    I use to be in contact with MIND but i recently moved house so they wont know my addy now. They always talked to me in hospital when i was on the ward.

    I just dont know anymore...
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you sound like you've been going through a rough time, and the crisis team is a hindrance, rather than a "life saver" at this point in your life.

    when you were in hospital, did it help you?

    and is it because of what you're suffering right now, in terms of paranoia, voices yelling at you, feeling very low and seeing things- why you are collecting pills to OD? and has your experiences, ever got better in the 7 months you were in hospital and were out of it?
  17. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Well some days i thought it helped and other days i didnt but the days i didnt i was trying to escape to go jump off the bridge....and one time i od'd in hospital...

    Well yes they play a big part in me wanting to die but i also feel i have to die... i tried hanging myself when i was 9.... i always felt i shouldnt be living...

    I guess you could say the voices etc were better to a extent as the hospital made sure you took your meds etc...

  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    do you know why you have such a strong compulsion as well as the belief that you shouldn't be living? that sounds like it's eating you up, and killing you, and has harmed you for so long.

    were you under a section for those months in hospital?
  19. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    I hear voices... and one of them i truely believe is the devil. I feel hes been using me to find things out, like i was put inside a fake body/life for his purpose... and now its like the end. I have to die and go as now nothing seems real anymore its like it was all fake and made up... which is why i think i dont believe my daughter is mine... He sends people over to me now and again and they torment me in my house... so i run away to my bridge and thats the only place i truely get peace... its like nothing matters anymore and no one can hurt me there... i just gaze and stare over the edge hoping one day ill have the courage to jump and it acyually works and doesnt go wrong....

    you know your the first person to actually spend so much time with me on a thread and get to know me and my thoughts... thank you for that

  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i've felt similar to you, not in the exact way but similar.

    have you heard of derealisation and depersonalisation? other than what you believe as the devil having control, the explanations of depersonalisation especially fits with your experiences, and are a result of severe anxiety. and from my experience, some medications can heighten this- and if you have taken an OD, it can make it worse.

    do you feel safe in your home? could you think of things that make you feel safe?

    thanks, i like talking to people and getting to know them- and i like talking to you.
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