so... hello...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by LadyEmaleth, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    This is the third time I'm trying to write a "hello" post. Maybe this time I'll send it. I'm 26, female, from Poland (yes I know you all hate my country and polish people - I don't care). I'm diagnosed with BPD. I'm also a self harmer for over a decade now. I know that one day I will kill myself, but not just yet. I'm not depressed and desperate enough to do it now, but I keep this thought in mind. I'm spending a lot of time on internet forums like this. I'm even a moderator of one of polish forums dedicated to self harm and that's the reason I'm here... as moderator I should be supportive, I shouldn’t kill hope in other users but right now I tend to do it a lot for I've lost my own hope and I'm angry and sad and generally not well even for my own standards. I've spend the last 4 years in treatment. I don't respond to medication at all. The nine months I've spend in group therapy thought me that there is no way for me to be normal and healthy and that I'm toxic to people around me. I'm learning to accept that but I hate every single part of this knowledge. I feel like I'm too far gone for saving and truth to be told I don't even know if I want to be saved... I've lost too much of myself over the years of depression and I don't want another 50 years similar to the last 20... I don't need support... support is for people who fight and I've given up... I just wanted to say this all out loud. Thanks for reading.
  2. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    "I've given up"

    doesn't sound like it to me, sounds like you're still in there fighting the thoughts and feelings, good on you for that.

    wishing you well

  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome! I think that's great that you're helping others on the Polish site. That tells me you're compassionate and have a heart for others. The world needs people like you!

    I know I always feel like I can sometimes help others but I can never help myself get out of my depression, but I do think talking to others who can relate, venting, or just trying to help other people through there issues, even if it is just listening can help me just enough to get through the pain sometimes.

    Even if you're mind thinks you've given up. Just the fact that you were able to convey your thoughts and do this shows there is still some fight left in you.

    And I don't know why people would automatically hate Polish, but you seem perfectly nice to me. :)

    - J
  4. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    Thank you.
    It's not quite like that... I gain a lot from what I do and I do it for myself. I gain the sense of belonging and mutual understanding when I talk to people with similar problems so it is only natural to share what I have and in my case it's experience with symptoms and treatment. It pains me to see that there are so many young, really young people on their best way to end up where I am right now and I'm only trying to warn them... and if it works and they get help it makes me feel that my life is a little bit less worthless. As you can see I am a pure egoist.
    I've stopped believing that things can get any better for me. I've stopped wishing and hoping for that. As weird as it sounds hope was too painful and too destructive.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. Just FYI, most of us don't hate your country :) We are a community of people from all walks of life and try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. I am glad you have chosen to seek out support. It is difficult when you feel you must be there for everyone else and shouldn't express your thoughts and feelings yourself as it goes against what you are saying to others. Sometimes we know deep down that what we are telling them is right, we just don't feel it at the time. So feel free here. we are here to listen, support, and maybe gain from your insight as well. :hug:
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Lady and welcome here!
    I think Polish people are wonderful, cannot see why there should be any hatred for them at all, that is a mystery to me........ anyone who can learn Polish, for a start, must be awesome :)

    You have tons of self-awareness, and that is a great +

    I understand about the feelings of hope being painful and destructive, because, when you cannot see any positive results from doing this, it makes the disappointment all the worse...... but deep down inside, you know that others do not have to go the same way, and so you still believe that it is possible to prevent this.

    Things do all rest and result on and from what we believe........... I believed once that suicide was the only thing I could do......... and it was that belief that made my attempt 'inevitable'. But, where there is a flickering flame in the darkness, that still wants, despite the darkness, to flicker, salvation and deliverance from it is ALWAYS possible, even though we cannot see it - others can see it, and sometimes we need to trust others for a while to help us see it for ourselves, hun :)
  7. Ambivalent12

    Ambivalent12 New Member

    My story is quite similar to what you've written so far. The self-harm, knowing that someday you will probably kill yourself, just not quite knowing when... I'm nearly ten years older than you and would hate for you to wind up in the kind of situation I've found myself: warehoused away on a psych ward awaiting the state to take over my "care". I don't know how such things work in Poland, but here in New York, they (doctors, hospitals, etc.) think they can force me to be safe, force me to live, etc.
    I have nothing enlightening to say, just hi and I hear you.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun glad you have reached out here for YOU hun ok Many of us here give to others what we can because it does help us too hugs
  9. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    I don't express my feelings because they are too much of a burden for other people... I've lived with my darkest thoughts for years. They seem natural to me but to others they're scary, disturbing and difficult. My friends can't cope with the fact that someone they care about feels this way so I don't tell them what's really going on.

    It means that I wasn't sleeping during my therapy. I did become more aware of how I am, what I feel and what I expect and I like that about myself.

    Yes it does. I had a breakdown two years ago - I was in between group therapies at that time. I wasn't depressed - it was just that too many bad things happened at the same time and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I would end up in a mental hospital if anyone had found me then... For years of my self harm I've never been brutal and violent except for this one time... and the pain of all the blows, bites and scratches just couldn't push through what I felt inside... it was like some kind of trance. When after a few hours I was done with myself I looked like a victim of an assault. It took me a month to regain any resemblance of balance just to function but I've never returned to my former self. Now every time someone tells me about hope and positive attitude images and feelings from that day just flood my mind and I can't withstand even a memory of that.

    I want others to get help as soon as it's possible - before they're too far gone. I was 11 when my problems started and 13 when they became visible because I was cutting... I was 16 when I got seriously depressed for the first time and it resulted in my suicide attempt a year later. Never during this time my parents allowed me to get help and I couldn't go to a psychiatrist without their consent. To make the matters worse when I turned 18 and went to seek help I met really unprofessional people. My first therapist would respond to me saying about my suicidal tendencies that I mustn’t tell her such things. My psychiatrist on the other hand told me that she would be extremely disappointed with me if I was her daughter because I am cynical and evil. She would then break the patient-doctor confidentiality and call my mother telling her what I was saying during my session. I had a few more unsatisfying contacts with mental health care over the next years. I was 22 when I finally found a professional place with supportive and nonjudgmental people and that's where I had my therapy... but truth to be told... it was about a decade too late. You may say that time doesn't matter but it's not true... when I started a real treatment I already had a very little capacity for failure due to years of futile tries to get help and therapy is all about falling and getting up, fighting and learning to cope... and I don't have enough energy left to do that. I just don't.

    As for that... well I've met a few times with hate post about my nationality on international sites and I just wanted to avoid anything like that here where I am talking about some very personal stuff. Now that I think about that I tried to achieve it in a very typical for me way... I tend to use the message "I know you want to hurt me and I don't care" way too often. I suppose it's how I still try to shield myself from people. I didn't realize it was so automatic.

    I know the lack of understanding a person feeling like this gets. I'm sorry that you go through all of this.
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, it does seem you are in a pit. Most of us here have been in pits as well........ but I do know that, as much as you might not be able to believe it at this moment - that it IS possible to climb out of it to a higher place.

    Basically, the ingredients are - access to a place of acceptance, while all that you are feeling and thinking can be acccessed. Someone, or a few people to walk with you through it, holding a lamp for your feet as they find their path. SF is a great place to start with this :)

    This was how I eventually have surfaced mine, and as painful as it still is, when I look back on it - not that I try not to either, because that would be impossible - I do believe there has been purpose to it, not that many would agree but that does not matter. It doesn't matter what labels people give you or what they think - you are a unique individual with a unique story to tell and a unique integrated future, hun :)
  11. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Hey! I don't hate Poland or Polish people at all. That is a complete misconception. My very first girlfriend in grade school was a transfer student from Poland, and she was a sweetheart. :)

    I understand how you feel, and I know that there is not much I can say to make you feel better. I'm glad you came here to express yourself, and I hope that in some way it has made you feel a little bit better. We are very open and accepting here. I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way - believe me, neither do I. But I do hope you hold out for a little bit longer in the case that maybe things turn around. I have been ready to commit suicide many times in my life, and for whatever reason I always give myself a second chance. Maybe it's foolish and maybe I am only delaying the inevitable. But I really don't have anything left to lose, and neither do you. So try to give yourself a little more time, okay? We don't hate Polish people and nobody here wants to hurt you. There are many here who commit self harm, myself included, and we are not going to judge you for that. I guess it is hard to hold on for hope, and yes hope can be painful once struck with the realization that it may be in vain. But keep coming here and talking regardless, for as long as you are able to hold on. Your thoughts are not going to be a burden or disturbing to me. I can almost certainly guarantee you my own thoughts are just as dark, if not darker than your own. I have yet to meet anyone whose thoughts scare me. In fact the only thing that probably truly scares me is happiness, only because I am deathly afraid of losing it once I have it.
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