This is the third time I'm trying to write a "hello" post. Maybe this time I'll send it. I'm 26, female, from Poland (yes I know you all hate my country and polish people - I don't care). I'm diagnosed with BPD. I'm also a self harmer for over a decade now. I know that one day I will kill myself, but not just yet. I'm not depressed and desperate enough to do it now, but I keep this thought in mind. I'm spending a lot of time on internet forums like this. I'm even a moderator of one of polish forums dedicated to self harm and that's the reason I'm here... as moderator I should be supportive, I shouldn’t kill hope in other users but right now I tend to do it a lot for I've lost my own hope and I'm angry and sad and generally not well even for my own standards. I've spend the last 4 years in treatment. I don't respond to medication at all. The nine months I've spend in group therapy thought me that there is no way for me to be normal and healthy and that I'm toxic to people around me. I'm learning to accept that but I hate every single part of this knowledge. I feel like I'm too far gone for saving and truth to be told I don't even know if I want to be saved... I've lost too much of myself over the years of depression and I don't want another 50 years similar to the last 20... I don't need support... support is for people who fight and I've given up... I just wanted to say this all out loud. Thanks for reading.