its got to the point that i dont know how i feel anymore. So much has happened in such a short space of time that i everythings just a blur. im gona start from the begining (well what i think is the begining) and im finaly gona vent, get everything off my chest... so here goes... almost 3 years ago i was living in a beautiful house, with a mum who was fun and happy, a dad who was my best friend, a brother who looked out for me and a sister who i shared secrets with. my sister ran away and dissapeard off the face of the earth for 7months. my mum became depressed. my dad became isolated and didnt know how to cope. my brother stole a car and got sent to prison for 14 months. everthing fell apart. my mum wasnt fun anymore and grew to envy the relationship that i had with my dad. she missed my brother and sister. my dad lost all marital communication with my mum and turned to me, we became closer than ever! my brother came home early, hed changed, he was a criminal, a yob, a hooligan, he did horrible things to innocent for entertainment. my sister came home, turned out she was at my long lost aunties, which did not please my mum in the slightest way, it broke her heart. everything changed.... arguments and screaming, my mum attacking my dad, my dad then started attacking me. my brother went off the rails, this hurt my mum, meanwile my sister is in the background getting up to god knows what. things carried on like this for while, fighting, arguing, crying, beating after beating. but i never hated him for it, i stilll dont, hes my dad n i love him. then mum sat us all down one night and said they were selling the house to move to a boat.... yes... a boat! i didnt like it at first but then my dad took me to show some and explained everything, i kinda became excited. my sister was pregnant and had her own house, my brother was in prison again for 2 years this time. everything seemed different, like it was sort of getting on track, headiing in the right direction. and i was happy, i was actually happy! so... we moved to the boat, it was hard at first, i started to get bullied for where i lived, it was hard but my dad helped me through it. my mum however found vodka, she got worse and realy started to hate me. i carried on for as long as i could take it. but one night i blew up, i exploded, i broke down, asked her why? why did she hate me? why couldnt she hug me? why couldnt we laugh together ike we used to? she said "hes mine not yours, he loves me not you!" and she made him decide.... me or her............. he chose her. it broke me. it ripped my heart in two. thats were my depression started, i moved in with my nan and grandad. it was ok at first but they were both realy old and set in their anoying old people type of ways. my grandad was realy ill and in and out of hospital, he was diagnosed with lung cancer, but hed had it for so long it had spread and was too late for treatment. he came home and myself and the reast of the family looked after him. a month later he died. i miss him everyday, i was close with him, he understood me, he was fun, he was my hero! and here i am 10 months later, my mum doesnt speak to me, my dad tries to arrange to see me but its hard. my brother is in prison for the fourth time and my sister is in an abusive relationship with two beautiful children. and i just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. im struggling, i try to talk to my friends but its hard to say how i realy truly feel, i dont know why i just feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about how i feel, or anyone to hug me went i want to cry for hours for no particular reason, no one to calm medown when i get realy angry and frusrated with myself, no one to just be there to pick me up when my depression gets the better of me. i feel cut off from everyone who was ever close to me. i feel out of control, i dont know where my life is going, or where i want i to go for that matter. im just confused!!! humph, so that me thats my life, thats how i feel, how i am. me...just ...me.