So here goes.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TRoe13, Apr 25, 2010.

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  1. TRoe13

    TRoe13 Member

    Well.... I don't know if I can ever go through with it.... but it has been on my mind A LOT lately. I'll start back in high school.....

    I was never much of a ladies man.... never had a lot of friends.... the few friends I did have, can't really say they were "GOOD" friends. Family always had issues.... never got really close with any of them.... even my own parents..... I can't talk to them about anything..... it just feels to weird and like I am going to be judged. Anyway, I had this female friend I met in a yahoo chat room back when I was like 13. We stayed friends for many many years.... and when I turned 18, I decided to move over 2000 miles away to finally become serious with this girl. We were in love, it was wonderful. 3 years later we had a baby together. Now he is two years old. Me and this girl had many problems in our relationship.... she cheated on my multiple times, blamed herself, but also said it was partially my fault because if I had just treated her like I was suppose to, then she wouldn't have done it. Now, she is going to leave me for the second time, and I fear this time will be that final time. I am now 22 years old, about to turn 23 on april 30th, I have spent most of my adult life so far with this girl and I love her like I have never loved another person other then my son. I can't stand the thought of being without her. I get panic attacks when I start thinking about life without her and my son. I can't do it..... I feel that killing myself will allow me to stay around both her and my son all the time in spirit.... I am a firm believer in that kind of thing. I have gone to a psychic medium in my area and was blown away by how good she was. She named specific family members by name, telling me they are always around me, ect ect. I no longer fear death.... I look forward to it...... I just can't do it painfully..... I am afraid of guns, and can't take the chance of it not working and then I have to live the rest of my life as a vegetable or mentally disabled..... there is just so much racing through my mind right now...... It's only a matter of time until she is actually gone.... we're living with my parents right now and she is already making plans to move back to her home state with her father.... and I told her to take my son so IF I go through with this, hes not around...... I feel like this is my only option..... I can't live life without her....... :(
     
  2. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF.

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.But can I just tell you that what im about to say you should trust in even though you dont know me.

    Just under a week ago I was left by my partner of 5years,he has cheated and moved out and in with her now.Im left in the house we shared together with the landlord giving notice for me to be out soon.My now ex has taken nearly everything from the house so im sat with nothing.

    I very nearly took some pills the other day and in a last ditch attempt surfed the net and came up with this place.Ive been here ever since and obviously didnt take the pills.

    So I urge you not to hurt yourself,there is always another way to get your feelings out.Talking on here has helped me no end.You are in good hands here and everybody is so welcoming.

    If you would like to talk privatly about anything then feel free to pm me.We are all here for you so please know that you are not alone.

    :grouphug:
     
  3. TriEdge

    TriEdge Member

    It sucks terribly when you feel close to someone but then they leave you all alone.

    However, as what I gather from what was posted, she hasn't left yet. So you still can hope to change things. you said your relationship has had many problems. but what are those problems, why do they happen, is it always the same problems? Did either one of you change in the relationship? Since usually people don't always remain the same, exact person all their life.

    I hope that you try to work it out and not give up. Don't also forget about your son. He is very precious. Even if you blame yourself, you also can blame her as well and realize that if you were to separate, it could be a new beginning for both of you. I know it probably doesn't seem that way though.
     
  4. TRoe13

    TRoe13 Member

    Thanks for the responses. You are correct, she hasn't left yet. She can't afford a plane or train ticket back out to her home state, so thats why it is even worse.... I have to look into the eyes of the girl I love with all my heart every day knowing she is planning on just leaving me in the dark when she gets the chance.

    Some of the issues in our relationship was my fault. As I said in the first post, I never really had any good friends or anything, and when we moved back to my home state with my parents, i started a job and met a kewl dude who I consider a good friend now, and I would go out and hang out with him quite often, leaving my family home. I know it is wrong, but I was just so overjoyed to actually have a real friend that I let it get out of control. Thats when she left me the first time... and after about 6 months, I convinced her to come back to me, which she did. I stopped going out as much.... but now she says she wants that "fairy tail" relationship and I just don't treat her like a "princess". I think all thats ridiculous because that "fairy tail" relationship is NEVER going to happen. EVERYONE in this world has flaws and no one is perfect, so no relationship is ever going to be perfect.

    She says since she is really my first love and my first real girlfriend that maybe I just don't have the experience necessary to make her happy, which may be true. I don't have that much experience with girls, she is my first real girlfriend and this is my first real relationship.

    Also, since I never had a good relationship with my parents, no real friends, or anything like that, my communication skills are 0. I was always a VERY quiet kid, even now as an adult, I don't know how to act around other people, I usually just hold things inside, deep inside and let them sit there. I know I need help to change the way I am, and I told her I would get professional help.... but then I lost my job and without insurance I can't afford that.... and I guess shes not willing to wait.

    To top it off, I was diagnosed with diabetes about a year ago and that has just brought me down big time. I feel like "well shit, this disease is either going to kill me or screw my body up so much that I don't wanna be alive anyway".

    But back to communication things.... I did try opening up to her a few times.... but it seems like every time I try that, she gets all defensive and attacks me back... and so I gave up on that. She wont change anything about her because she feels like I'm not changing so shes not gonna waste her time doing it either.

    I feel like she can do so much better then me...... like she needs to leave me and find a better man who can take care of her and my son the way they deserve..... but at the same time, I can't stand the thought of living without her. I just want to end this horrible life and watch over them both in heaven. (no i don't believe there is a hell.... we live in hell right now, when we die, we go to heaven, doesn't matter how you die)

    I don't know.....

    I also know the saying "there are more fish in the sea" or however it goes.... but it don't feel like that to me..... I mean, I didn't have any girls that I knew of interested in me all through middle and high school.... mostly probably because I don't communicate.... but this was the first girl to take interest... and stay interested for so long. She is just so beautiful and amazing and I can't believe I couldn't change for her and now shes gone for good....... she tells me that we never know what might happen in the future, we could end up back together, ect ect but I know how great she is.... and any single guy out there would be stupid to not scoop her up.... so I just don't have hope for us in the future..... I just can't stand feeling like this..... there is just this huge knot in my stomach and pressure on my chest..... I can't stand this feeling inside...... I want it to end NOW
     
  5. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    If you think killing yourself will let you be around your son, I've got some bad news for you...
     
  6. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Please please dont hurt yourself.Take some time to breath and calm down hun.

    Have you thought about maybe going to see a doctor and talking things through?There are alot of options nowadays to help people with anxiety.

    Do you have anybody who you can phone or sit down and chat to?What about your newly made friend?Perhaps ring a crisis line?Anything to get you over the worst times.

    As has already been pointed out she hasnt gone yet,and while she is still there please try and think positive that there is still hope that you can talk and make it work.

    You are right though,it does take two and if you have realised where you have been letting the relationship down then I think she at least owes you for her to do the same.And it doesnt sound to me as if you have let your son down,im sure you love him very much and im sure he loves you too.

    Please seek some help,even if its just talking to the people on here,you are far from alone in your feelings.If I can be of any help at all then just message.
    :hug:
     
  7. TRoe13

    TRoe13 Member

    You can believe what you want, I obviously can't GUARANTEE it..... but from my experience with the psychic medium I feel that it is very possible, Also, my soon to be ex girlfriend went to this same psychic medium(she actually got me to go) and one of the guys she cheated on me with actually killed himself when she told him she had to break it off to stay with me.... and HE came through for her and told her he was fine in heaven and came around her all the time.

    Maybe you don't believe that kinda stuff.... but there is NO WAY this lady could have gotten the NAME of this guy, she said it was a recent death, self inflicted, ect ect. I'm sorry but I just don't see how she could have known that. So YES, I do believe I can be around anyone I want when I am dead.

    Onto other matters:

    I really have no one I can talk to.... that's why I found this place.... I wanted to try just talking and getting everything off my chest...... to complete strangers who will never REALLY know me and are probably feeling the same way so they won't judge me. I have read the stories here about peoples families and friends turning the cold shoulder on them because there depressed and suicidal.... I definitely don't want to ruin what little bit I have so that's out of the question. In my research I have only really found one way to finish this life easily but at the same time, it's not very easy to obtain and I don't think I can find the resources for it.... as I said, I don't want to feel pain or risk it not working and coming out a vegetable or with serious permanent injury. Also, I will not do anything while her and my son are still here.... I really am not sure what my goal was coming to these forums.... I just felt like I needed to talk and had no one to do so with in person. I dunno........
     
  8. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    It makes me feel awful that you're thinking of ending your life because of nonsense like psychic ability... I always thought that kind of trickery was damaging but I never imagined it could affect someone so badly... Please do yourself a favor and spend a few hours on youtube looking at videos debunking this sort of thing, look for James Randi videos in particular. I hope you'll have a change of heart.

    I know it's comforting to think loved ones can still be around each other after death, that's why people want to believe in things like heaven and spirits so much... In reality all that will hapen is your kid will lose a father.
     
  9. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    And thats exactly what this site is for so you havent done anything wrong talking on here.

    As for the whole"believing you can come back for your son",im the kind of person who will refrain from commenting on something I cant agree with.This does not mean I doubt what you are saying or think you are stupid as everybody has their own beliefs.

    However like we keep saying,you really dont know 100% for sure she is really going to leave you.This is coming from somebody whose partner has actually already gone.You in my eyes still have a chance.Please dont give up hope on the relationship until you know for sure.

    I am convinced that there will be people in your life,even if you feel you cant talk to them that will be devastated if you did this to yourself.Would you want the ones around you to suffer?Even if you could come back from the dead to hang around your son,I doubt very much that he would know so what would be the point in making your son fatherless??Please keep talking on here,if not only until you can have a proper talk with the missus and see where the land lies......
     
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