So here I am.. new to the site.. here's my story

[Scottishlad32]

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. Don't know what to expect from the site,here goes...

Been fighting a drug problem for over a decade now and losing badly. Been at the point of self harming and wanting to die due the effect it has on my life. Had even written a note for my family for afterwards.

I have a daughter who now wants nothing to do with me as my problem has impacted on our relationship and that is breaking my heart as I miss her so much. After having a great relationship with her I have seen her for about 6 hours this year.

Just feel like a total burden on everyone I know and feel everyone would be better off if I wasn't around anymore.

Just don't see any improvement on my horizon and struggling to cope with life now.

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this

I have a daughter who now wants nothing to do with me as my problem has impacted on our relationship

Do you think that if you were able to be drug-free that she would be willing to reconnect?

Been fighting a drug problem for over a decade now and losing badly

There are a few things that I could mention that might help you recover, if you are interested

Just feel like a total burden on everyone I know and feel everyone would be better off if I wasn't around anymore

You may want to read justrob's thread about being a suicidal parent.
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/you-are-not-alone.134405/

At the bottom of his post, in his signature is a link (also linked here below) titled
"Your Kids Will Not Be OK When You Are Gone (blog post from the daughter of a man who killed himself)."

Just because your relationship is broken doesn't mean that your death would not have a serious negative effect on your daughter.

Recovering and reestablishing a relationship with her sounds like the best thing you can do for both her and yourself. Easier said than done, I know. It's still the only really good outcome.

 

[Scottishlad32]

Thanks for the message,

My daughter doesn't know about my drug problem,she's too young, she has just see a change in me, and there were a few times last year I let her down and it hurt her. Now she won't come near.

Would love the advice on recovery, I feel I have tried a number of things but my lack of will power and the urge to get on it feels too strong when the opportunity presents itself.

 

[Walker]

Hi there, sorry to hear what all you're going through. There's hope though, lots of people around here are in recovery or the process thereof (isn't it all a process, I guess?). Relations with your daughter can really contribute to how bad youre feeling. Is her mother controlling how much time you see her or is that coming from her directly?

 

[Scottishlad32]

I know when I analyse all the problems I've had in life it generally always comes back to my drug problem. I've wanted to stop for years but just don't know how to overcome the urge.

Her mother tells me it's all my daughter's own decision because I hurt her in the past and she doesn't want to be hurt again. I understand that but she's 11 and doesn't see the bigger picture that it's a good thing that her dad is part of her life, I believe her mother is actually enjoying how mymy daught sees me just now as it's always been a competition for her mum to appear the best in her daughters eyes. Even if that's to the detriment of others.

I believe my daughter is being subtlety manipulated by her mother's side. I've always said it's not a competition, we all want for the best for my daughter, the mother agrees but only as long as she comes out best, which I think is just stupid.

It absolutely kills me the way things are with her just now, until last summer we had the best relationship and love every minute with her, then I went off the rails for a bit and totally ruined it.

 

[may71]

I've wanted to stop for years but just don't know how to overcome the urge

Acupuncture is one thing to try to help overcome addiction. Acmac.net has a listing of community acupuncture clinics in the UK. I think they usually charge 15 or 20 pounds a treatment.

There may be an acupuncture teaching clinic near you, which might be even cheaper. I'm not sure if there is anything NHS sponsored related to acupuncture that you could try.

Have you tried accessing an NHS resources related to overcoming addiction?

 

[Charlene]

Hello Scottishlad32, thank you for openng up on here. I wonder, if you have someone to work on a change with you, a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist.
YOur daughter would suffer when you would disappear. I grew up without a father and when he died I felt like there was an emptiness filling me up inside. I never knew where he was and I was very angry about him abusing and getting addicted to alcohol. Well, he died and underneath my emptiness I found a deep grief about having lost the chance to see him again. I have lost the chance to have a father and I felt utterly alone.
I think it is important to at least try to come off from the drugs and see what you compensate with drugs. It might be painful, but it is painful now too, isnt it? I wish I could send you some hope to go through all this. Thank you for sharing.

 

[MMB]

As much as we’d like to believe we can overcome addiction on our own, we can’t. <mod edit - preaching>
Please seek care for yourself, then you can work on your relationship with your daughter.

 

[Scottishlad32]

Thanks for the messages

I know I can't do this on my own, but due to things that have happened in the past, I don't feel I can speak to family about it.

Last night was a tough one after an all day cocaine binge I found myself actively looking for ways to end it.

And not for the first time due to the depression of the comedown I was self harming.

Ive never said that out loud before.

No-one I know would ever suspect that of me.

 

[may71]

No-one I know would ever suspect that of me

Why not?

 

[Scottishlad32]

I just don't think people know the pain I'm struggling with. Drug problem, which is hidden from most as itold them to i got clean years ago.the breakdown in my relationship with my daughter, which is a torture I a can't explajn and and just not wanting to be here anymore.i can put on a good front to hide my problems.been doing it long enough

 

[may71]

.i can put on a good front to hide my problems.been doing it long enough

I notice that a lot of people say they do that here. It seems like it's the sort of thing that just makes things worse.

I'm not sure if folks in the SH and substance abuse forum would have some particular insights, but maybe
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/self-harm-substance-abuse.44/

 

[Scottishlad32]

I don't know why I self harmed. Done it a couple a times over the years. Frustration with my predicament I think