So here I am...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by FrainBart, Jul 27, 2013.

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  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Things have not been going well at all recently. I took a break in hopes of finding peaceful tides, to which I was met with severe upheaval, disruption and negativity. I am trapped more so than ever before. I am lost and unsure on how to deal with the events of the past month.

    I have struggled greatly. I was given an appointment with my health visitor just for an update meeting. The day of the meetings things were bad and well I cancelled I just asked if we could reschedule ( I was in tears and just wanted a peaceful time) She reluctantly agreed, so my daughter and I remained in our pjs relaxing for the day. At 2 the buzzer for my flat goes off, which puts me in a blind panic anxiety kicks in and I am terrified, turns out to be the health visitor, I let her into the block but refuse to let her in the flat, trembling and shaking I eventually get her to leave. 5pm rolls on and I get another buzzer this time "Urgent Care" are here to see me set off in yet another panic completely terrified,I let them in the block but refuse to let them in my flat, I am not overly comfortable with people I am not familiar with being in my home when it is just me and my daughter. Eventually they ask to see my daughter who peeks her head out the door. Satisfied that all is fine they leave.

    Would think bad day couldnt get any worse.... 11pm the buzzer goes off yet again. And this time who should be at the door but 2 police officers to interogate me due to report from urgent care of me abusing my daughter. It has been 3 weeks since this happened... and I have only just this week worked myself up to even give my daughter a hug. I am struggling with the way they treated me. Of how I was accused of showing aggression to a health visitor. How I was mildly accused of abusing my daughter.

    My daughter is my world and they ripped away any positivity I feel. How can I be a good mother? How is it possible when I am accused of such things. It has well and truly broken me. Tuesday coming I have an appointment with Urgent Care for my discharge. Reason being I refuse to cooperate. I find I am angered by their presence when ever they appear at my door. the past 3 weeks I have had many intrusions and just when I pick myself up they throw me back down.

    My housing issue is of even greater screwedupness. As I am housed I am not homeless. Not homeless I do not need housing help. However I write my notice to the landlord of revoking the tenancy agreement we hold, then I make myself intentionally homeless. I have no where to go and will receive no housing help. I am caught so far between a rock and a hard place that I do not know where to turn, I exhausted shelter, they were the ones who told me I would get no housing help.

    I am open to suggestions before I scrape the barrel of leaving my daughter behind and living on the streets.
     
  2. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    V am really sorry that happened. They have to check on absolutely anything concerning kids and i know its shitty but the have to for safety's sake, that doesn't make you a bad mother and neither do they think so (I bloody hope not anyway!). Tell them you have anxiety issues and that is the reason for not letting them in on Tuesday if have not already also ask to explain to you reason why they have to, hopefully you will find its just a case of it has to be done if its reported. Really hope situation resolves itself fast. :hug:

    Have you read this site? https://www.gov.uk/emergency-housing-if-homeless I don't know all the details of situation but sounds like you qualify for a few of them. I don't understand how Shelter could turn you away. Have you tried Citizens Advice, they are normally very good in matters like this.
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry that things have been so bad for you.

    glad you are reaching out
     
  4. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Shelter is the go to guys for housing assisstance they know every option for housing. I had told them countless times about the anxiety and yet they kept appearing uninformed, and lied to me on several occasions, they treated me like I was stupid. They saw my daughter was fine yet they still made the report to the police. So they have done me no good.
     
  5. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    But what about the "you’re forced to live apart from your family or people you normally live with because there’s no suitable accommodation for you" that the government say entitles you to help, (infact actually says council MUST help you). Would that not be your situation you'd be placed in? Also you need to stick up for self. What is reason you are moving out in first place? Lets not forget you would not be in this mess if not for your ex who messed up your plans for housing in first place.

    Did you actually speak to shelter or just that online bullshit check thing?
     
  6. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I called them up and was on the phone for an hour talking with someone from shelter. My accomodation is deemed suitable. It is deemed suitable because it is a roof over my head I have no priority to be housed. While I have a contract with the landlord there is no requirement for the council to assist, i end my tenancy I am intentionaly homeless so no need for the council to help.
     
  7. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    But you will be away from daughter and they should take that into account and I'm sure that I read somewhere that just having a roof over your head, you can still be deemed homeless so that sounds completely wrong if they said that. It is when you have a fixed abode that you are not homeless and I would not call your situation exactly fixed. I really would not leave it at that. Thats why I say ring or see citizens advice, they could tell you better if theres ways round it which shelter will never do. Shelter will just try and fob you off like they did and hope you don't take it any further to minimise paper work for them.

    Is you're name on the contract?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2013
  8. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am sorry that you feel so down and so hopeless. I understand anxiety and not wanting people in your home, but unfortunately the more your refuse to let these people in, the greater their concern is going to be about your daughter. Cancelling appointments and refusing to cooperate is your right when your wellbeing is the cause for concern, but when the concern is centered around a toddler, things change.

    It is very sad that you feel unable to hug your daughter - it sounds very much like you need help and support; children need love and affection and three weeks without a hug is a long time. I understand why you feel overwhelmed and unsupported, but isolating yourself from help that is offered is not going to fix the situation. If you want people to stop intruding then they will need to be reassured that all is as it should be - refusing them access to enable them to verify that everything is as it should be unfortunately just gives the impression that their concern is warranted - I am sure you know this.

    Social services can - and usually want to - work with people to improve situations. if you get them on side and explain to them your difficulties and needs, they will help you. They know far more about what can and cannot be done to help with housing than even shelter, and can make recommendations about the safety of your current living situation. Shelter can only look at whether or not it is accommodation. Further, social services can arrange support and help - if you cannot even hug your daughter, help is desperately needed.

    You need time for yourself - to recharge and care for yourself. I understand that is difficult if family is not supportive and you are unable to get babysitters etc to allow you to take time out for yourself - and child care is expensive I know.

    Three and four year olds (and from September two year olds) are entitled to fifteen hours a week of free early years education - fifteen hours would give you time to yourself, to do things to unwind and to sort out all the things that are so difficult to sort out when you are trying to care for someone who needs your attention all the time.

    I really think it would be worth a) enrolling your daughter in early years education - not only is it great for social skills and her self esteem and a fantastic help when school starts, but it would give you time to figure things out and take time for yourself, and b) get in touch with social services yourself - not as part of a report or an investigation, but because your living situation is untenable and the lack of support you are getting is impacting on your welfare, and consequently your daughter's. It is their job to help - make the most of them.

    Try to stop locking people out and instead let them in to help you :)
     
  9. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Yes, My name is on the contract, therefor I have to revoke my right on the tenancy agreement, my landlord will not evict me until I hand that in, rendering me intentionally homeless.

    I have looked for hostels in my county/surrounding towns... there are none suitable ... (ones for men, single fathers... none what so ever for single women, single mothers, the only one feasible possible requires me to have a tie to the town of which I do not have.)

    To your points Freya, I Have tried reaching out for help I almost had help until all the potential help told me I did not need it, I cancelled and rescheduled the appointment with a health visitor, but due to how bad the day was going I just wanted peace and quiet and a nap when my daughter would finally give in for one. I refuse to let them in for the false report they made against me, they saw my daughter they said everything seemed fine, and said call us should you need us and left. I refuse to cooperate with them as all they are offering is to shove pills down my throat and considering my most recent attempts of medication have presented some less then savoury side effects rendering it impossible to go out or do anything... shoving them down my gob is going to do nothing but more harm to someone already struggling to go outside.

    I have social services involved currently as part of the course whn police are called in for a report of abuse. The man who was amazing (he called me prior to mak an appointment acknowledging that his unnanounced visit would cause nothing but distress and wished for it to go a bit smoother than recent happenings) he acknowledged the fact of how shaken I was when he came round on the day of the appointment, and he also acknowledged that medication did not seem the least bit beneficial to me at the current standings. He has promised me one thing... that he will try and find some support for me with housing and mental health, but I also am more satisfied with how he handled everything, and with his honesty that he can promise to try and get me some help but he cannot priomise me that I will get help.

    He was honest from step one putting simply that all though my daughter is happy and cheerful, I am not, and if I am not feeling 100% I cannot give 100% care and that is why he is involved. He sees no issue of harm to my daughter, and has (like all the other social services reps that have entered and investigated) said she is far advanced for her age.

    She already has a funded position with a local nursery but due to the health visitor and manager coming round (manager of the nursery) I do not feel comfortable being in close proximity to someone who caused a landslide of an unimaginely high amout of distress and upset. They have offered spots through out the summer holidays as a way of trying to get me to take her back there. But I cannot, I just cannot take her to that nursery when I have such a negative association to it now. I have refused to communicate with the health visitor who came round, and have passed any communication through my ex.

    Although she has appologised, I have refused it. She knew from previous experiences how I am with unnanounced visitors... she knew about my anxiety and still failed to respect a simple request of holding off an appointment for 3 days. My daughter is nearly 3, a year and a half older than the requirement for a health visitor. Their appointments are no longer mandatory and therefor if I wished to cancel and appointment for a reason my wish should have been acknowledged and listened to. And not have been treated like a criminal for suffering an anxiety attack
     
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