So here I am

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Its me, okay? This is me.

    Messed up, just like my ex said I was. So they were right all along, it feels like.

    I am tired, I feel quite ill, I want someone to give a rats. But when people do, I back off because it scares me - its not something I am used to. Additionally there are times when I let myself believe that people are there for me, but when this proves not to be the case (over and over) I get angry with myself for trying to trust.

    I am scared with things going on here. I do not have sufficient compassion for this role I've been given. I am mean, selfish, inpatient and attention seeking.

    I am withdrawn and reserved. IRL I come across as this - in-control, cold bitch - but its not really me. I'm scared of a lot of things, noises, people and situations and so I hide and be this other person people believe me to be.

    Somedays negative thoughts come and go again. Some days they come and hit me out of left field, its like a devil on my shoulder egging me on. These impulsive thoughts bother me, I am aware they are not right.

    As for self injury, why am I going there? Why do I feel the need to do these things? What is so twisted inside of me that I feel the urge, almost the calling to do this?

    I could lay blame at multiple things, take your pick. Ultimately, its just me being me. Its my choice whether to SI, my thoughts are controlled by me, my actions, my feelings (or lack thereof) etc. etc. It is me.

    So why should I bother being here on SF or being here as in here? If I cannot change, if I am always going to be me - this person - can't I just accept that and let myself rot alone? Why am I upset when it is only ME that is in control of myself? Its no one else's job, just my own, to get my act together.

    And if I don't or won't - then isn't it just time to shut up and be done?
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not 'messed up', you are 'stressed out', there is a big difference.
    Those words which you use to describe yourself, it seems to me that they all refer to you finding it hard to be in the situation you are in. But this is natural, it's an awful situation. Wanting out is a normal reaction.

    You wear a mask, many do. I think most do. Wish I did.

    You are you, and you are a very good person, when so many would have left, you stayed. You always seem to do the right thing.
    You are you, I know people who are very grateful for that. Please do not change who you are, accept it, but as for rotting alone, no no no!
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Well said windlespoons..
    sometimes we aren't in full control of our lives Mo.
    other factors take precedence and it takes time to change our thoughts
    keep going Mo. you're worth it
  4. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((((((Mo))))))... You're not messed up, Sweetie. You're a survivor, and you make such a beautiful difference in the world, whether you can recognize it or not. None of us can ever know what is truly in anyone elses heart, but based on the many times you've reached out to me at my lowest points, I believe that you are a much more compassionate person than you give yourself credit for. I wish that you could see yourself as the beautiful person that we all see. You've been hurt, and that hurt naturally causes you to mistrust. I understand and I genuinely relate. Because we have such a hard time seeing the good in ourselves, we can't understand why anyone would legitimately want to reach out to us. I won't presume to speak for you, Mo, but I live in fear that today will be the day that those I care about will discover the awful person I am. That fear drives me to "act" like a good person. But every once in a while, the clouds part and I can see that the good things that I think I do to mask my "awfulness" really ARE who I am. And the "monster" I believe myself to be is pure fiction; a phantom created by those who hurt and exploited me as justification for their actions. I believe with every fiber of my being that your "monster" is just like mine, because I've been lucky enough to experience the genuine goodness in you. Please know that I'm here for you and I believe in you, Mo. Sending hugs and friendship...T :console:
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