Its me, okay? This is me. Messed up, just like my ex said I was. So they were right all along, it feels like. I am tired, I feel quite ill, I want someone to give a rats. But when people do, I back off because it scares me - its not something I am used to. Additionally there are times when I let myself believe that people are there for me, but when this proves not to be the case (over and over) I get angry with myself for trying to trust. I am scared with things going on here. I do not have sufficient compassion for this role I've been given. I am mean, selfish, inpatient and attention seeking. I am withdrawn and reserved. IRL I come across as this - in-control, cold bitch - but its not really me. I'm scared of a lot of things, noises, people and situations and so I hide and be this other person people believe me to be. Somedays negative thoughts come and go again. Some days they come and hit me out of left field, its like a devil on my shoulder egging me on. These impulsive thoughts bother me, I am aware they are not right. As for self injury, why am I going there? Why do I feel the need to do these things? What is so twisted inside of me that I feel the urge, almost the calling to do this? I could lay blame at multiple things, take your pick. Ultimately, its just me being me. Its my choice whether to SI, my thoughts are controlled by me, my actions, my feelings (or lack thereof) etc. etc. It is me. So why should I bother being here on SF or being here as in here? If I cannot change, if I am always going to be me - this person - can't I just accept that and let myself rot alone? Why am I upset when it is only ME that is in control of myself? Its no one else's job, just my own, to get my act together. And if I don't or won't - then isn't it just time to shut up and be done?