So here is what's going on and its sounds like a poor me story even to me.......

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tacoper8er, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. tacoper8er

    tacoper8er Member

    I am giving this forum a shot because a friend suggested it...I'm not skeptical...just not sure its for me. I know I am depressed...seriously depressed....and I do have suicidal thoughts. But when I think about why....or I write it down or try to tell it....the problems I have just don't seem to be of a magnitude and....well....I fee like I am whining.

    so here it goes and you tell me.....

    I am a combat veteran.....I was involved in the shooting....but being there has never bothered me as much as coming back....everything is different....I am different. That was years ago though.

    Since then I got married.....have two beautiful kids. Which I am now lucky to see every other weekend. MY wife left me just over 14 months ago in January. Just out of the blue said she wanted out of the marriage because she wasn't happy....no other explanation. This is after a four year battle she had with cancer. I was right there the whole time. Appointments, surgery, therapy.....we even went to counseling. I know I could never understand fully what she was going through but I did whatever I had to to be supportive and be present.

    In February of 2013 she was declared cancer free. In July of 2013 I got very sick, I developed a heart condition called Bigeminy. I wound up in the hospital for a week the first time it was discovered. Transported by ambulance from work. She came to see me once the whole time I was in there, and didn't even bring the kids. It was devastating. Its under control now with medication but stll takes it out of me from time to time.

    Then in January of 2014 I went out of town for work for two weeks. working 16 hour days and no chance of getting home for a day or two in the middle. When the job finally ended I drove all night and the next day to get home to see the kids and my wife. I missed them so badly. Within minutes of me walking in the door my wife said that we needed to go for a drive so she could talk to me. Wouldn't even give me time to hug the kids and sit with them for a few minutes. So Fine...we went. That's when she hit me with that she wanted out of the marriage.

    Since, then I have been struggling for balance. Trying to get time with my kids and keep my job, which lately I feel is in jeopardy too.

    Nothing in my story is particularly bad.....or something thousands of other people haven't successfully gotten through before me. But for some reason.....I can't get over the hump. I am constantly miserable, depressed. I just want to stay in my bedroom and shut the world out.

    THIS ISN'T ME!!!!!!!!! I have always been a positive person. Enjoyed getting out and being with people and doing things. Now....a good day is when I am motivated to shower and eat before I go to work....and my best days are when I can get the kids.....but even then I still feel sad all the time.

    I don't know what to do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2015
  2. tacoper8er

    tacoper8er Member

    Forget it
     
  3. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Grief hits us hard and that is what you are going through. You have some awful things going on. This is a time for professional help. Is there someone you can talk to?
    Keep talking and posting. {{HUGS}}
     
  4. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's a lot. All this would hurt anyone. Hope there are veteran services you can tap into for support. Sorry you are going through this stuff.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    To be honest I think why this has hit you so hard is because it is things you have no control over and no fault in. You cannot control the thoughts / actions/ feelings of another person. Your detailed explanation makes it clear you are worried about it sounding like you are to blame for the situation, and I suspect that is because you are trying to figure out what you should have done differently. That is a fruitless search because it was not you that did something wrong to make your life into a situation that sucks so bad for you.

    That lack of control of the situation , plus the fact you cannot even console yourself that you could/should have done something differently is really really hard to make sense of. Spending hours pondering how you could have changed the outcome is a self inflicted torture. Consider getting a counselor to help you see that it was not you, you did not cause it so there is no reason to punish yourself over it. Allow yourself to be justifiably angry so that you can move on and then you will have control of your actions and put yourself first and find a way to enjoy the relationship with your children that you can which while not a lot of time due to situation is some- and perhaps can be increased in the future, and aside from the time with them find things you enjoy with your time guilt free knowing that you did not cause the situation to change and proud that you are a better person.

    Your wife's fight with cancer caused her to have a complete retake on life- it is not necessarily her "fault" either (and not uncommon), just the way life happens and it sucks sometimes, but it is absolutely not your fault so please look for things that you can enjoy and find happiness in. Not saying go get into a relationship- simply anything you can enjoy to find your way back to controlling tour own thoughts and feelings, and getting professional help may make that easier.
     
  6. tacoper8er

    tacoper8er Member

    I don't have anyone here. Moved to this state when we got married because this is where my ex is from. Never really was fully accepted by her family or friends, so as soon as she made the break....that all disappeared. Closest family is on the west coast.

    I would like to make friends here, just who would want to be around someone that is gloomy all the time? I don't have a counselor lined up but am thinking about it. Forget the VA, it takes forever to get an appointment and then when you get there, they spend ten minutes with you as a PTSD check up. Write a new scrip and off you go. I asked for help the last time I was there....that was two months ago, still waiting on an answer. So I guess I should try a private office.

    Yeah.....I feel completely ungrounded and out of control....of anything. I do think about it, all the time, what I could have done differently. Not so much anymore because I miss her, but because of what all this is doing to my kids. They are so tore up over all of it. It kills me to hear it in their voices every night I call them to tell them I love them and good night. Not knowing why all of this is really happening is horrible. But you're right, I'll probably never know and should find a way to move on from it. I have been trying. I just don't think I know how....or what I have done just doesn't work.

    Thank you all.....I appreciate your comments.
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    May want to look at another avenue on the VA front- while I agree the VA services (here at least) are absolutely horrible, there is a new law just went in effect a couple weeks ago where you can apply to have civilian care paid by VA do to there lack of facilities or availability-. If you are unfamiliar with it or cant find the information by calling your VA private message me and i will dig out the phone number and/or web site with info. I have used it once and it was not too difficult a process to get real care rather than sit in VA for 4 hours for a 10 minute appt.