So here's whats made me tick--

I really don't want to die. I just want release from unbearable/unfathomable physical-emotional-and mental Pain. One day of not having to deal with it, to feel normal again for just one moment would be heaven. What a great thought. But this will never happen.

when i was 13, i let myself fall in with the wrong croud. struggling with same gender feelings at puberty, i let myself try to escape by using and abusing everything and anything from inhalants to alcohol. I look back at those days and my problems were a walk in the park. piece o cake. i cant believe i took everything i was and how i felt make me do the things I did. Ive always run as a high emotional person with a feeling like-I dont need help- please just let me figure this out myself. But I was sooo wrong

I was able to kick the drugs at 18 life was still good. I got kicked out of my house by my father 2 times. Once at 17 where I was sexually abused 2 times. And another time because we didnt see eye to eye about religion.

Anyway I was a free spirit living free and having fun. Got a job, off the streets a good circle of friends. At 19 what i can only describe as a tsunami hit me hard and knocked me down. It came in the form of an altoid... with some kind of research chemical sold as LSD. I let some stupid 'friend' who knew i was sober talk me into sucking down some. My Friends laced it with 10 hits.

I am a shell of my former self. My life slipped into Severe and Extreme mental illness/ spiraling depression /permanent hallucinations, and horrid despair.

MY pain is very real. my coping mechanisms are few. when this first happened i got a pro active attitude about everything. I picked up excercize, ate well, and did everything to make the illness go away. I thought I could beat it. I was soooo wrong

Then I was hit by a car on my bike, causing a spinal injury--making my problems worse. I have chronic pain, emotional pain, mental pain. Its severe and fucked. i am now 26 i have servived almost 8 years of this, but dealing with the permanent mental illness has really started to drag me to the depths of deep depression, unfathomable despair, and permanent hallucinations. I have such bad isolation problems that when the phone rings it sends me into an insane panic. someone knocks on the door and i dive under my bed. I dont know why i act this way.

I would like to think of myself as a very kind, empathetic person who was kicked around like a dog and railroaded in life and ended up causing some problems and pain for myself. Im a nice loving genuine caring sympathetic kid, but im soooooooo burdened down and worn out. Dear God, please help me, and if i do take my life, please look for my family. Its the one and only thing i live for. If they were gone i would top myself without a moments notice. And another thing is I dont know what is behind Deaths Door. I was taught suicide is a sin. But also Mental illness is not a choice. Ive thought up so many ways of trying to die its not funny

<mod edit: method>To look like foul play was involved.--to make it easier for the loved ones? god bless the person who responds to me, cause this is long. I really would apprieciate someone reading this and giving me some advice or words of comfort. thank you.:torn:

 

Re: So hears whats made me tick--

Hi dear. Please, whatever you do, don`t give up.
The thought that suicide is a sin is the only thing that kept me alive through rough moments..
I`m not very good at giving advice but you can PM me anytime if you want to. Take care :hug:

 

Re: So hears whats made me tick--

Hi dannyboy im sorry life has been so hard hun but you fought back each time you did on your own even NOW is the time hun to say the hell with it and reach out for the support the help you need and DESERVE OK You call your doctor you go into hospital and get on meds to stop the dam hallucinations to stop the anxiety to get you feeling strong again ok

NO one can fight the illness alone it is way to hard hun and i say that because i know LIke you i chose to stay away from everyone until i was older and could not fight anymore and i was on my way out and i did not want to harm my family like you. So i just did it hun i called someone and i got the support i need ok therapy to help my mind heal my soul heal

You hun deserve that help ok you open those doors that will bring you healing ok you do that for YOU and your family hugs

 

Re: So hears whats made me tick--

I dont wanna get too much into what is a sin and whats not--but I do believe there is a caring nurturing creator who does look after things. Or so I would hope. And I would like to believe hes so caring and so loving that If i take my life, hes not going to throw suicide in my face

its like a murder charge--how was the person thinking at the time of the crime. Was he irrational, not in control of his thoughts and let this get the best of him. Did someone accidentally hit someone with a car. Was this person really pushed to the point of severe desperation and was so cornered it seemed like there was no choice at the time. I would like to think god is sooo loving that he would take this person, give them extra care and love, the love they so desperatley needed on earth--to ease the pain they had been dealing with.

Thats just me but i really do apprieciate the concern and everything. Really love your poem btw.. its wonderful.

 

Danny...have you ever considered that you are brave and amazing? With all you have been through, it is no wonder how you feel...firstly, have you asked your doctor to investigate if any medical issue is contributing to your mood? Then, if not, please find a therapist who can guide you...no one can solve our problems alone, and I think we were not meant to...you are worth the time and effort to advocate for yourself and get the care you need...with understanding

 

your right i need to reach out. Thank you for saying I am amazing. I just wish i felt that way.
I need therapy or someone to talk to. I did take a step reaching out on this board. It feels so good to vent. Its like im feeling better but still hurting.
I really need serious help or I know that im going to hurt myself through death.

 

Hello DannyBoy86,
I'm glad you found this place. You did the right thing by reaching out on here.
You're no longer alone. I know this is all easy said than done, but things will get better.
Don't stop giving up. If you ever need someone to talk too or need a friend. I'm here for you.
Take Care! :fox:

 

Hi Danny. It is so hard to go through this stuff alone. Support groups can be good, and therapy is like a really good idea. One thing I'm wondering is that maybe your symptoms related to the drug you took could be HPPD, short for 'Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder'? It's when the effects of a drug continue long after the drug has worn off. It's something that is rare enough and when it happens is caused by psychedelics, usually LSD, but I know it's also connected with research chemicals. If you haven't done so already it might be worth it to research HPPD and decide for yourself. Here is a forum I found where people who have HPPD can share information and talk: http://hppdonline.com/ It might be something else, but I hope you can get some good support and help so you don't have to go through this alone.

 

Thank you thank you thankyou. Yes i suffer with HPPD!!!!!! Wow what a small world. How amazing to meet another person who understand the devistating affliction that is HPPD disorder. I can not tell you how great i feel that you answered my response. What a pleasant suprise.