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So, how do you start a thread on something like this forum is for......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by castout50, May 29, 2014.

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  1. castout50

    castout50 New Member

    So new here but been lurking, reading , thinking.........

    I dont really want to go on and on about my problems, issues etc. I just wanted to talk to people who understand me a bit. Feeling so isolated and alone.

    Contemplating what everyone here is. Wax and wane on it. Up and down, up and down. No real conclusion. I am sitting on the fence. I dont know about the rest of you but it really takes me a lot to get to that place where i could go thru with it.....been there so many times and somehow always hang on and see the sun rise tomorrow.

    But you know i am seriously wondering if its such a bad thing. I am trying to rationalize this out. On the one hand the pain will stop. On the other, you cant watch a beautiful sunrise or listen to cool music if you're dead. Maybe its best to just stay alone, accept it and live life for myself....enjoy the beauty of life and forget all the others. I dont know..........

    What i do know is being dead lasts a long long time. We are all going there eventfully ....like it or lump it why rush it? Again, on the fence.

    Well 1.59am, cant sleep. Listening to music on youtube. Its uplifting. Sitting reflecting on the world....... why people do the things they do.

    Seem to be drifting closer and closer. Thinking about it all the time now, no longer emotional about it. Planning my estate, thinking about packing all my stuff up to leave everything tidy and clean...... i'd hate anyone to have to deal with my grime. I sure dont want to leave anything embarrassing around to be found. Its become a fact to deal with now, no longer the hurting pain it was.

    Well i am just rambling now. Just felt the need to talk to someone, even though i dont know you.

    Good luck to you all
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are talking to us it helps to ramble on here i do it too h un There is no leaving everything tidy a nd clean not when it comes to suicide
    The aftermath for the ones left behind is very very dark and painful
  3. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    I feel the same. We're all going to die. If you're enjoying your time alive, then that's great. But if every day burns like hell inside, it's only a question of whether or not to live out the remaining time until you die naturally.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I have been where you are now many many times.... I have tried to go through with it (obviously unsuccessfully) 7 times... nothing I was doing or trying to do was helping me to change that... recently I have found myself being able to make some improvements because of a combination of things.. but mostly because i was willing to make some big changes both in my life and in my thinking ...

    the change i made in my thinking is similar to this statement you made:

    My main theme on thinking now is this: "it is what it is" ... BUT .. i only apply that to my circumstances/situations/people around me... NOT to my emotions.... there is true danger in doing so with your emotions because then you will become uncaring or totally numb and either end up suicidal or homocidal.... what i do rather is... i look at my problems and discern what changes, if any, i can make in either myself or my environment or habits to cause a more positive outcome to that problem... if i see possibilities, i then determine which, if any, of the possibilities i find as feasible and that i'm willing to spend the time and energy on... if i cannot find any, or if i do not see any possibilities.. i just take a deep breath and realize "it is what it is, i can do nothing about it, its not going to change... but.. i dont have to dwell or focus on it and my life will still continue" .. if i find something that i can do and am willing to do.. i will try to implement that change and continue to do so until such time i have no other possiblities i can think of... it doesn't mean that i refuse to look at my problems or that i am unfeeling or dont care when there is a problem i cannot change, but rather that i am realizing limitations i have and trying to work with what i have and am rather than beat myself up for what i do not have or am not. (by the way I am not insinuating that you should just accept being alone.. unless you decide that is what is best for you)

    I also have started using essential oils, exercise, vitamins, and relaxation techniques to help me when i am upset over something i cannot change.

    I am not implying or insinuating this is a cure all for all... just saying that this is what works for me. I believe all of us have to find our own solutions because all of us are unique both physically and emotionally as well as in life experiences which means that we may view something differently or react to something differently than another may. So while this works for me, it may not work for you... but I encourage you to try everything you can until you do find the thing/s that work for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2014
  5. castout50

    castout50 New Member

    Yeah, true enough.

    I guess the real issue is to find the inner strength to get through the day..... its not so much getting through any particular day that's a problem - sure this issue is on my mind a lot, but i don't walk around a total case who cant cope. Its dealing with the person i am - my problems are caused by me - no one else. From time to time the issue that really bothers me comes up and i emotionally collapse. I go down the rabbit hole - i am sure most of you drawn to this forum understand the feeling. Sometimes i come close...very very close - i've sat with my head cradled in my hands crying my eyes out about things, 9mm in hand ready to go. I did a practice run a few nights ago with a plastic bag...to be ready (wife took 9mm off me so trying to improvise now with what i have). I got through that night - the next day i was disgusted and repulsed by what i had done. Until the next time. And the next time always comes.

    The real issue is to deal with what is troubling me. If i could do that i wouldn't be here. I am what i am. I dont like what i am. I cant change what i am - it is what it is. So finding the courage to go on living is the challenge.

    Doing the right thing is not easy. Any fool can rush in and pull the trigger. That's too easy. Whats much more difficult is to stay and face it and deal with it, conquer it and tame it.

    Demuredawn, i agree with your logic to a large extent. Finding the right mix of how to deal with it all is, as i say, the challenge.

    Of course right now as i type this i feel strong and have my wits about me. Right now there is no way i could ever contemplate such a thing. Right now is not the danger. The problem time is when defense's fall and those nagging doubts come back and down the rabbit hole again..... and that's when the danger is high that it might happen.

    I've been through this so many times over the years that i am now preparing. Getting everything together. Writing a will. Contacting my children (all grown) and having the most meaningful conversation i can, trying to say goodbye without saying it or letting them know whats going on.

    The debate rages in my head - the logical side to all this, trying to reach a conclusion on which way to jump - there are pro's and con's to this. So in the mean time the best i can do is be ready. But the debate goes on.

    I am thinking of seeing a shrink. Possibly try some sort of medication, see if that can take the negative emotions away. Nothing to lose and everything to gain. However there is no silver bullet - the real answer lies within.......how to find it.

    I will go into one little detail. I am AvPD. I cant shake it, i cant change it, I've battled this my whole life. It hurts so much not to be part of things, to be left out, shunned, ostracized yet so badly wanting to be part of it, to be an outgoing person that others like. The more we AvPD's want this the more we push it away because of how we are. I've been successful in many areas of life, have been lucky to be born with talent in some areas. I recently told my wife my inner most secrets. She cant believe that i think of myself the way i do since i hide it so well. However, whenever possible i stay away from other people. I fear social settings..... i sweat and sometimes tremble with fear if i have to do the social thing. Its a vicious circle. Because i have this fear some pick up on it and now and then one of those who pick up on it will lash out and stick a knife in as deep as they can to bring about as much hurt as they can. Then the downward spiral starts. Then the negative feelings. The humiliation of not being able to be part of the gang, the group. Being pushed away because i don't fit in. The hurt is immense. Then hiding away from everyone, staying as far as I can from anyone except my wife. And now I've found out my wife hates me. She has tried to gently suggest i leave her and go live somewhere else. She has joined the world - the world that hates me. I wonder why i was even born.

    So with that back ground, trying to fight this, feeling weary, tired, had enough. Past wanting help or understanding but never losing the desire to connect with some one since its such a rare thing for me.

    No answers. the debate goes on and on.

    Thanks for listening. It does seem to help to type out what i am feeling. If nothing else, this post is worth it for that alone.

    Could meds be a help? Do they really work or do anything? never tried them, never seen a shrink. In all other ways i function as normal as anyone. But this one dark corner of my life is almost too hard to cope with.
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