I'm not even sure if I fit in here. Ive been reading peoples posts and such for awhile and just now decided to post and I figure I mine as well talk about why I'm here. Alot of you have no hope in sight, you do bad in school, your families hate you in your mind, you have no one to be with. I feel guilty for being here. Others of you would say I'm bad for being here. I do very well in school, my family does like me. Im the only one in my family to go to college, just started my freshman year. I got a academic scholarship, everything was paid for. I enjoy school, I have a few hobbies. Im a humungous dvd and wrestling fan. I also like games, So ya thats a bit about me. So why am I here... About 6 years ago I met a girl, Sara. She was the first girl I noticed as I started to notice girls. I am about to turn 18 in a few days. I dated her for 4 years, she was my whole life. We talked about marriage, when we wanted to do it, picked out kids names, shes the only women ive touched, been intimate with, loved, and been with. Then one day, she no longer wants to be with me. I didnt cheat on her, didnt hit her, didnt cuss her out, just one day she didnt feel the same way about me. Dumped me, and went out with another guy 4 days later. 4 years.....4 days and its gone. You can never understand how much it devistated me. I was in complete shock. This happened over spring break, I was at home just staring at my tv, unable to move. I cried at commercials, I cried at everything. 24/7. Seriously, I broke down after a shaving commercial. It hurt so much. We still talked and tried to be nice but I kept feeling like a bf not a friend, and eventually it hurt to a point in which I desired suicide. My ex found out, after awhile, after I said I was gonna kill myself, told her mom. And since then, Ive not been allowed to talk to her. It hurts so much to think about. Its been months now, and I have no friends. Maybe 1 or 2, no girl will ever be with me. I have no self esteem and always am depressed. There hasnt been one day thats gone by and I havent thought about suicide. I read online ways I can kill myself. I just cant take this. Its been since april, its september now. Im still not fine. I just cant feel better. All I want to do is just talk to her, but now I dont feel that way. I went through several feelings, now its more a feeling of hatred. I dont feel love, its finally gone. My love is gone. It feels terrible, months ago, I would kill myself if it saved her, I would do anything, Now, I feel like I would laugh if she was being tortured. Its horrible to feel that way. Its not a huge hatred, just a slight apathetic feeling, of why this had to happen. Ive always been a depressed person, but this just sent me over the edge. I went to a therapist, told Ive had low level depression and was triggered into high level depression after this happened. I never went back, got suscribed zoloft, it doesnt do anything. Anytime I talk to my mom about it, she feels like Im attacking her and she takes it personal, and I dont mean to. Everytikme I say im not happy she says why do you do this to me, why. And I just dont have any desire to be here. I went on a spending spree recently, like 1000 bucks. Do i have 1000 bucks, no, but oh well. Who cares. I just bought a bunch of stuff hoping it would make me happy. I bought a bunch of games, wrestling stuff, a wii, presents for my niece and nephew, but doesnt matter. The happiness faded mins later. I have no friends, I never go out. I just stay at home, I hate everyone around me. Everyone is so fake, I dont understand it. I have this constant feeling now, like none of this life is real. Almost like if youve ever seen the Matrix movie, Im just waiting to take a red pill, this world feels so unemotional, so fake, so nothing. I wish I could just feel anything. I overeat, Im big. I should just admit it, honestly im really not big but everyone here is a twig, everyone here is a twig or there 400 punds, and Im like in the middle, and its worse. Id rahter be 400 pounds, Im so awkward. Its terrible. Now I dont really have a focus, now Im just more or less ranting. I turn 18 in a few days, not that it makes any different. You cant do anything at 18 that you couldnt do before, 21 is the real age. And i dont mean drinking, I have no interest in that. But it would be fun to chekc out a strip club, I could atleast pretend Im with someone, I hate having my only previous sexual encounters being with Her. Everytime I think of sex, which im a guy, its apparenly often, ive only had sex with her so my mind automaticaly refers back to her, and i get depressed and it basically kills my sex drive. i guess ill type more later, its getting later and im in a dorm and I know all this typing probaly bugs my roomate. Thanks for reading, if ya did. PM me anytime, post here, or Im on facebook too, talk to you guys soon.